Caelus Online

11. Self Reflection

As the hours passed, Astaria’s dreams were plagued by the nightmares she thought she had managed to forget. Scenes of rape, death, and destruction at the hands of goblins like those she had been killing hours before. Seeing familiar faces of the victims who had been visitors of her dreams on countless occasions in the past years, she tossed and turned in her sleep.

After her deep and dark slumber eased, she slowly regained her consciousness as she became aware of her surroundings.

The muffled background noise of the medieval city slowly registered in her ears as the hazy fog that clouded her mind lifted. As her eyes fluttered open, she observed the room she could vaguely remember entering last night. Noticing the weight of her breasts on her chest, her mind refocused and the events of yesterday came flooding back into her head.

Now waking up with a clear head, she could see how much of a wreck she had been yesterday, becoming like some angsty teen who would lash out at others because of their inadequacy.

Laying in bed, she started to think over the issues plaguing her mind that she had pushed away and neglected until now. She could not go on without regaining some calm in her mind, and avoiding the issue by focusing on other things was only letting her emotions and fears fester and grow.

The past few weeks had all been a crazy blur to her and she had no time to actually sit down and sort through her own thoughts. It caused everything to bottle up and explode at a bad time when she was under the most pressure to make as much progress as possible.

‘Everything started going downhill after I realised I had returned to the past. I had spent morning till night dealing with taking over the Branford Group while spending every other spare moment and effort to try and prepare for the future chaos brought by Caelus.’

Staring to logically think things through, she thought to the next issue.

‘Following that, after finally getting most of my immediate problems sorted and plans set in place, I entered the game only to be told that my soul was being destroyed and that the gods were going to change me into someone else. And that someone else turned out to be a girl. They likely could have changed me into a different guy, but no, to satiate their own thirst for entertainment they decided otherwise.’

Feeling her anger rising again from the fact she had now become entertainment, she took deep breaths to calm herself down, the sound softly echoing through the room. Remembering back to her first realisation that she was going to be forced to become a girl, the unease she had back then returned as she thought about the issue.

‘So, what’s actually going to change? There is the appearance side of things that will take some getting used to, with my absolutely stunning looks it’s almost certain that I will draw everyone’s attention no matter where I go. Heck, if I saw me walking down the street I would not be surprised if I intently checked my new body out. It’s going to take some getting used to, but I guess it’s no different from the attention I gained when I went on a night out wearing a tutu and tights, just this is permanent. Damn, that was a crazy night.’

Reminiscing over the tangent of her days of partying while at university, Astaria’s thoughts were once again forced to return to her current issues.

‘Next is the whole female body thing, with womanly issues like periods and the sort. I imagine that seeing me have to deal with that sort of thing might be prime entertainment for the gods, so it’s unlikely they exempted me from such trials. I guess I might have a few days a month feeling unwell, but I’m sure it’s no worse than a bad hangover, right? I remember reading somewhere that some women have heavy periods that are painful while others don’t feel much… I wonder what category I fit into?’

Feeling the anxious sensation in her stomach return at the thought, she continued mulling things over.

‘Well, it’s not something I can do much about, so there is no point in fretting over it. It’s just something I’m nervous about experiencing, that’s all. I guess the next issue will be my connections with people. It’s going to be hard acting like I don’t know people while establishing connections, but it is far less troublesome than trying to explain the situation to each person and convincing them, not to mention the weird impression people would have of me.’

Unconsciously biting her lip thinking about being in that situation, another thought popped into her head.

‘I feel like I will accidentally say something to them that they have not told the female me about which would be quite awkward.’

Closing her eyes with a frown, she mulled over possible ways out of that kind of situation.

‘I did have a similar experience when I first went back in time, but in that situation if something did accidentally slip out it was more understandable since a large number of the people I had already known for a long time. While for the female me, since it’s a fresh connection any slip-ups will stand out and the conversations will likely be remembered quite vividly due to my looks. As egotistical as I may sound, I would remember an interaction with someone so beautiful. I guess it’s both a blessing and a curse.’

Still pondering on a solution, she eventually had some ideas on how to handle the issue.

‘…I guess I could just say that it was something mentioned while I was talking to my male side, and as for anything I probably shouldn’t know I can just say I learned about it from documents Chester left behind. I guess that solves some of those issues. At least Fortuna will help to explain to my close friends, although I do wonder how persuasive it will be coming from someone who is seemingly a character in game…’

Sighing at the thought of that particular goddess trying to convince people something of this magnitude happened, she brought her hand to her head.

‘At least it will make my life a bit easier, I couldn’t bear living my life without people who actually knew who I was without a somewhat established background and nobody there to help me. It would be so lonely with all those years of life just forgotten by the world.’

Sighing again in exasperation, but feeling somewhat less apprehensive about having to deal with other people, Astaria could feel a bit of the tension release as she had unconsciously been tensing her shoulders. Feeling her body relaxing into the soft mattress, she once again brought her thoughts back on track.

‘Now that I think about it, I should just treat this as a new step in life. I guess it feels kind of similar to when I moved into the first-year university halls, becoming completely self-reliant without maids like Regina or cooks. I was both excited and worried back then. But at least I’m not nearly as concerned as I was around when the Great Upheaval started, that was honestly a pretty awful time. Still, this remains something earth shattering and will take some time to adjust to.’

Clasping her hands together over her flat stomach, she took another deep breath.

‘I guess I should think of what I should look forward to in the future given the situation. Looking for the positives in these types of situation always has improved my mentality.’

‘Firstly, I guess my tastes have changed somewhat. I do seem to like sweet things now going off my reaction to the cake before. I guess that dishes will taste a little different to me now, so I will be able to enjoy tasting different foods again for the first time while also finding out my new likes and dislikes.’

Smiling to herself at the thought of experiencing all the different dishes with her new tastes, her mood improved massively.

‘I guess there is the clothing side that I can look forward to… it will take some time to mentally get used to wearing women’s clothing, but it’s not like I’ve not worn them before. Aside from the tutu and princess dress, I have been on stage in front of over a thousand people in high heels and hot pants while re-enacting that one advert with a dance-off between Builders and Strutters…’

Smirking at the memory, she sank back into her thoughts.

‘Besides, I did enjoy clothes shopping with my ex-girlfriend back at university, that if you can ignore the hours of deliberation, aching arms from carrying bags, all the constant walking, the ages spent waiting outside the changing rooms… yeah, now I think about it the only fun part was seeing Lilly wearing the clothes I picked out for her, so I guess I only really enjoyed dressing up my girlfriend...’

At this revelation, she heaved a massive sigh feeling she was too slow to realise this major fact. She had been blinded by wanting to see eye candy this whole time.

‘Wow, what a revelation to have after so many years… Well, while mentally dressing up like that may be a struggle at first, I can’t lie to myself now and say that the idea of seeing such a beautiful woman wearing whatever I pick is not enticing… even if it’s just a reflection.’

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