Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Chapter 12: A Bicycle Ride

“So.” Bran piqued, “Why have you been so desperate for sugar?”

I was currently standing in the kitchen surrounded by Bran, Balin, and Tim. Annie was talking to Opal outside in the mess hall and Wreck was still a bit of a wreck. She was already drunk and splayed out on a bench. Speaking of the mess hall, it was full of cheerful dwarves awaiting a Blessing cake.

Unfortunately, the cake was a lie.

I had commandeered the allotment of sugar for my own nefarious purposes. Sorry my kinsmen, but it’s booze before bros. I had been waiting almost 2 weeks for this moment. I know that isn’t a lot, but when you’re dying of thirst in a desert you take what you can get. Furthermore, just like the pilsner glass I was going to make this a resounding success.

“Well Bran, I’m about to ruin this keg of beer.”

“Wuzzat?” Bran placed his hand protectively on the small keg sitting on the counter beside me. This kitchen was actually pretty nice. It was well equipped with stainless steel appliances and similar edging on the walls. They had hot and cold water piped in, as well as a cold storage area. I have no clue how it worked in detail, but apparently stuff like that is created by titled ‘Enchanters’. They can use runes and magic stones from monsters to create long lasting effects. A rack of knives on the wall were incredibly sharp and nasty looking. Leave it to dwarves to have superior cutware.

“Yep, you see I’m going to use this sugar to make some bad beer.”

“Now why would ya do that?” Tim asked, curious. We had grown a bit closer after the minecart incident, and while we weren’t ‘friends’ I’d call us good office buddies.

“Aye, who in their mind would want bad beer?” Balin agreed.

“Well, when the beer is already terrible, making it bad is an improvement!”

“THA BEER AIN’T BAD!” The three of them cried in unison.

“Yer still off yer rocker, Pete!” Bran opined. Tim nodded in unison.

“Pete, don’t do this.” Balin moaned, pulling his beard with both hands. “I barely managed to keep ya alive, and now yer aimin’ to get us both killed!”

“Well technically he saved ‘yer life too.” Tim pointed out.

“Pete, fer your own sake, I recommend you not give everyone bad beer fer that Blessin’ party.” Bran said seriously. “My first week as chef I made a bad sandwich and I woke up strung halfway up to tha roof. Took me ages to get down.”

“I must. Fer Pete’s sake!” I retorted, grinning.

“What?” Balin raised a querulous eyebrow.

“It’s…be quiet, I’m brewin’ ere!” I turned to the pot of sugar in front of me. It was originally from a type of sugar cane in Green Tree dungeon. They took the cane and crushed it to remove the sap and concentrated it into a syrup. That syrup was dried out and processed to form sugar crystals. It’s exactly how cane sugar is made back home, and it tastes almost exactly like it too. It was perfect. I grabbed an apron from a hook and tied it around my back. It almost felt like home; I shook my head. This was home now.

“I’m going to make some simple syrup first.” I turned to Bran. “Can I have a pot, please?”

“I’m not givin you a pot till yer good and proper.” He said, handing me a beard and hair net. Right! I have a giant beard now! There had been a distinct lack of hair in my food up till this point, and I was reminded that dwarves took beard hygiene very seriously. I got everything on, and Bran gave me a once over before he nodded his approval. I filled a large pot with water and placed it on the stove. The stoves used simple charcoal, because that’s significantly cheaper than an enchanted stove and does the job just as well.

Making simple syrup is really easy. You just need to take a pot of water and add lots of sugar (technically it’s equal parts sugar and water). Stir it until the sugar dissolves completely and let it boil. The convection currents will take care of the majority of the work from then on. As the water boils down, the sugar and water concentrate into a thick sweet syrup. It can take a few tries to get it right; the sugar granulates at the last stage if you aren’t careful. I’d done this a lot when I was living alone so it was pretty easy for me.

Tim leaned over the pot. “Why syrup?”

“Well, sweeteners can be added to beer at any stage. Some prefer to do it right before fermentation in order to add a distinct flavour to the beer. You can add fruit sugars, maple syrup, caramel, any kind of sweet liquid really. Once you pour it into your wort it is called an adjunct, and they are one of the main ways to add flavour to beer.”

“I know those words.” Bran nodded.

“I’ve never heard any of that.” Said Balin.

“It’s not what tha Ancestors intended.” Tim made a gesture across his chest. Some kind of ward against evil?

“What’s a maple syrup?” Asked Bran. “Is it sweet?” His eyes sparkled, and they flicked briefly to Opal through the kitchen window.

“It comes from a Maple tree. None of those in Green Tree?”

“Nah,” said Tim. “I know all tha good wood in Green Tree. No Maple.”

“Ah well, it’s really good on pancakes.” I could really go for pancakes, or a good old fashioned pancake breakfast.

“What’s a pancake?” Bran pulled out a notepad. “And where are ya gettin’ all these recipes from?”

“Uh…. I don’t remember?” The three of them rolled their eyes.

“How do you know so much about the wood in Green Tree, Tim? Why are you even here, what did you do?” I changed the subject as I poured the sugar into the pot and stirred.

“I was caught embezzling.” Said Tim, and then refused to say more. Well, to each their own, and in a gold and law-centric society like the dwarves that was a fairly serious crime.

We sat in silence for a while, watching the water refuse to boil. We had to stop watching this pot. I decided to continue my craft brew lesson while we waited.

“Adding pure sugar to the wort is often done in the Belgian fashion, using what is referred to as candi sugar. Candi sugar is a type of beet sugar that’s been toasted and caramelized. It makes for a strong brown beer called a dubbel.”

“What’s a Belgia?” Balin frowned.

“Isn’t beer already brown?” Tim’s brows furrowed.

“Uh, a human city. It’s different, Tim.” I replied to both.

“You’ve been above ground?!” Bran asked in shock.

“Explains so much.” Tim grumbled.

“Aye, me parents warned humans would rot yer brain.” Agreed Balin. Hey! “Did ya learn all this stuff from tha humans? I didn’t know they drank tha brew o’ tha Dwarves.”

“Aye, they drink that swill they call spirits.” Bran said sagely. “And accursed water…” The three of them shivered then turned to look at me.

“Uh, I don’t remember?” The three of them rolled their eyes again.

By this time the pot had a merry boil going, and I gave it a lazy little stir.

“You can also add sugar at the bottling stage as a priming sugar or during secondary fermentation.”

“Fraid’ none of us are brewers Pete, you’ve lost us.” The three nodded. I sighed.

“Well, I’m doing none of that, because I’m not brewing beer. I’m ruining it.” The water was getting thick, it would soon be time to turn off the heat. “Do you have any spices or fruits I could use Bran?”

“Aye, I have some. Mostly for Opal though.” He opened the cooler and I leaned in behind him. “I got apples, some strawberries, basil, thyme –“

“Hold tha phone!” I interrupted. I reached over his shoulder and grabbed a few round yellow fruits before he could stop me. “You have lemons?!”

“Tha phone?” Muttered Tim. I ignored him.

“These change everything!” I was originally going to add the simple syrup into the beer. The sweetness would help with the awful flavour and the thickness of the syrup would help a bit with the consistency. It would turn the beer into an awful root-beerish concoction, but it would be a bit tastier. Like I said, terrible to bad. If I had lemons though… I could do something far better! A Radler! A Bicycle! I turned to my pot and grabbed a knife. I hummed a song as I cut into the first lemon.

"Lets go ride a bike..."

Thanks for the save, Freddie Mercury! Or was that Merry Poppins?

Bran blocked my way as I went to cut more lemons. “I can’t let ya do that Pete, that’s fer Opal’s Lemon Meringue.”

“Come on Bran, it’s all in the name of good beer! Besides, Opal is going to love it, and I’ll let you share in the credit with her.” Bran stroked his beard thoughtfully.

“Opal will love it ya say? Alright, you get one shot but yer payin fer the lemons if it doesn’t work out. They grow well in Green Tree but they’re expensive.”

“You won’t regret it!” I grabbed another pot and squeezed the first lemon into it. “I already am…” He muttered.

“So, what is it?” Balin asked.

“I’m making a Radler, er a Bicycle. Do you know what a bicycle is?” The three of them looked at me strangely.

“Everyone knows what a bicycle is Pete.” Balin scoffed.

“Aye, gnomish contraption made with good dwarven aluminium.” Bran nodded.

“I love a good mountain bike me-self.” said Tim. We all turned to stare at him and he reddened.

I turned back to my preparations. “Well anyway, the story goes that a group of humans was out biking when they came to a small bar. They went in for a beer but there wasn’t enough for them all. The barkeeper asked if they were thirsty for some lemonade instead, and they said why not both! The bartender mixed the beer and the lemonade together and a new kind of beer was born! A bicycle, or Radler in the human tongue, is especially good on a hot day or after a long day’s work. It’s usually made with lemonade but any citrus fruit will do.”

“Lemonade?” Asked Balin, peering into the lemon juice filled pot as I added some of the syrup and a bunch of water

“A gnomish drink.” Said Bran knowingly.

I stirred the pot and tasted it as I sighed in pleasure. Tasty, tasty, lemonade. I grabbed the keg and three dwarven hands stopped me.

“Are ya sure Pete?” asked Balin.

“Absolutely.” I grabbed a tankard and poured it roughly three-quarters full of beer and then added the lemonade. Most of the carbonation was washed out, but there was barely any bubbly anyway. I took a deep drink and sighed. Gods bless Queen. Balin and Tim looked at me suspiciously as Bran poured himself one. He took a deep drink and paused as he smacked his lips.

“Its… Good!!” He said, looking surprised. Balin poured himself a tankard and tried it as well, his handlebar moustache twitched as he drank. The two of them looked at me and then back at the beer.

Bran sighed. “There’s going to be another fight…” but his eyes steeled as he glanced Opal’s way. “Well, let’s do this!”

We brought the beer up to the distribution table and Bran cleared his throat. “All right everyone! Pete’s got a treat for you all tonight! Line up and grab yer tankards!” There was some confused mumbling as all the dwarves queued up and we started pouring Radlers.

After 3 minutes a tankard was thrown across the room. After 5 minutes, the first dwarf was tossed out a window. Then the true pandemonium began.

  “Ya can’t put lemons in tha beer!”

“It’s delicious!”

“Spits in tha face o’ the ancestors”

“That glass too, are ya’ll touched by Yearn?”

      “TIM! Shut yer gab!”

“Make me!”

---

I nodded at the brawl and sipped from my tankard. It still wasn’t good, but it would do; a successful evening all around. A bright blue box grabbed my attention with a *bing*.

You have gained the love and hatred of a great number of people all at once! Yearn wishes to bless you so that you might survive long enough to continue your great work! If you accept you will receive [Stealth] and [Sense Emotions]. Do you accept?

Yes/No

I hummed some ‘Sugar,Sugar’ as I mentally clicked on ‘No’. Doc Opal had told me I could receive "a total of two blessings", and I wanted a certain precious someone. So come on Archie, I’m waiting for you, give me some of that magic!

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