How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis

Chapter 403: Quick Maths

Jenny sat on the step with her head bowed and her hair falling forward every time she pushed it back.

You enjoyed that, didnt you? she said with not a little bitterness. She sounded tired and slightly out of breath.

It was alright, I said. Im not really into petty revenge.

Lucky me, said Jenny.

I certainly had my grievances against Jenny, but she had more than proved herself when it came down to the main question of our relationship, which was, of course, why the fuck are you with me?

Any reasonably self-aware person knows themselves well enough to be wary of anyone who shows them the slightest bit of interest. It usually means theyre either retarded or mental.

But Jennys interest in me, mental or not, was at least genuine. She had even saved my life at the cost of half her face. It would be churlish of me to doubt her good intentions towards me at this point.

Unfortunately, good intentions are worth fuck all in the general scheme of things. In many cases, theyre a liability.

So, what could I do? Remove her right to have a say in my life? That doesnt really work when your lives are intertwined. We were connected, if only by a very thin thread, and I wasnt looking to change that. The thing about having a mad girlfriend is that its not all bad. Sure, occasionally you have surprise rabbit stew for dinner, but shes always glad to see you.

Jenny looked up at me with a pained expression. Do you really believe Claires been controlling me all this time?

I dont know if its been total control, but I think shes been influencing your decisions. Then again, maybe I just want to believe that because it would make it easier to accept all the dumb shit youve done recently.

Equality in a relationship is a myth. You cant both be at the same level, the whole thing would collapse. What you can do is take turns being the self-righteous prick. It tends to work out best if you both fuck up a lot. That way, one person gets to act like theyre justified in talking down to the other person, and the other person feels like they deserve it. And then you switch.

Jenny sighed. And she tried to control you through me? Why didnt it work?

Are you gathering information for the next attempt?

Jenny put her chin in the palm of her hand and thought about it. Im not sure. I think Im curious. You dont have to tell me if you think Ill use it against you. Not that youll ever trust me again.

I trust you, I said. The reason I tend not to follow your advice isnt because of trust issues, its because its usually bad advice.

Jenny sat up a little straighter, a little more offended. Then why are you with me?

This is what it always comes down to. What am I supposed to say? That it wasnt her advice I was attracted to?

Claire couldnt get me to do what she wanted because Claire thinks like a girl.

Jenny frowned. What does that mean?

She treated me the same way she would treat a girl she wanted to bully. But I dont think like a girl. That doesnt mean Im any smarter or better at crosswords, it just means I dont care what other people think.

And girls do?

Thats all you fucking care about, I said.

Thats not true, said Jenny.

No, its not true. But it sounds better when I exaggerate.

Exaggeration is the key to any long- lasting relationship. Its lying when the other person knows thats what youre doing. And if you both know youre lying, it is no longer a form of deceit, it becomes something else. It becomes a way to express things that are hard to say.

If you ask me if I want to go with you to the shops and I say I want to go a million percent, it is both nonsensical and means more than a simple yes. People need that kind of reassurance dropped casually into their lives. It is far more important than roses on Valentines Day.

Most people dont see it. Theyre too distracted by the messages that get shoved in their faces about how to live and love and what they should own as a couple to impress other couples.

How am I supposed to keep Claire out of my head? asked Jenny. She still wasnt completely convinced she was under Claires thrall, but she had come to the decision that she might as well assume that was the case and take the appropriate steps to curtail it. Couldnt hurt to be cautious.

I dont know, I said. Probably best not to worry about it too much. Just doubt every thought that comes into your head and only take action when you absolutely have to. Seems to work for me.

Jenny stood up and straightened her clothes. Alright, Im ready.

Ready for what?

I dont know, she said. I was exaggerating. She began walking up the stairs. Whats the plan?

We dont have one.

Okay. Good.

We reached the top of the stairs, Jenny leading the way (how anyone can say Im not a feminist, I have no idea).

The room at the top of the spire was like all the others, except the lights were on. Peter was standing next to a console that was gently glowing he had a power source working here, but apparently not enough to give him full access to the spires abilities.

Claire was sitting on the floor, her head in her hands. The feedback from Jenny getting upset had obviously affected her, but the effect hadnt knocked her out. If I could find a way to get Jenny really upset, perhaps that would give Claire a more permanent jolt.

Ah, said Peter, warm and friendly. There you are. I was beginning to think Id have to send out a search party.

Hold on, I said and I slipped out of my body.

In the adjacent world, things were much the same, except all the vines I had cut off Peter and Claire were back. This was something I had sort of expected, although I had no idea how it had happened.

Peter had some kind of instant regrowing ability, it seemed. And it was able to affect Claire, too.

If that was true, it would explain why my attempts at cutting him off from the people he controlled had failed, but it was a complete mystery as to how he was able to do it.

I returned to my body.

Sorry about that, I said in an equally friendly manner. Just checking something. I looked around the room. Wheres your power source?

Im sorry, said Peter, also looking around. What do you mean?

Youve got one of Gideons crew nailed to a wall somewhere, havent you?

Shes in the basement, muttered Claire.

Hello, Claire. Got a headache?

She looked up at me with bloodshot eyes. You wont win. Hes too powerful.

I hardly think thatll make a difference, I said.

Its a common mistake people make. They think the extremes are where you find the best answers. Strongest, fastest, richest, smartest. These are what our society tells us to aim for, and what we should consider most admirable.

Its bullshit. A way to keep people distracted.

If you have a one person who has a degree in mathematics and another who has a maths PhD, and both apply for a job to teach maths to five year olds, which is the better candidate?

Both know the basics well enough to be able to teach young Timmy that if he has two apples and then two more, he now has way more apples than he can possibly eat.

Shouldnt the better mathematician be the better maths teacher? Anyone whos ever been to school will know theres no correlation. Excess knowledge that isnt necessary doesnt help when you have a specific task to achieve

Dr Maths might be better at getting through to kids or he might not, his thesis on the colour of imaginary numbers (four years well spent) wont have any bearing on the matter.

How suited someone is to a particular job is based on doing the job, not on how much irrelevant shit you happen to know. Trivia isnt that useful outside of a pub quiz, although for some reason thats what the job interview will focus on.

Power that isnt relevant isnt power at all.

Colin, I always knew youd be the one to crack it, said Peter. You found a way to power the spires.

Yes, I said. Im not sure where Im drawing the power from, but I seem to be able to keep the spires online.

Thats great. This is what Ive been waiting for all these years. He was talking like this was all part of the plan and we were in it together.

Im not sure why you think this helps you, I said. Im not going to share my ability with you.

I understand, said Peter. I do. But this isnt about choice, its about necessity. As much as you might not approve of how Ive gone about things, you have to understand that there are worse alternatives than joining forces with me.

I was already not liking where this was going. Mainly because it had the ring of truth about it. The one reason I would work with Peter, despite how I felt about him, was to prevent an even bigger arsehole from taking over. And theres always a bigger arsehole.

And who is it that you think is even worse than you? I asked.

Peter turned around and pressed a few buttons on the console behind him. He seemed to have a much better idea of what things did, his fingers tapping away like a touch typist.

The screen on the wall flickered and showed Gorgoth from above. The camera swung around to the ocean, and zoomed in on a fleet of ships. But they werent in the water, they had wings and were floating in the air.

You inspired the Council and the fairies to combine forces. Now they come.

I counted at least eight ships, each with giant fairy wings. Imitation is said to be the sincerest form of flattery, but I should have trademarked my design and charged them a licensing fee. Nothings more sincere than cash money.

I only had Peters word for who was coming in the ships, but it did seem a like a plausible pairing. One had the ships, the other had the wings. It might be a friendly visit, of course.

We were just passing and we thought wed drop in for a cup of tea and a slice of conquest.

As I was watching the screen, trying to decide how best to deal with this new development (Run? Having something to eat, then run?), a movement in the corner of my eye attracted me. I turned my head just in time to see Claire come at me with what looked like a spike.

Et tu, spikey?

It wasnt like I couldnt have defended myself, but before I had a chance to move, Jenny had stepped between us. She had a dagger in her hand and easily blocked Claire, then followed up with a punch that instantly floored Claire.

It was only a left-handed punch, but it was a thing of beauty. Form and grace, wrapped in a crunching thump.

I should point out that Jenny obviously had the dagger earlier and hadnt used it against me when I had my sword drawn. If you want a true example of equality, thats it. Not equal power, but unequal power that isnt used.

For equality to exist, you dont make the weaker person stronger, the stronger person has to give up their advantage voluntarily. Thats why you see it so little.

But why cant the weaker person go to the gym, get all buff, and demand equality? Well, because the stronger person owns the gym and wont let anyone else use it. The whole point of having power is to use it to control access to more power. That way you ensure you cant be beaten.

Jenny hadnt used her advantage against me because she didnt want anything between us to be due to an imbalance. It was good of her to not use her left hook when I upset her. Thats the sort of gracious behaviour that allows a couple to feel valued by their partner.

I walked to where Claire was lying and picked up her spike. Should have trademarked that, too.

There was no point in Claire stabbing me, not if she needed me to do stuff. If my death was really what she wanted, she could have tried for it before now. I didnt think it was me she had been aiming for.

You know, if Claire was really going to stab me, Im pretty sure shed do it from the front so I could see her face as she plunged the blade into my heart. Shes a frightful pain, but she has her standards. I think she was going for you, Peter. I looked back at Claire. Yeah, the angle she was coming in at, definitely you. I turned to Jenny. And you should have enough training more than me, for sure to have known that. Which means you were saving him, not me.

Jenny looked confused. She dropped the dagger and shook her head.

Its alright. Im sure its a hypnotic suggestion or something like that, you cant really be blamed.

If I may, said Peter, all unctuous smiles.

No you may not, fuck face, I said. Youre the least important person here.

But the ships He pointed at the screen.

I care about them even less. I turned back to Jenny. But, what this is, is a really good opportunity to put a lot of questions to rest. I dont doubt you love me, Jen, but the question is, if I stab Peter in the neck, what are you going to do? Put him first?

I If Im under a spell.

If youre under a spell or not, I have expectations. Unfair ones. But at least well know, right? I raised the spike and aimed it at Peter. There was a certain amount of apprehension on my part, but how often does an opportunity like this present itself? Certainty is a very rare and precious thing.

Ready? I, 2..

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