Hero? I've Long Stopped Being One

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Volume 1 – Chapter 10: Who's the Pervert?

The [Evil Elutriating Electrified Rod Version 2000] in Xiao Zhan's hand,in a special sense of the word, did, in fact, reach a level of high efficiency. He just needed to lightly flourish the rod and large patches of sewage would turn into clear water, and those sheets of clear water would, in turn, flow off its body.

In under a minute, the sewage monster's tentacles were quickly destroyed.

"It's about time that people recognize my strength." Xiao Zhan said as he turned the rods to their highest power setting. The sudden sound of violent vibration resounded through the air for a period of time.

In the wake of the powerful vibrations, Xiao Zhan charged ruthlessly at the sewage monster in front of him.

……

When Thirteen and Specs bro finally arrived at the scene, they beheld such a scene.

Xiao Zhan was soaking wet, held in his hands was a weirdly shaped object that constantly vibrated and wobbled. At the same time, he was facing an equally drenched loli and was incessantly poking her. But most importantly, the little loli was without a stitch of clothing, her whole body dripping wet. She was breathlessly sat on her knees on the ground.

"You scum! Release that loli!" Specs bro shouted towards Xiao Zhan, "I didn't think that you were actually this kind of person! I have no choice but to report you!"

"That's right!" At the side, Lin Jie said, "Scum like you should be directly castrated."

Saying that, Lin Jie walked over, and snatched away the Evil Elutriating Electrified Rod in Xiao Zhan's hand.

"This uh…" Xiao Zhan's complexion was red, "It's all a misunderstanding, actually, this loli was the sewage monster! You saw it right, Lin Jie? I thought she was quite pitiful when I saw her fall into a pond of sewage and become a monster, so I wanted to help her become clean again."

"This point I can attest to." Lin Jie said, "But such a sly thing, you should leave to me to do."

Saying that, Lin Jie moved the rod he just snatched in the direction of the loli in front of him.

"You scum! How could we allow a debauched person like you take care of things like this?" Thirteen grabbed Lin Jie's hand, "This kind of thing should be left to a pure and clean person like myself."

"You're already drooling, you wretch." Xiao Zhan shouted, "This weapon was made by me, of course, it'd be better for me to handle."

Hearing the conversation between the three, Specs bro looked all around at the circle of onlookers and yelled, "Who can lend me their phone for a bit! There are three perverts here, I want to report them."

……

The four quietly looked at the loli who was only wearing a jacket, the latter was currently trembling nonstop under the four men's gazes.

"A loli huh… What should we do? Don't tell me that we should give her to the research department?" Xiao Zhan asked.

"A loli ah… This problem is really difficult to handle, we simply cannot lay a hand on her and continue fighting her like this." Thirteen said.

"This really difficult to deal with. How about I just kill her. Death ends all of one's troubles." Lin Jie stated plainly.

"Lin Jie! What exactly is your astrological sign, how could you be so cold-blooded?" Yelled Specs bro.^[2]

"Tch, this world cares too much about appearances, she's a murderer who brutally strangled thirteen people and killed three!" "We can "cut" her based solely on her previous criminal charges."

"We can't." Specs bro angrily shouted, "The people that she hurt were also criminals. Plus, I doubt she would've willingly become like that."

"Then there's nothing I can do." Lin Jie said.

"So, she actually went berserk because of that bag of La Tiao?" Xiao Zhan curiously asked.

"Besides that, there's no other explanation." Thirteen said, "She went berserk after I threw my bag of La Tiao at her."

"Alright, I've decided. How about, in the future if we ever come across other chemical experimental subjects, I should add a little La Tiao in to see what happens." Xiao Zhan said standing at the side, "I can't help but admit that the cooking oil^[1] used in La Tiao has a bit of a special composition."

"First, let's forget about your experiments; what should we do about this loli?" Specs bro asked.

"Normally, when you meet a wild loli on the street, what do you do?" Lin Jie asked.

"I guess… you bring them back home, right?" Thirteen said.

"Bring the loli back home to do research together." Xiao Zhan said.

"So in the end, we're still going to bring her back, yeah?" Lin Jie said.

"How about I report you three perverts to the police." Specs bro said from the side.

"Since you don't want to let me bring her back home, should I just kill her?" said Lin Jie as he took out a butcher knife.

"Why are you so cold-blooded! Tell me the truth Lin Jie, what is your astrological sign?" Specs bro said.

In the end, they still brought the little loli back to the Xiao Company's top floor. Which was also their team's headquarters. On the way there, the only snags they hit on their way back, besides the two car accidents, was the elevator breaking down once. One of the high-rise's pipe system's exploded with great power, but thankfully, after Thirteen left, the high-rise was still salvageable.

Just like this, a night passed.

Early next day, Lin Jie and Specs bro arrived at the top floor, and there a very, very moe looking small loli was currently hugging a bag of La Tiao watching the news channel in front of the tv.

Xiao Zhan was currently staring at the computer screen in front of him.

"How did you deal with that group of people yesterday?" Lin Jie asked.

"I handed them over to the Superhero Association." Xiao Zhan said, "That's right, in a moment I will transfer the reward money to everyone's card. You guys don't know but, the broker's leader yesterday was actually the chairman of a famous biochemical company."

"Oh?" Lin Jie said, "Doesn't that mean there's an opportunity for our rank to rise?"

"Correct, my original ranking as a E-level rank 19980 rose to E-level rank 17777." Xiao Zhan said, "Lin Jie, your rank went from E-level rank 29998 to rank 27777. Specs bro went from D-level rank 14886 to rank 12334 and Thirteen's rank didn't change at all."

"Our ranks only rose this much ah, didn't you say that leader guy was pretty Impressive? Lin Jie asked curiously.

"He was impressive, but by the time we moved out, that dude's company already collapsed. So his score dropped. The other side of the business deal seems to have a very deep background,I don't know the specifics. Also, the most important reason is because witnesses at the scene reported us molesting a young girl, causing us to lose over half of our points." Xiao Zhan said, "I just don't understand, we obviously defeated a monster, but we were actually called perverts. Don't they know my girlfriends are only mature and fully rounded beautiful women?"

"You still have the gall to say you're not a pervert!?" Specs bro yelled out.

"Ah now that I think about it… where did Thirteen go?" Lin Jie asked.

"He uh… I heard after getting his share of the reward he went to Heavenly Islandfor vacation." Xiao Zhan said.

"We are interrupting this broadcast with breaking news. Thirty massive waves have appeared around Heavenly Island, it looks like the ocean race has launched an attack against Heavenly Island, all superheroes in the vicinity of Heavenly Island please head over immediately to help…" Just at that moment, the tv showing news suddenly spouted these words.

"……"

After a brief silence, Lin Jie started speaking, "Forget it, even though the points weren't too gratifying, but didn't you at the very least become famous?"

……

Yesterday, after purifying the sewage monster, Xiao Zhan's strength was praised by the encircling onlookers. The most important thing was that after the event he, Xiao Zhan, was in charge of cleanup.

Brandishing the rods up and down, the gourmet food street that would've required more than half a day to clean was quickly cleared up to the point it looked like nothing had even happened in less than 15 minutes. But that wasn't all, Xiao Zhan also helped clean those who had been splashed with the sewage.

Rumor has it, that the people who were purified by his two rods, all had the same appearance, red-faced bodies limply lying on the ground. Although the superhero name Zhan Chen (Xiao Zhan's superhero name) wasn't really considered famous, but the name 'Filth Warrior' had already circulated throughout the entirety H-cities female population.

"Otherwise you could just directly change your name to 'Filth Warrior', I reckon it's much more well-known than that Zhan Chen name you've got." Lin Jie said.

"No way, if my name became 'Filth Warrior', wouldn't I have to become a laundry detergent peddler?" Xiao Zhan indignantly said.

"To be honest, you have a much better chance of succeeding at being a housekeeper compared to being a superhero." Lin Jie said

"Stop bickering, what do we do with the girl?" Specs bro interrupted Lin Jie and Xiao Zhan's debate, "Have you even asked if she has family or anything similar?"

"I've asked, but since the moment she arrived here she hasn't uttered a single word. No matter what I ask her she doesn't answer at all." Xiao Zhan shook his head as he said, "She only reacted when I gave her La Tiao to eat."

"Giving a small loli La Tiao to eat, exactly how monstrously animalistic are you?" Specs bro said and then snatched the bag of La Tiao from the hands of the small loli.

After the bag of La Tiao was taken out of her hands, the edges of the small loli's eyes started glistening as she looked woefully at Specs bro. Her two small arms were waving in the air again and again, in an attempt to grab the bag of La Tiao in Specs bros hands.

"Couldn't help it, I only have La Tiao left here." Xiao Zhan said, "That said, bastards that steal a little kid's snack have no right to reprimand me."

"Stop eating this stuff, have you not realized that the two times she's eaten La Tiao she's eaten herself silly?" Specs bro said and pointed at Lin Jie and Xiao Zhan, the latter was currently holding a bag of La Tiao.

"Don't eat this anymore, in a little bit this Big Brother will bring you to eat some delicious food, I promise that it'll be at least 100 times better!" Specs bro said.

The small loli opened her big eyes and carefully thought for a while, before saying the first thing since she had arrived there, "Really?"

Hearing such a sweet voice, Specs bro was overcome by the moe, "Don't worry, this brother never lies. Eating this stuff is unhealthy and makes you stupid. Don't trust those two you see over there."

Saying that, Specs bro pointed at the two whose mouths were open and La Tiao was falling out.

The small loli glanced at Lin Jie and Xiao Zhan, thought for a second, and then said, "Okay…"

"Tch, damned lolicon!" Lin Jie interjected.

"Damned lolicon." Xiao Zhan said right after him.

"You two perverts have no right to talk about me!" Specs bro angrily said.

"Right, since she's talking to you, why don't you hurry up and question her?" Xiao Zhan said.

"Oh." It was only now that Specs bro reacted. He faced the small loli and asked, "Before we go eat delicious food, how about you tell big brother your name, oh, and do you have any family?"

"……" The small loli thought for a while, "I don't remember."

"Then… can you remember what happened before?"

"I can't."

"Then, is there anything else you remember?"

"Un… I remember I was controlling something, and then this just fell in, and I can't remember anything after that." The small loli's hand pointed at the bag of La Tiao in Specs bro. Then she looked as if something had dawned upon her, and said, "So eating that thing will really make me stupid, no wonder these two perverted big brothers looked so dumb."

"Pfft… Perverted big brothers… HAHAHAHA, that's just too accurate." Specs bro was laughing at the side, completely ignorant of the fact that the other two people's faces had darkened.^[3]

"Okay, lolicon big brother, when are we going to eat delicious food?"

"Lolicon big brother?" Specs bro froze.

This time it was Lin Jie and Xiao Zhan's turn to laugh crazily.

It was while they were helplessly kicking up a fussthat the doorbell rang. Xiao Zhan looked at the door's surveillance monitor, and the figure of a slim silver haired person appeared on the monitor.

Footnotes:

[1]Basically, in China and Taiwan, restaurants have been known to use discarded cooking oil from the sewers. They extract it from sewers, clean it, and then sell it or use it. It's been an issue for quite a while now.

[2]Same thing as Zodiac signs, I think… it could also refer to personality or true self/nature. Interpret as you will.

[3]It's much nicer sounding in Chinese… lol same for the lolicon big brother.

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