Merchant Crab

“I’m no specialist in goblins,” the wizard said, “but I don’t remember ever seeing one using a magical staff.”

Druma, with his wizard hat on his head and staff on his back, was still staring in awe at Tweedus with the widest of grins, like a giant crab who had just encountered a human-sized pie.

“Oh, uh, yes, this is Druma, my assistant,” Balthazar told the wizard. “He’s a big fan of wizardry stuff, if you couldn’t tell from his hat. The staff is just for poking now, though. He used up all the charges in it.”

“Hmmm, Druma, is it?” Tweedus said, looking down at the goblin while stroking his long white beard. “I’ve seen goblin shamans, but never a goblin wizard. Ya like magic, little guy?”

Druma gave a little jump, as if he wasn’t expecting the old man to notice his presence.

“Yes, yes!” the goblin exclaimed, while frantically nodding. “Druma like pretty sparkly magic stuff that makes bad guys go boom!”

Tweedus threw his head back and let out a booming laugh.

“I like your assistant, crab!” the wizard said to Balthazar, before turning his attention back to Druma. “That’s the right reason to get into magic. Forget all that scholarly hogwash. Making pretty lights and watching stuff blow up is where the real fun is at!”

The goblin kept nodding and tapping his feet in place as the wizard spoke, his excitement palpable.

“I don’t want to dash his hopes or anything,” Balthazar said to the wizard, “but is it really a good idea to be feeding his aspirations, considering he has no actual magical skills?”

Tweedus turned to the crab with an amused expression.

“And why should that stop him?” the man said, giving Balthazar a side look, his bushy eyebrows waving wildly. “Were you born with mercantile skills, crab? Did that stop ya?”

The crab opened his mouth to argue, but the irony of him talking back hit him. A few months before, he wouldn’t have been able to speak with anyone, let alone sell and buy things.

“Right. Point taken, old man.”

Druma was still awestruck behind the wizard, his hands clasped together as he observed the man’s every movement.

“Druma,” Balthazar called. “Stop gawking, it’s getting awkward. Go get a new saw already.”

Breaking away from his adoration, the goblin nodded to his boss and scampered away to the back of the trading post.

“And hey, by the way,” the merchant continued, turning to the wizard again, “I guess I should introduce you to the stone golem you see here, Bouldy.”

Tweedus turned his gaze to the giant boulder that had just finished carefully putting away the tree trunk he was carrying. The wizard’s reaction made it seem as if he had somehow not noticed the rock giant until that point.

“Gee whiz, that’s a big fella!”

“Yes, he’s quite something,” Balthazar said. “You should take some credit. You’re partially responsible for his creation.”

“Woah there, buddy,” Tweedus interjected. “I’ve been around a lot in my many years, but even I would remember if I’d ever met a giant rock lady. That one isn’t mine. I’ll hear no talk of child support for a walking stone.”

“What? No, that’s not… I’m talking about the golem core you paid me with!”

“The what now?” the wizard asked, one eyebrow raised. “I don’t remember any golem core. I gave you one? What in blazes for? Was this during that game of poker in that sewer tavern one night? I remember there was a wereboar fella at the table, and a centaur lady, too. The dealer was a talking skull. I can’t remember there being a talking crab, though.”

The old man seemed lost in thought, searching through a world of memories of his own.

“No! You paid me for the mana potions with the core,” the exasperated crab said. “You know, the ones we were just talking about, from that time with the fairies in the forest, or whatever?”

“Oooooooooh!” the wizard howled.

“Finally! Do you remember now?” Balthazar asked.

“Nope. Not in the slightest. But I’ll take your word for it.”

Fighting the urge to snap something with his pincers, Balthazar took a deep breath.

“Point is,” the very calm and collected crab continued, “I used the golem core to create Bouldy over here from one of the boulders around my pond.”

“Not bad. Not bad at all,” Tweedus said, stroking his beard as he walked around the golem and examined it. “Sturdy stone. I personally would have gone with some other material, but rock is a solid choice, too.”

The robed man stopped and gave the rock giant a couple of knocks on a leg with his knuckles.

“Friend?” Bouldy said, looking over his shoulder at the wizard behind his legs.

“Don’t worry, buddy, he’s not going to do anything bad to you. At least I hope not,” Balthazar said to the golem, before turning back to Tweedus. “By the way, wizard, is it normal for golems to only speak one word?”

“Normal?” the other said, looking up at the golem’s stony face with the same scrunched up expression as someone staring up at the sun. “No. I had never even heard of a speaking golem at all until this very moment. How the hell did you teach it to talk, even if just one word?”

“I… didn’t?” the puzzled crab responded. “He came out like that already.”

“Heh,” Tweedus said with a shrug. “Something new every day.”

Suddenly, an idea popped into Balthazar’s mind.

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“Is there not some way to upgrade or improve a golem after its creation?”

“Sure,” said the wizard. “Someone specialized in golemancy can give a golem upgrades, but not a lot of adventurers follow that kind of path. Too much work. Everyone wants flashy swords and big fireballs.”

“Oh…” the disappointed crab said.

“Then there are also temporary upgrades, through things like imbuing,” the other continued. “I wouldn’t recommend it, though. Lots of materials for just a temporary return. Complete rip off. It used to be pretty decent, but then they had to go and ruin it.”

Balthazar asked himself how he hadn’t thought of that yet. His imbuing skill had worked on his claws and shell, maybe it could work on other things as well. Maybe he was indeed a bit too self-centered.

The enchantress from before had made an off-handed remark about his imbuing being strange because it wasn’t temporary, but at the time, he thought little of it. Looking back, maybe for once his frustrating system was working in his favor. Everyone else seemed to act like imbuing was only meant to last a short time, but the ones he had done to himself didn’t seem to expire, for whatever reason.

“Hey, wait, what do you mean by ‘they’ there?” the crab suddenly asked.

But as he asked the question, the wizard had already gone off to some shelves, distracted by the wares he was browsing.

“Say, I got a meeting to get to soon,” Tweedus said, as Balthazar joined him by the shelves, “and I’m thinking I could use some potions.”

“Let me guess, you want MANA POTIONS?” the merchant yelled out, with a mocking smile.

“What? No, no. And why in the world are you yelling like that?”

Balthazar’s smile faded, and he wondered why did he even bother trying his claw at humor anymore.

“I was heading out to the shore when your girl almost crashed into me,” the man continued. “I’m going to meet a sea serpent there, and I’m thinking I might need some stamina potions. You know, just in case I need a little pick-me-up.”

“Why would you… On second thought, I’d better not even ask. Stamina potions, right this way. How many?”

“Ah, I think two should do it,” the other said, while following the crab to another shelf.

“Alright, here you go,” Balthazar said, as he placed two large bottles of green liquid on the table next to them.

“You’re going to want some gold for those, aren’t ya?” Tweedus said, as he pulled a purple bag from behind his back. “Don’t worry, I’m sure I got some in here this time.”

“Wait, what do you mean ‘this time’? I thought you didn’t remem—”

“AHA! There we go!” the wizard yelled out, as he pulled a much larger bag from the smaller purple one.

Balthazar’s eye stalks shot up as he saw the size of the bag. Not because the man had just produced a bigger bag from a smaller one, that kind of nonsense he had already started growing desensitized to, but because the bag was visibly full to the brim with coins.

The enticing clinking produced by it had the crab breathing heavy. There had to be several hundreds in it.

“Ya think this will cover it?” Tweedus asked. “I got no idea what the going rate is these days. I miss the days when we just used shirt buttons as currency.”

Once again, the old man clearly did not know the value of his payment, and Balthazar felt no urge to educate him, either. After all, the wizard was not paying him for a lesson in economics. That would cost him another bag. Maybe two, if the crab could swing it.

As his eyes greedily admired the huge bag of money, the gilded merchant noticed something else past it in the distance: his goblin assistant all the way at the back of the trading post. He had his staff in his hand, and was vigorously shaking it and pointing it at a pile of wood, in what looked like a desperate attempt at making it shoot something again.

Balthazar looked at the bag of money, and then at Druma again.

“Money is fine and all,” the crab said to the wizard, “but I was wondering if you wouldn’t be up for making another direct trade of items?”

“That so?” said Tweedus. “I’m pretty sure I don’t have any more golem cores in here, though. Maybe some Socks of Frost Protection, if you’re interested?”

“No, no, I had something else in mind. You’re a wizard and all, so would you happen to have some magical staff you’d be willing to part with?”

“Hmm,” the old man said, following the crab’s gaze to the goblin. “I think I see where ya going, crab.”

The wizard placed the purple bag down on the floor and shoved both hands inside, all the way to his shoulders. He rummaged through it, causing all sorts of clanking and clattering, sounds of glass shattering, and what Balthazar could swear was a cat hissing.

“Darn thing! I know you’re in here somewhere.”

Squatting down, the old man spread the bag open with his arms and shoved his head inside, wizard hat included.

The crab watched with horror at what looked like a bag about to swallow a man whole in the middle of his trading post. That would be terrible publicity for his business.

Suddenly, the wizard pulled himself out of the bag together with a burst of chicken feathers, for whatever reason that Balthazar had no wish to even question anymore.

“Found it!” he said, presenting the staff he had brought out.

It was made of some type of dark wood, smooth and carefully carved with tiny runic symbols. At the end of it, where the wood split into four tips, a long green crystal in a hexagonal diamond shape was lodged between, glowing with a shimmering light.

“I may not know what’s the value of gold coins these days,” Tweedus said, “but I know this here staff is one fine piece, and worth way more than two potions.”

“Oh,” the merchant said, disappointed that his hopes to still score part of the money bag had been dashed.

“But,” the wizard continued, “I think you want this staff for someone else, don’t ya?”

The wizard looked over his shoulder at the goblin still by the shore, practicing his staff thrusting.

“I think I can accept this deal, crab. Go on, call him over.”

Balthazar called his assistant over, who came running with large hops.

“Boss call Druma?”

“Yes, I did. The old wizard and I just finished doing a trade, and I think you should have what he’s offering. Go ahead.”

Druma turned to the old man, his eyes going wide and his mouth ajar as he saw what the other was holding out for him.

“This is a Staff of Arcane Bolts,” Tweedus said to the goblin. “Much better than your old one! This one actually recharges itself over time. Just be careful not to use it too much. It takes about a day to recharge completely. And here’s a little secret for ya: if you hold it with two hands like this, and shoot it really hard, you spend all the mana in it at once to make. One. Big. BOOOOOM!”

The old man laughed loudly as he handed the staff to the goblin, who seemed on the verge of tears.

A set of words appeared in front of Balthazar’s eyes.

[High-value item traded. Experience gained.]

[[Stamina Potion x2] traded for [Staff of Arcane Bolts]]

[You have reached level 13!]

The merchant quickly dismissed the notifications. The system could wait, he had no wish to let it ruin the nice moment.

“T-thank you,” the goblin said to the wizard, between happy sobbing.

“Don’t thank me. Your boss is the one who wanted you to have a new staff!”

Druma turned to Balthazar with watery eyes and a big smile on his green face. “Thanks, boss!”

“Oh, well, it’s, uh, it’s nothing. Was just doing business,” the awkward crab mumbled. “You’re lucky the old man happened to have a staff, and I was just really tired of seeing you moping around with that old useless stick. Now go on, get out of here, go play with your new staff. But don’t blow anything up!”

The goblin scampered away with his staff, hopping as he went.

“Well, this is all nice and dandy,” said Tweedus, “but I really need to get going, or I’ll be late. And you have no idea how prickly sea serpents are about punctuality!”

“Sure,” Balthazar said, gazing longingly at the money bag being put back in the smaller bag, together with the stamina potions. “Thanks for the business and, you know, all the other help… I guess.”

“Bah, don’t start getting sappy on me, crab!” the old mage said before bringing two fingers up to his mouth and whistling into them. “Just tell me which way is the ocean so I can get out of here.”

With a sudden whoosh, a blue cushion flew in from above and stopped next to Tweedus.

“Uh, that way, I think.” Th crab pointed west, over the plains. “I’ve never really been there myself.”

“Hah! Maybe you should,” the other said, as he sat down on the pillow with his legs crossed. “I bet my lady sea serpent would love to meet ya. But for now, I’m outta here, crab. Toodaloo!”

With another whistle, the cushion rose and the arcane wizard took flight to the west, his long beard flapping over his shoulder as he soared through the skies.

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