Etsusa Bridge

Volume 4, Chapter 6-A: The Wolf is at the Gate

A suite on a certain floor in the Grand Ibis Hotel.

Launching myself into the air, I flew into the wide-open room.

I supposed I could charge forward and try for an instant kill. But I was hesitant to leap out into the hallway. It would be awful if the hallway was swarming with men carrying machine guns. Then the best thing to do is stay here and hope for a bottleneck.

They rushed inside, but just as I expected, only a small number came. They probably didn’t open fire on me as I leapt because they confused me with Yili, who’s also in white.

But that confusion was quickly rectified and I was soon surrounded.

Six men armed with guns. No other weapons.

I always thought the Western District was more suited to blades than firearms. I felt betrayed. It’s absurd to feel betrayal at a belief that had no real basis to begin with, but I wish they’d try to match the atmosphere, at least.

I’d heard some of them used half-sized daggers or Chinese broadswords, but no such weapons were here. And I suppose there’s no one who walks about with a lead pipe like that girl I see on the rooftop.

My complaints were crushed by the men in black, who rushed inside with guns at the ready. Alas. This is reality.

Four surrounded me in a semicircle, and the other two went to a corner of the room—probably to protect Yili and Kugi. Although I don’t think Kugi needs a bodyguard.

If I had to say, I could sense more people outside. Just how many did she call here?

That was when I heard Yili driving a lynchpin into my thoughts.

“…Where is everyone?”

She moved into my line of sight as she spoke. Her eyes are as icy as ever.

And does she mean she called for even more people? What would she do with so many men? They’ll probably end up punching each other before they hit me. It’s the Guard Team that’s good at teamwork. Although there’s no real point to using logical thought with these people.

“I told you to gather as many people as you could.” Yili said. One of the men whispered into her ear. Nope. I can’t hear him.

But what she said afterwards was enough.

“Elder Brother Lihuang? Are you sure?”

So to confirm my suspicions, I spontaneously decided to ask Yili. Spontaneous. That’s a good way of putting things. It means my question’s a natural one. So I’ll follow this path of spontaneity and go about things in whatever order comes most naturally to me. Even if it doesn’t turn out to be the path of least resistance.

“Oh. So you lost half your team to your brother?”

I only realized how condescending I sounded after the fact. I take it back. There’s a time and place even for spontaneity.

She frowned for a moment, but Yili quickly returned to her icy self.

And she stared at me with unreadable eyes.

“You’re right. ‘Lost’ isn’t the right word. But… if nothing else, I can’t afford to listen to you anymore.”

“…Could you afford to listen to me to begin with?”

“No.”

Blunt. That hurts.

But what’s going on here? To be honest, I’m actually a little relieved.

If they came in with guns blazing, it would have simply been a matter of killing or being killed. Unlike in the Eastern District, these people wouldn’t put out a capture-on-sight order for me. And unlike in the streets, the hotel’s no place for a chase. If only I could knock people out with a blow to the neck, like in those old manga. I think it might be possible with training, but unfortunately I never received any.

I can’t afford to worry about other people’s lives in an all-out brawl. Then I’d end up looking to the sky again to figure out reasons I killed people.

Although it’s all the same if they charge in to kill me afterwards.

Yili left the room with no concern for my anguish. I wondered if she considered that I might take her hostage as she passed by, but I corrected my thoughts when I saw Kugi pointing his gun at me from a distance. Aha. I see. So this princess has unwavering faith in her prince in shining armor.

“I see. So you have unwavering faith in your prince in shining armor.”

“…”

She ignored me. Even after I went to the trouble of changing the knight into a prince.

If these people were the Guard Team, they would have turned red and lunged. But I guess things are different between the districts. No. Actually, the Guard Team is filled to the brim with crazies.

Making sure that Yili passed by me safely, Kugi followed her. Although there were men in black holding me at gunpoint between us, he was obviously being cautious.

Upon an unnecessary re-examination, I realized that this man really was Seiichi Kugi. The shadow over his face was a world apart from what I’d seen in the past, though. Something must have happened. There couldn’t have been nothing. I don’t know what, but the fact that he’s on the island means that there was something in his past.

“Hey.”

Spontaneously, I asked him,

“Do you think you’re normal?”

The men in black tensed every time I said something, but they never told me to shut up. Maybe they knew that each response left them open to an attack. Or maybe they didn’t do anything useless unless Yili gave the order.

“If I could—”

To my surprise, he opened his mouth.

What’s he going to say? No. Wait. What am I expecting from him?

And why did I ask him in the first place? I’m busy enough as it is trying to demand normalcy of myself. So now am I extending that to other people?

Oh well. For now, I’ll wait and hear him out.

“Seiichi.”

But Yili’s voice cut off the response.

They must be desperate at this point. If not, Yili wouldn’t have just left me in the hands of her subordinates and departed.

Kugi quickly walked outside, continuing his answer as he passed by me. Not for my sake, but under his breath as if to himself and no one else.

“—I would choose to lose my mind.”

I didn’t answer. I wondered for a moment why I didn’t.

But I never found an answer, and decided that I wasn’t good enough of a person to respond to a man who was talking to himself.

“Restrain him. You have permission to kill if he resists.”

Yili said from the hallway as though daring me to respond. She gives them permission, she says. I’m a little envious that she has the power to decide whether someone lives or dies.

…Hm? Am I the same in a sense? I don’t ever remember making the decision, but I think it might be similar to when I killed people who I sensed were going to kill me, or when I killed people because I didn’t want to die.

Then I’m an awful person. A significantly awful one. How could I criticize her without even realizing the hypocrisy that I’m guilty of the same thing? But serendipitously enough, I managed to realize that. What a relief. I guess I can still call myself normal.

Oh. Then a new question rose to mind.

“I want to ask you something.”

“Hands in the air.” Said one of the black suits, tense.

I put my hands in the air and plainly asked the man,

“What does ‘serendipitous’ mean, anyway? I used the word without thinking, but what’s the actual definition?”

“…”

The men exchanged glances, then began closing in.

They must want to knock me out cold and take me in on the spot. But they’re not telling me to put my hands on the back of my head. Maybe because they’re not police? Or maybe they’re used to killing, but not arrest.

With both hands in the air, and without showing an ounce of hostility, I asked another question.

“About your feet.”

“?”

“What if your feet break?”

Their quizzical glances fell on me. Which is natural. But that doesn’t mean I should stop talking.

“What if I popped open your Achilles tendons and you couldn’t move anymore and lost your will to fight? Would you fear me?”

“Wha…?”

“If that doesn’t work, I’ll crush one eyeball. One per person. And if you watch me blandly as I juggle the eyes, would you fall to your knees in terror? So you’ll never cross me again?”

“What… what the hell are you going on about?”

The light in the room shone in slick patches off the man’s face. He was breaking into sweat.

“I was just thinking I should stop killing people. But it occurred to me that I’ve got too much of a cowardly streak to do that.”

“A… cowardly streak?”

“I’m scared. Afraid. I’ve managed to kill my enemies by sheer luck so far, but never for a second did I think I was strong. I’m the Killer Ghoul, but I’m normal at heart. So being held at gunpoint like this terrifies me. So if I don’t want to die, I think I should kill you. I don’t have the option of apologizing. Your boss Yili flushed that down the drain. She erased the possibility of solving this dilemma with words. So since I’m here, I thought about how I could disarm you without killing you and make sure at the same time that you don’t stab me in the back someday… but I couldn’t think of anything specific.”

I was worried they’d shoot me while I was talking, but that turned out to be my imagination. They’re… they’re all covered in cold sweat, rooted to the spot, and staring at me. Am I really that terrifying? I was sure they’d cut me off and charge, saying ‘Hah! What a bunch of crap!’.

…Oh.

“If that doesn’t work, I’ll cut up your tongues. I’ll keep it connected to your esophaguses before I slice them to bits to see if the individual slices still move.”

I get it.

“So if you’re still going to threaten me… I’ll just worry about the consequences later.”

These guys… they’re scared.

They’re scared of me… no. Of the mask I’m wearing; the mask of Yakumo Amagiri.

To think my name would bring such fear. I guess that was what I was trying to do. That was my goal when I stood at their boss’s bedside two months ago. To show that I am no legend, but a living, breathing existence. That I was an existing source of fear.

But the men would not lower their guns.

Is this what people mean when they say they can break the bounds of fear? No. I don’t think that’s it.

Wait. Wait. This isn’t the time for that. The most important thing is that I can’t let myself get caught here.

“All right. If you’re not going to answer, I’ll just try it all one after the next.”

They seemed quite rattled to hear me say so so nonchalantly.

Don’t move, they said, as they slowly pulled the trigger.

Slowly. That’s right. Slowly.

As I scrutinized the movements of the guns and the men’s gazes, I slowly shifted to move out of the line of fire.

Slowly. Slowly.

The slow-motion world before me is both mundane and extraordinary.

I was always lonely in this world.

Until I saw that smile that day.

? ??

Two months ago, I asked Miss Nazuna, ‘do you think I’m abnormal?’, and despaired at her reply.

…I must have loved her so much to feel that way.

Even if I was out of sync with the world, I didn’t want to be out of sync with her.

“What, you didn’t already know?”

Her answer pierced me like a spear through something in my head.

I was utterly broken. Something must have happened to me then.

What ran through my mind?

I’m such an idiot.

That’s why I tried to stop me.

I just had to acknowledge myself in my own heart.

I could have lost myself in the fantasy that maybe she would understand.

I know already. I know that any normal person would have answered that way.

I kept telling myself that I was normal because I knew that. Even knowing the fact that I was the only one I could convince that way.

But I started to dream.

That maybe she would be different.

That maybe someone who was filled to the brim with this island’s air—someone like her, so calm in the face of death—might understand.

And my dream was shattered to bits.

And in only a minute since I truly fell in love with her.

I guess this is what it feels like when a man confesses to someone he’s never met before and gets rejected.

So… maybe we’re from different worlds after all.

Am I different from this world itself? Is that why I can see this world’s time differently?

No…

If we’re from different worlds…

If our souls can never truly come together…

If she can’t be mine…

Then I’d rather—

Once more, I focused.

The world contorted around me as I took one step after another towards Miss Nazuna, who had her back turned.

I love her so much. So I… I… I…

The moment I thought to reach forward, she turned to me.

There was a smile on her face.

It was a beautiful smile, I thought. It… really was.

A very pure smile.

“But” She’s trying to say something, I think. What now? One more blow while I’m still down?

“you” Please, that’s enough. Don’t— …?

“know” ‘But’ what?

“I”

“don’t”

The smile that emerged in my world spoke to me.

Boldly, without hesitation.

“But you know, I don’t dislike how abnormal you are.”

“Ah…”

Time rushed back at normal speed around me.

Doesn’t dislike. What does that mean? Is she trying to be nice? Is she cheering me up? Then she could have just lied to begin with and said I was normal. Is this a plot? Is she trying to play hard-to-get? I don’t think she’s the type. So why?

My thoughts fell to pieces in my confusion, and I could barely manage to continue speaking. It was such an incomplete and unsightly excuse for a sentence.

“I… why… but… if I’m… not… abnormal… why.”

“Hm? Why? I just don’t care if someone’s interests are normal or not.”

She replied plainly. I became even more confused. One of the reasons was that I never dared to think I’d hear something like this.

The other reason was that I just looked back into my thoughts and felt sick at the horror lurking inside.

What… was I about to do?

What… what was I just going to do to Miss Nazuna?

What I was about to do. That was clearly abnormal. It had nothing to do with the mask of Yakumo Amagiri. I had really, truly, lost my mind. Not carrying out the thought doesn’t make it okay. The moment the thought occurred to me, I was already insane.

And running a whisk through my already-unsteady heart, Miss Nazuna put on a self-deprecating smile. Wow. She looks pretty even with a smile like that…

“Then again, I’m not really normal, either. …I might actually be more abnormal than you are.”

“…What do you mean?”

She shrugged and laughed, and told me something.

“I’ve already killed so many people with this sword you brought back to me.”

It was a shocking confession, in a sense. I couldn’t believe it. But I quickly changed my mind. Miss Nazuna would never tell confusing lies.

But to be honest, she didn’t look like the type to kill people.

There was plenty of insanity to go around in the Guard Team, but they didn’t seem to be a band of killing machines like the Western District’s men. And even among the Guard Team’s ranks, Miss Nazuna was sensible, courteous, brave, and only killed people because she didn’t want to die… nothing like me, the man who lost himself in the heat of the moment and almost committed murder.

“…So… it was all in self-defense, right?” I finally said after some thought, but she shook her head.

“Then did you have a grudge against someone?”

Maybe she was after revenge. Maybe she lost her family to guerrillas and decided to wipe them out to avenge her loved ones… yeah. That’s not too unusual on this island.

But she shook her head again.

“I’ve never killed people because of my emotions. If I had to be frank, it’s all work.”

“Work?”

“I killed people according to orders. I’ve almost never killed people for the Guard Team, but I took other jobs too. You know, our team kind of mellowed out under our leader, but most of us have bloodstained pasts.”

…That wasn’t a big shock. Working for something like the Guard Team on this island generally guaranteed that you had skeletons in your closet. Jun, the captain, seemed all the more unnatural in that midst.

I said nothing. Miss Nazuna continued as though to herself.

“It’s strange to kill people in the heat of the moment, but in a way, that’s normal. Like you were just now. You ended up saving me anyhow, so thank you.”

For a second, I saw Miss Nazuna’s expression falter. A hint of loneliness; a hint of surrender veiled her face.

“So… maybe I’m the crazy one, killing people without needing to get carried away by the heat of the moment.”

“No, that’s not true!”

Before I knew it, I had raised my voice.

“Just now… I… I tried to kill you.”

“What?”

Not again.

I did it again. This time, my internal voice didn’t even get to stop me.

A horde of monsters called ‘regrets’ instantly surged from the bottom of my heart and crashed over me, but my mouth didn’t stop. If regrets and embarrassment were enough to suppress everything, I wouldn’t have felt the urge to kill her earlier.

In the end, pushed by something I don’t understand—the heat of the moment, the atmosphere, or something—I squeezed air out of my lungs and told her everything. I revealed the twisted emotions I harbored just earlier.

I tried to be prepared to see her draw, prepared for her to spit on me… but before I could finish, I was done telling her everything.

Miss Nazuna listened to what I had to say, standing there. By the time I was done, she looked incredulous.

“Why are you telling me all of this? I think you might have been better off not saying that.”

I think so too. Oh no. It’s over.

But this time, I didn’t jump to thoughts about Miss Nazuna and the universe or anything like that. You reap what you sow. I earned this rejection.

Yet to my surprise, she sighed and looked me in the eye.

“But, well… you are abnormal, but from my perspective… you’re not bad. I never thought someone would confess to me like this.”

What? Confess?

Oh no.

Come to think of it, while I was explaining my impulse to kill her and the universe, I think I also ended up explaining all the emotions related to that without even thinking. Talk about a dry love confession. And it was coupled with a confession of attempted murder, too. I’m the most disgusting sicko in the world.

No. That’s not it. I’m normal. It’s just that the mask of Yakumo Amagiri has gone thin right now.

Yes. I’m normal.

People can go mad over jealousy and love.

Anyone can.

But they suppress it all with the mask of logic.

On this island, I wear the mask of Yakumo Amagiri. I look at the world through this mask, separate from logic.

So am I really normal, now that I’ve expressed everything but logical thought?

I wallowed in embarrassment over my twisted confession, when Miss Nazuna began to walk away. When she turned, she smiled faintly in my direction. There was no veil over her face then. And… yes. She was beautiful.

“I’m glad to see that even you have a human side. I’ll be going now, then.”

“…I’m sorry. Next time, when I’m calm… I’ll confess again.”

“We can take our time. I mean, I have my own circumstances so I can’t give you an answer yet. If I hadn’t smiled earlier, you could have killed me.”

“…I don’t know what to say.”

With a light wave, Miss Nazuna walked towards the Eastern District. Did she truly believe that I felt the impulse to kill her? Maybe she’s taking it as a half-joke; but even if she believes me completely, I don’t think she’d act any different.

That’s right. I… I still don’t know much about Miss Nazuna. Because we’ve been enemies all this time.

I plucked out the words ‘you’re not bad’ and ‘I don’t dislike you’ from our conversation and played them back in my head over and over again.

At the same time, I was struck by the veil of shadow that had fallen across her face.

“So… maybe I’m the crazy one, killing people without needing to get carried away by the heat of the moment.”

At this point, I wasn’t so much bothered by the fact that she killed people than the question of what was different about us.

People who kill for logical reasons, fully intending to murder.

People who let their emotions take over, winding up taking lives.

Which one is truly insane?

And am I really normal for constantly debating this?

Of course I am.

I want to be acknowledged. Not by myself.

By even just one other person.

Someone. I want someone to acknowledge me.

Before I knew it, I was lying on the usual rooftop.

Watching the clouds flowing past, I lost myself in the aftertaste of the recent past and closed my eyes to dream.

And I had a dream.

I saw the same scene as earlier, when I had walked up to her without a sound and she smiled at me.

But in my dream, Miss Nazuna didn’t look back, and my hand touched her neck.

And I followed my instincts—

I opened my eyes.

Before I could see the alternate conclusion, I awoke and quickly held my hands up to my face. They were damp with sweat, and I was sickened to find that I felt the barest hint of her neck on my fingertips.

Someone please answer me.

Am I… am I normal?

What… did I just do?

Was I… normal?

Someone…

Someone, please…

Several days later, I heard over the island’s radio broadcast that Miss Nazuna was in critical condition.

? ??

Present time. A suite on a certain floor in the Grand Ibis Hotel.

That’s it. That’s when I became hesitant to kill.

And as if in exchange, someone began to murder the executives of the Western and Eastern Districts.

I came here to prove that I was not the killer, but a part of me was haunted by something.

Maybe the conversation I had with Miss Nazuna was the dream, and her neck on my fingertips was the reality.

Maybe the mask of Yakumo Amagiri had finally become an independent personality and left my control. Then… maybe I was really behind the serial murders after all.

“Won’t you answer me? Am I normal…? Or not…?”

I muttered under my breath as I stood amidst the men groaning in pain on the floor. I knew they were in no state to respond, and I can’t imagine any of their answers would help, anyway.

Including the ones that came in from the hallway, there were ten in total. It ended so much more easily compared to my fights with the Guard Team, since these people were easy to read. But I didn’t kill them. I broke their limbs or dislocated their joints—not a single person spared—but they were all still alive.

But a couple of them ended up shooting each other. They were bleeding from their arm and leg respectively, but they still had pulses.

I reluctantly stopped their bleeding and rummaged through the pockets of one of the conscious ones and put his cell phone in his hand.

“Call your friends or something and ask for help. I have to go now.”

I don’t have a lot of medical know-how, so I just wrapped up their wounds with cloth.

I could just leave them, but I actually managed to keep them all alive this time. So it would leave a bad taste in my mouth if they died anyway.

“Miss Nazuna…”

I collected all their guns, filled the bathtub with water, and threw them inside. …Huh? Wait, can’t you shoot a submerged gun, too? I don’t know much about guns. But I guess I don’t have to worry about them chasing me down to shoot me, since I broke all their knees.

I considered taking one gun for myself, but stopped. I’ve snatched away guns from enemies to use against them before, and I’ve used them to kill people who attacked me. But I just don’t know about guns. I’m always scared that they might explode and kill me, or that a stray bullet would hit an innocent—like Miss Nazuna. So I never went out of my way to have one—and I probably never will.

“Miss Nazuna…”

I whispered her name once more as I stepped out of the suite.

If the dream and reality I remember really have been switched, and I really was the one who hurt her…

If she regains consciousness and points her sword at me… it’s only right that I’m cut down.

It doesn’t matter what the truth is.

I… just want her to get well soon.

But I continued to search for the real culprit, desperately clinging to the hope that the reality I remember is real.

I will personally destroy the one who tried to kill her.

Even if it happens to be me.

Then the mask of Yakumo Amagiri can kill the ‘me’ under this mask.

Although maybe it’s the other way around.

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