On Astral Tides: From Humble Freelancer To Astral Emperor

Four Hundred And Ninety-Nine

At my words, I heard faint noises again, the chains shivering. For a brief moment, the dead eyes of Tamamo-no-Mae, seeming almost like a weed-choked pond, seemed to glow like emeralds, but perhaps I imagined it. “A proposition.” I repeated. “Surely you don’t want to let it end like this? You have unfinished business, both for good and for ill, so…”

This time I was sure I wasn’t mistaken, as her eyelids fluttered again, and her green eyes seemed to gleam knowingly. I then felt a bad premonition, as if a weight was about to crash down on me, oppressive and stifling. With a sound of shattering glass, the mental world was sundered, breaking apart, and in my arms, the body of Tamamo-no-Mae stirred, a barest movement, but several of the severed chains that were still binding her lashed out like snakes, wrapping around my wrist and throat.

Not good… I could already feel myself being drawn back into her Sea of Thoughts, a new mental world, not one prompted by the Tiānyì or the Chaotic Winds, and in desperation I quickly forced the overlapping Silver Cords of Daiyu, my sis and Shiro to separate from my own. There was a momentary feeling of loss and isolation, their presence within me disappearing, and then I was suddenly overwhelmed by the still forceful mind of Tamamo-no-Mae, dragged into her pace, my grip on her tail now feeling like holding the tail of a tiger. Once you hold on, there’s no letting go until the end, not if you don’t want the tiger to kill you…

The mental space resolved into a facsimile of the inside of the Sessho-seki, Tamamo-no-Mae back in her chains, hanging in the centre, long hair brushing the floor, tails drooping listlessly. The difference is I was looking at her from a higher standpoint, and as I tried to move I realised I too was bound in chains, feet unable to touch the floor. Seeing me struggle, Tamamo-no-Mae’s eyes flickered open, and her jaw worked soundlessly for a while, until she managed to croak out some ponderous, weak words. “Arrogance… I… abhor… arrogance.”

“Really?” I knew everything was too easy. Easy, hah… we danced on the edge of death all through this, but because it worked out it seems trivial. But honestly, I feared and expected this final step… “It seems to be that you’re the Queen of arrogance.”

“I… had… rights to be.” She sneered, her pale face haughty and beautiful even now. “But I am… so… very tired. I just want it all… to end.”

“Why? The Saint of Swallowing Sorrows is dead.” I persisted. “And you survived.”

“Survival?” She rolled the word around her tongue, as if tasting it. I was aware we weren’t physically present, our minds and spirits merely overlapping, me swallowed by her immense will, but it did seem real. “And what do I have to… survive… for? I am broken, ruined… the world… has passed me by. Let me end, let… it end.”

I frowned in disappointment. It isn’t like I don’t understand, but… Seeing my expression, she grimaced, showing her fangs. “You do… not… get to lecture me, whelp who has… lived a …mere… handful of years. What… suffering have you… known? Losses… endured?”

“I’ve lost those that matter. Yes, I’ve avoided the worst, but even so… this isn’t a pissing contest about who has suffered most. Nor even about who deserves it.”

“Pissing… contest?” She paused. “You have strange… mannerisms, boy. And the language is… familiar, yet… not.” For a moment her green eyes held a spark of interest, before it was quickly extinguished, eyes darkening once more. “The world… has passed me… by.”

“Maybe so, but…” I tried again, and she snorted, radiating scorn.

“I am… tired, boy. So very tired. Besides, I have… my pride. Arrogance, you… say I possess? I call it… confidence.” She stole the line I was going to use earlier but never had the chance to, and on seeing the look on my face she snorted wryly. “You are an… honest one. Displeased, are you? I care… not. I felt… the cold Wind… the whispering… voices, telling me to give in… but I had already given in. Darkness, oblivion… it is all… I have left, I crave. And now… at least… the wretched monk does not… prosper from my… sorrows. Amitabha.” She muttered mockingly.

“I have confidence too.” I assured her. “Confidence that it isn’t time for you to give up! What foolishness would it be, here and now, just dying? When you lasted so long, did so much…”

“You think you know… what I did?” Her voice was firmer, as if she was becoming used to speaking again, even though they were merely transmitted thoughts. “Oh… yes, you … were there. I could feel you. Thoughts flickering…” She suddenly seemed surprised. “How… weak and useless… I have become. Me, the woman that… made empires rise and fall on whims… who charmed the mighty… who roamed the world… as I pleased… letting my name bind me. But… I have nine tails, boy… even broken, I doubt you can force… me to heel. You have not the strength. I do admit…” she conceded graciously, though that too reeked of her arrogant disregard for me. “…to have survived… shows you are not useless… but you rely on… others… too much. Only your own strength… matters. The strong are always the… lonely.” Hearing the melancholy in her voice, I disagreed.

“With only yourself to fight for, I can see why you would choose the end. The easy way out. Cowardly.” At my words her eyes narrowed, and I could feel a dark killing intent boiling, the fictional Sessho-seki around us seething with blue shadows. “If you only disappoint yourself, let down yourself… hurt yourself…. Well, then death is an option. That’s why I can never fail. Because I have those who push me forward, those I want to shield, those I want to stand alongside… and you do too. What of Su Caihong? Or Su Liena?”

At their names, her anger spiked. “Do not speak of them! You think you can trick… me? Oh… you saw… my sorrowful memories. I think… I remember. You wretch. They are dead, my efforts … all in vain. Even if not… I merely wished to pluck Liena, she was so beautiful and pure. And Caihong’er… she was simply my most recent… fling. You know I have many children, after all… I remember that little Kitsune from before… with you. What was her name again, I do forget?”

Liar. But your lies don’t escape my notice. “Nebisuki. She begged me to free you.” You still call her Caihong’er. And your eyes… they are full of a different sort of hatred now. Self-hatred. You regret it, I know… “But forget her for now. Don’t you want to live for them, see if you can reunite?”

“You… anger me.” Her League rocked me, tossing me in my chains like a boat adrift on a stormy sea, an apt metaphor as huge amounts of inky-blue darkness element were surging, buffeting me. I opened myself to it gently, drawing in what I could for some respite. “I have been severed from the… outside for… so long, but I know… too many years have passed. Even with the work of that old fool, and Sekka’s frozen blessings, they will have perished, alone, unmourned and unrevenged. To think otherwise…”

“You don’t know that.” I disagreed. “After all, the fact you survived proves miracles can happen.”

“Do not… question me. You know nothing! Everyone… knows nothing. Mortals, spirits, Yōkai, even the wretched Gods… nobody ever learns, or simply… repeats their same mistakes. Endless… day after day, after month, after year… after decade, after century… after millennia.” She was raging now, the truest emotion I had seen from her here, no lies in her. “Endless repetition of folly… nothing changes, nothing has value. Only one’s own self and what one can… grasp!” She looked at me then, bitter. “Even so, strength is no guarantee… of survival. Caihong’er… this noble me…” She addressed herself sarcastically. “Before us, many heroes and powerful beings… perished. These lands… where are the Kamuy that called them home now? Buried by time, and by our hands…” She glanced at her own hands, with their elegant long nails, suddenly pained and enamelled. “By mine. Time… the endless repeat of failures, nothing ever changing… it is so… boring. Even a mountain wears down under wind and rain, and rock shatters when cold. We that live… we are not mountains, but flesh and spirit. Best not to care, to do as we please, live like fleeting sparks, and burn out. And my spark… it ends.”

“Those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it.” I quoted, though I never knew who originally said it. At that, she looked up, and I smiled as comfortingly as I could. “I don’t forgive you for what you’ve done. Nor do you need my forgiveness. I saw some of your deeds, and history tells us of many more, though most think them myths. It’s been a long time, and things have changed.”

“I am … always told things change.” She dismissed that sarcastically. “But all change is simply more… of the same. And who are you to question me?” Her tails stood up, and foxfire flared to life overhead, though I didn’t miss the pained expression crossing her face. My Eye flashed orange, and I could see that even as a mental representation, her body was a mess, Chakras warped and melted, her capillaries, branches and meridians ruins, probably from long centuries of forcible extraction and Qi conversion by the Formations. Shit, I bet even just being conscious must hurt her. It’s just like Eri and Shiro… “And do not pity me! I neither deserve it nor want it…” She roared, convulsing. “In the end, the only change is the end. Where I no longer have to suffer…”

“Sorry, but I’ll do what I please.” Foxfire exploded, but it was weak, all sound and fury, and quickly swallowed by the roaring blue darkness around us, only a few faint burns on my imaginary form. “After all, you said it yourself, only strength matters, and I’m strong enough to feel sorry for you, judge you, if I so wish.”

“I told you… I despise arrogance.” she warned me, and I shrugged as best I could in the chains.

“And I told you, you aren’t the only one with confidence here. Look, things have changed. Not everything, we still fight stupid wars, the world is in more danger than ever, the good often go unrewarded and the bad sometimes go unpunished, but… I… we… have the chance to change it. Because we do remember, you remember.”

She mutely watched me, eyes glittering with emotions I couldn’t discern, so I continued. “Nebisuki wanted you freed, because otherwise the Kitsune will all perish. And I think… despite everything, despite all their blood you shed… your own brother’s…” I found that hard to understand. I’d never raise a hand to Aiko, even if she was taking the wrong path, I’d stop her without hurting her.  “…your own children…” Asha’s daughter isn’t even born yet, and already I can tell I’ll always love and cherish her. This fox… she’s alien to me, but… I can see the recognisable emotions within her too. She’s the mountain, tall, proud and so utterly lonely, whereas life is the wind and rain and snow, wearing her down, cracking the rocks, and seeping in and freezing, shattering her, leaving only a cold, hard core… that’s no way to live…

“I am the mountain, you say?” Tamamo-no-Mae said softly, and I realised we were sharing our thoughts. “And I regret Caihong’er, my own cruelty? You presume to know me? From your mind you have lived barely at all. Can the pebble know the heart of the mountain?”

“Yes. Easily.” I said with conviction. “After all, both are made of rock. Sure, there are many different types, and the stone doesn’t feel the mass of the mountain always bearing down on it… but a stone can glance up at the mountain and feel sympathy for the heavy weight it must endure.”

“Sophistry. Your words are pretty, but futile. Even if I wished to live, which I do not… I am broken, shattered. Perhaps letting my granddaughter kill me, as I slew so many, might be a suitable end… another repetition of the boring follies…” Her League surged, oppressing me, and the blue darkness pushed against me, starting to eat into my mental projection. I sped up my absorption, watching as the image of Tamamo-no-Mae wavered, her own spirit now too powerful for herself, hastening her collapse. “…if I kill you here, you shall release her tail. Then she can take vengeance…”

“She doesn’t want vengeance. She’s like you said, just followed in your footsteps, the way you’ve paved for the Kitsune, doing cruel and kind things on her own whims, but always lonely, fearful.” I resisted the pressure. “But she chose to reach out, to take a chance, to break the cycle. Because she’s seen through us that the world has a hope for change. As do you. You only need to… reach out.”

One chain holding me cracked, and I extended an arm, heedless of the pressure. Seeing that, Tamamo-no-Mae’s smile changed, her eyes frigid and malicious, sparkling like jade. “If you know history, you know not to trust me. I have led many men and women to their ruin, twisting them to my whims. I shall do the same to you…”

“No, you won’t.” I promised, steeling myself for the final certain death Uranai had likely foreseen. “And that’s because I’m not the mountain, alone, exposed to the wind and rain. I’m a tree, in a forest, so the wind and rain feels gentle.”

“Hah.” She spat a laugh. “You have a pretty tongue, boy, for sure. In better timers, I would certainly have been interested in a dalliance. Taking you from those you claim to love, proving my superiority… or perhaps… stealing those you love from you, breaking your heart…”

“Wow.” I aped my sister. “You’re into Netorare, huh? Well, considering how you wanted Liena, I’d say you’re into pretty much everything…”

“Speak words I can understand.” She frowned. “But you hold no fear…”

“If I or they can be broken apart so easily, it means our bonds were weak, our love was. And I know that’s not true. I believe in them, and I believe in me. Even if, like you, I carry my sins. I swore to love only one woman, then discovered I couldn’t do that…”

“Hah, who can?” She seemed almost sympathetic for a moment. “I suppose… this has been amusing, if nothing else. But I grow weary. My mind is fogged. I have… wished to cease for too long. I cannot change my course.”

“Give me a chance. I can probably fix you…” I said, and her eyes narrowed, her anger returning, the brief goodwill my confession of tangled love had garnered vanishing.

“Again, I have made it quite clear, I…”

“Coward.” I threw my own anger back. “You’re happy when you are doing as you please, ruining lives, taking what you wish, praising your strength… but when I come to dominate you, you cry and quit the game. Coward is all I can call you.” I repeated, harshly, and she blinked at me, amazed.

“You dare?” she said, stunned.

“I do.” I shrugged off her pressure and negative emotions, the darkness in her heart eating away at me. “You’re no longer the top dog around here… or top fox. I came to save you, we came, and we fought off a Saint, crappy as he was, the Heavenly Tribulation, the Tiānyì …. And if you resist, I’ll make you submit. You don’t get to take the coward’s way out. That’s not how Tamamo-no-Mae’s story should end! Mountains may get worn down by the wind and the rain, but… they can still grow despite that. Have you never heard of colliding tectonic plates?”

She cocked her head, not understanding, but moments later she laughed in a mixture of anger and delight. “This… this is new. I have been threatened by many, those seeking their deaths, those that hate me, my enemies… but no-one has ever threatened me to live.” Her green eyes gazed deeply into mine, and she licked her lips, and I could feel her Charm, even now. It was a pale shadow of Taṇhā’s, but still immeasurably alluring, and I could see why so many had been seduced by her over her long life. “In… that case, foolish boy… prove it. Here, prying into the flickers of what remains of me… endure what I endured, and then survive. If so… I will consider your plea…”

Without even waiting for my agreement, the darkness suddenly overwhelmed my throat and lunar Chakras, flooding into me, drowning my mind. I could hear her shrill, cold laughter, and gathered a single Split Thought, separating it. With a surge, I counterattacked, sending it into Tamamo-no-Mae, carrying abundant memories, and also a single mocking statement. You don’t get to consider, I know how that goes. I survive, and … you obey! As I’ve proved I’m the stronger one!

If you can… if you can… Her mocking thoughts returned to me, and I was washed away with the weight of her agony. For a moment I lost all sense of where I was within most of my Split Thoughts, and then…

“Amitabha. This will hurt. But then, the heavens are just.” The Saint of Swallowing Sorrows said to me with false kindness. “Consider it your opportunity to advance yourself, for otherwise… your next reincarnation is unlikely to be kind to you.”

Oh, this sort of thing again. I’m getting used to this. But I doubt it’s that simple, but there’s only one thing I need to remember…

“Commence. Drain her dry!” Harsh words rang out, and my thoughts shattered as sheer torture overwhelmed them. Brilliant light of aether shone along the Formations that the monk had crafted, the inner Sessho-seki lightning up. It was hauntingly beautiful, but I had little time to admire them. The pain was indescribable. Not physical, but an attack on a spiritual level. My Eye blazed, and I could see that the Formation was slowly starting to strip aether and elemental energies from me, not merely draining it, but literally slowly breaking down my Chakras and surrounding network for added gain and purity.

I… damn, how did Tamamo-no-Mae live so long through this?

“Amitabha. Have no worries that you will die…” My question was answered as the second layer of the Formations operated, and my body started recovering, at a rate just so slightly shy of the damage. “…that shall not happen, not until I have milked you for every drop of Qi I can. The path to Nascent Spirit, and even Sainthood, in this forsaken world is long, and requires much. But all I have is you.” His smile was cruel and cold. “And so I will treat you as a precious, treasured resource. Not for years, but for decades, centuries, as long as it takes, and as long as you last!”

Hearing that, terror welled up within me, but I ground my teeth together. It’s an illusion, merely experiencing Tamamo-no-Mae’s thoughts, But… Even with that, my mind, my spirit, they could easily shatter. Uranai said I was to die here, but things would change in just a few short weeks, giving me a better chance of survival, if so… if so…

 

***

“Just where is this?” Tamamo-no-Mae was surprised that two could play her game, as my Split Thought, almost entirely isolated from my other streams of consciousness, enveloped hers as she was weakened, using her will to subsume mine. I can still feel a twinge of pain though. If my other Thoughts crack, this one will be overwhelmed too. Hopefully I can hold on…

“It’s my home. And she’s… actually a Kamaitachi. Well, half a one, anyway.” I showed the legendary nine-tailed fox a scene from my recent past. Shaeula was playing an RPG, her party attacking a boss monster as she leisurely tapped away one-handed, her other hand around a can of beer. My sis had come over from her nearby home and was watching, and Hyacinth was busy bustling around in the kitchen, making snacks. “But she’s enjoying life. See that?” I pointed to the TV. “Back in your day, you had books, plays, musical performances, stuff like that, didn’t you?”

Tamamo-no-Mae slowly nodded, seeing surprised I was still lucid. It was hard, I could feel the pain rising, even so distant from this Split Thought, but I had to trust myself that I could handle it. “Yes. I played the geji and the geisha a number of times and listened to many more.” Her lips curved into a smile. “I can perform with many instruments and sing and dance wonderfully. I did enjoy listening to music, but…” She frowned. “These sounds are… strange. Not unpleasant…”

“Yeah. Games have to have music.” I agreed. “But entertainment has moved on. We have interactive games by the tens of thousands, here Shaeula is controlling a party of heroes to save the world. She makes their choices for them, they fight, win, gain experience and grow stronger, eventually, hopefully, beating the final boss. It’s fun. We have millions of books, plays and even fluid visual mediums…” In another room, Shiro was watching anime, and Tamamo-no-Mae seemed confused by how the pictures moved.

“It’s simple. Our eyes process in increments of time. As long as the images are changed a little between those increments, it seems to move.” I explained. “There’s so much anime made that you could watch for hundreds of years and never need to repeat. Though half the fun is rewatching one you love, finding new meaning and enjoyment in it. Then there’s films, live-action from all around the world… there’s never a reason to be bored. Though of course, interaction with others is needed too to have a happy life.”

“Intriguing. But futile. You think this will move me?” she scowled, tails thrashing, and I shook my head.

“Just setting the scene. Here…” We shifted, and I was in a bar with Shiro, Hayato-kun and the gang. “…alcohol has moved on too. And look outside…” We peered out of the cosy bar in Akihabara, and Tamamo-no-Mae blinked at the tides of people.

“Is there a festival?”

“Nope, just an ordinary day. The number of humans has expanded beyond what you could ever imagine. But is that what you should be concerned about?” I pointed out cars and other wonders. “There’s a very famous scientist, from my mom’s country. He first discovered gravity, though to be honest, there’s some speculation if gravity is even a force nowadays. But anyway, not important. What is important, is what he said once. And I want you to take it to heart, mighty nine-tailed fox. Because it disproves all your bitter boredom. And applies to you too.  He said If I have seen so far, it is only because I am standing on the shoulders of giants. You get it?”

She simply looked at me, and I sighed. “Playing hard to get, huh? Not what I’d expect from you. Or if you’re waiting for me to collapse under the torture you endured… sorry to disappoint, but I won’t. No, what I mean is… we do learn. It’s not perfect, but the world is full of new and exciting things. But I agree. Fun things are fun because we have those to share the fun with. Shall we go…? There are a few old friends to visit.”

***

“Shit. Fuck. Bastard. Bitch. Shit. Fuck. Bastard. Bitch…” I was chanting swearwords to myself in an endless litany. It was better than listening to the words of that smarmy fucking monk, which was another sort of torture. I had lost track of time, unsure whether I had been tortured drip by drip for hours, days or longer, but I maintained my sanity by focussing on one important matter. It’s Daiyu’s birthday tomorrow. I’m not going to miss it. She’s never really celebrated one, as she’s always taken Cultivation milestones as her treasured times. But I’m going to give her a first birthday to remember, to look back on for years. To that end… My Eye was blazing, and I was pouring memories of all the Formations around us into my Split Thoughts, storing them, trying to drive out the sea of pain that was flooding into me. It’s hard though, so very hard…

“Slowly, oh so slowly, see your vaunted strength fill me up, repay me for your treachery.”

Ignoring that, I continued to swear to myself, memorising every change in the runes. I had tried speaking, but since this was just a memory, I couldn’t influence anything, only suffer. Only suffer. The Tiānyì need to learn a thing or two from this, they’d do better…

With a mad, bubbling laugh and half-choked sob escaping my throat, I continued my mantra, as my fake body corroded away, and with it, my sanity, moment by moment…

***

“Tarōbō…” Tamamo-no-Mae muttered in surprise. “You bested him?” She had already seen the corpse of the Kamuy the Directions and I had defeated together, and the treachery that followed. Now she was watching as I became the leader of Mount Atago, handing it off to Haru. Speaking of Haru…

“I did.” I chewed on my lip, the pain building, like a fierce migraine combined with vicious toothache. “But that’s not important. Those of you who know the mistakes made, we can learn from you. Besides…” I gestured to Haru. “…she even died from a torture no woman should ever have to face, but she didn’t let death stop her. Sure, she’s still hurting, still struggles, but she didn’t give up. Is she stronger than you? Is this all you have, oh great Tamamo-no-Mae?”

“I am sure her fate was cruel, but would you rather suffer greatly for an instant, or a little less for an eternity?” she countered, ears flat against her skull.

“Obviously I’d rather neither, but yeah… you have a good point, but then… the mind is a powerful thing. Anything constant can become bearable in time. Not that I’d dare to dismiss your suffering.” My cheek twitched, muscles jumping as I endured. “It’s… not fun. Not at all. But you’re just being stubborn, defeatist! The monk is dead, the pain is over!”

“Is it? Foolish little man, you do not know my pain. But you will. Though I shall give you some small credit. You endure well… but those who have not suffered, who have not bloodied their hands…”

“Right. Bloody-handing it is then.” I sighed, and the scene jumped, to where I abandoned Yamato-san to Nurarihyon, and then destroyed his Anchor, ruining him. Tamamo-no-Mae seemed both surprised and somewhat wistful, seeing visions of the Hyakki Yagyō again, some old faces like Bintara and Uranai. She laughed at my misfortune as Seirei, the doll-like wife of Nurarihyon, bullied me, and her tails were showing her emotions, waving a little as they were.

“That was hardly a bloody deed. There was no choice…” Tamamo-no-Mae said at last.

“There’s always a choice. Just as you face it.” I disagreed. “Maybe my choice was to fight for him and die, but I couldn’t do it. Because in the end, I have people I treasure more than him. And I can’t put their happiness at risk for someone who led so many to their deaths. Aren’t you the same? Didn’t you risk yourself for Su Caihong and her daughter?”

“All in vain.” The motion of her tails stopped, they were now pointing down, drooping like her incredibly long hair.

“You don’t know that.” I disagreed. “It’s a long shot, but if they are dead, like I tried to tell you before this, then grieve. That’s better than nothing. And if they aren’t…”

“I have lived too long.” Tamamo-no-Mae said at last. “And while I regret nothing…”

“That’s a lie.” I pointed out, and then covered my hands hastily as I vomited a mass of silver and red, the pain gnawing away at me, even here. Seeing that, she narrowed her eyes, but amended her words.

“While I regret many, many things… I am Tamamo-no-Mae! I have always done as I pleased. If I have helped others, it is because I liked them, or merely at a whim, and it made me feel less bored. If I have hurt others, it was likely for fickle reasons. And now… I simply wish to sleep eternally, forget everything. If there is reincarnation, which I doubt…” She snorted, mocking the monk. “…I have done much good, but far, far more for ill. Yet I suspect no rebirth could torture me as much as the damnable monk did. You feel it, yes?”

“I do.” I agreed, now slowly bleeding from my orifices, mental representations of the pain, which even here was now like thousands of fiery ants eating away at my body. “But… I need you! We need you! So I’ll endure. Because I have a goal. That’s what you lacked…”

“You think you know?” My words made her happy, though it was pleasure born of meanspirited joy. “I had goals, at first. Revenge on that bastard Zixin. To save Caihong’er and pretty Liena. Other, transient wishes… but they are the first things to fail.” She snorted, patting me on the head, and I flinched from her touch, as it sparked pain. “If you beg me to let you go, I can. I am not that monk. I hardly hate you, little fool. After all… you helped me achieve one of my wishes washed away by time and torment. But then you shall slay me. Take what little remains of me as my gift to you.”

“Not happening.” I shook my head. “I’m a stubborn bastard when I want to be.”

“I thought the same. But my confidence turned out to be arrogance in the end. I begged. I pleaded. I offered my body, which was no great loss, for while I hated that man, one can still take joy in the act, even without love. I then offered my heart, for I broke. I truly believed if he set me free from pain, I would love him. I would crawl and lick his feet, be his dog, his servant, his everything. In the end I would have even let him take my name, as you have tried. Becoming his, body and soul. But all he needed was my suffering. So when I ran out of degrading offerings, I shut myself away. Let so much burn to ashes. I… I remember what I did, who I loved, who I hated. But the emotions themselves are so… distant. Disconnected. Perhaps Tamamo-no-Mae died. I am not she anymore. Merely a ghost with her memories…”

“Haru… had the same worries.” I spat, more blood glistening like silver rubies. “But when… her father saw her again, even though she had changed, and he knew her, treasured her… she knew that just because she was a ghost, didn’t mean she wasn’t herself. Your problem is… you have no one to anchor you, reaffirm you. Nebisuki could, a little… but perhaps you need Su Caihong or someone like her. We’ll go north, together, and… argh!”

I collapsed with a scream. Even through just the finest thread connecting me to the other Split Thoughts, the pain was truly unbearable. As she looked down on me with satisfaction, I drew on all my reserves of strength and forced myself to my feet, stopping halfway to puke more blood. “…you’ll see that you are still you.” I finished, and she actually clapped her hands softly, slightly impressed.

“A worthy performance. I apologise for calling you a weak boy. It takes someone strong to withstand such and keep your focus. I admire it. If these were happier times, I would definitely indulge. But… you are on the verge of collapse. Soon you will beg me to let you go. Or try and seduce me. Then comes offering your all to me. And in the end, you will shut down, burn yourself for a moment of respite. If it is constant, you can learn to endure it, you so boldly declared to me? Well…” She licked her lips, toying with me, more how I imagined the legendary Kitsune to be, though I could see under her amusement she too was suffering. “…how is it? Have the flames of endless suffering dropped low enough for you to willingly stay burning in their embrace?”

I spoke no answer, my only reply a gritting of my teeth, and a shifting of the scene, her bitter laughter following us…

***

I had stopped chanting my mantra, now merely staring blankly at the Formations. Without that to cling to, it was near impossible to think, like I was trapped at the heart of a volcano, breathing in poisonous gases and bathing in molten magma. Why… am I doing this again? Oh… yeah… to win over Tamamo-no-Mae. But… I’m dying. I can feel it. She has my respect, enduring this. It’s been… what? A month? A year? If there was something distinct to focus on… but here in the Sessho-seki there’s nothing to show the passage of time…

Closing my eyes, for a moment I nearly gave in, only to reconnect with my separated Thought a little. That flooded it with pain too, but it also jolted me back to what I was doing. Damn, Uranai wasn’t kidding, but… This was surely one of those problems where knowing failure was a near-certainly was a way to beat it. I can’t have grown that much stronger in just a month or so, so all I need to do is push on when I want to give up, do it a few times and… I’ll win.

Needing something else to focus on, I started simulating some Chirurgery in my head, shutting out everything external, less than successfully. My thoughts kept blurring and scattering, but I persevered. I’ll need this for if… no, when this is over…

 

***

“Still here, are we?” I was doubled over, barely able to move, but I raised one shaking hand and gave Tamamo-no-Mae a thumbs up, answering her question. She cocked her head, puzzled at the gesture.

“It’s… saying… everything’s okay.” I managed to wheeze.

“Is it? I hardly think so. Your stubbornness will kill you. My anger towards you has died off. I would let you go if I could. Unfortunately…” She actually did look sorry. “I am far from my best. I cannot recall my anger now, it has escaped my fragile grasp. Have no fear, I shall likely perish when you do, or mere moments after. My body was ravaged, cannibalised. Managing my last strength proved beyond me, it seems. I was prideful until the end. For what it is worth… you did try.”

“Trying doesn’t count for… shit.” I coughed. “I’m not here for the participation… prize.”

“So fierce.” The foxwoman smirked. “I agree. Many tried to defeat me, and only that wretched monk succeeded. But in the end, for what?” She looked around at my memory, of defeating Mary Stuart and her false Angels in London. “Yes, the world changes but it is still the same. The playground of those with power. Once I was one of those.”

“That’s why we never stop… striving. I may be far stronger than… I’ve ever been, but a boy with a slingshot can fell and… kill a legendary knight.” I grated out, matching the tone of the scene. “And I don’t… want to… be getting hit by that… stone. Which is why I… need… you.”

“Oh, I forgot how it felt to have my heart race. Much as I hated that Cultivator who trapped me, I also grew to crave his love, for if he loved me, he would not wish to hurt me. I despise myself, I do. Do you perhaps love me now, crave my compassion? I told you, it is too late…” She reached down a hand to me, and I pushed it away weakly.

“Don’t flatter… yourself. Don’t… get me wrong, you’re… certainly a legendary beauty… but… nobody I love… loses to you!” I changed the image to all of the girls, though the numbers tallied wrong. “No… I need you to… protect our future. In exchange… we’ll be… comrades. I’ll help you…find a place where you can be … yourself, and … never be bored again. In exchange… you protect them, and…. atone…” Only by concentrating on my goal could I keep sane. It wasn’t so much the pain… Who am I trying to fool? The pain is unbearable, but… it was the slow disintegration and regeneration, which was rapidly wearing me down.

“Atone? Why?” she asked, genuinely puzzled. “Those I have wronged, those I have hurt… from what you have shown me, I have been trapped for more than a thousand years. Perhaps some still live, such as Nebisuki, but… what good would it do them?”

“It does… you… good.” I surprised her. “If everything is boring, meaningless to you… give it… meaning!” Oh damn, it’s so hard to think now. No… it seems like time has passed, but it’s all in my… our mind. Tomorrow’s still… Daiyu’s birthday. And I’ll not… give her grief as a present… “Be a person who… does good. Save the Kitsune who remain, many of them… will be your… kin… your family. Protect the world… you once made mistakes in… and save all the… fun… that you’ve never… exper…”

I couldn’t finish, the world lurching, inky blue darkness drowning me, sucking me down. I could hear a faint, slightly disappointed voice, so faint and distant… “…rather a shame. He was right, here at the end, someone to talk to… it was hardly so bad. But none can bear what I have borne…”

***

Is this my limit? Was I too reckless? No… no it isn’t. This is where… I have to push through. Essentially just a thought trapped within a bubble of torment, I laughed at myself. If only this wasn’t a frozen moment, a slow exhalation of thought, then I could have something to cling onto. But…

… v… … … …

… e…

… u… … …

… p…

A slow, ponderous thought sawed through the darkness, something to cling to. Each sound, each syllable, seemed to take a second, and also a dozen years. But the voice I recognised. Eri. Of course…

I had shut out the others so they didn’t get trapped in this mess, but Eri’s link was different. Momentarily brightened by that, I could hold on again for a while longer, but soon, after an indeterminate time, I once more sank into despondency, my spirit ready to surrender. I went beyond my limits, so… shouldn’t I have succeeded? Or no… do I have to go further?

Eri’s soft thoughts were drowned out, no longer able to sustain me. Wryly, I imagined Uranai laughing at me, thinking I could cheat her prophecy. It was fitting, in a way… Wait, no, no it isn’t! For a moment I had almost given in, let the thought of failure send me slipping into the endless silence of death. Understanding just why Tamamo-no-Mae had given into her destructive impulses, I managed to apologise to her, in the distance. I had stopped showing her scenes, not able to spare the mental energy, but… One last one… maybe?

 

***

“I’m… sorry.” I croaked, and the fox looked down at me, surprised.

“I had thought you finished.” She was using her tails as a seat, and she patted one, gesturing for me to come. With bloody hands I crawled my way across the darkness which had the solidity of the ground, and slumped on her, golden fur tipped with red now stained silver and crimson as I dirtied it. I was surprised as a tail wrapped around me, and it was oddly… comforting. “Come to beg? Like I said, it is far too late…”

“No. Sorry. I shouldn’t have… told you… how to feel. This is… very unbearable. You must have been… truly strong…”

Surprised, she laughed. “I never thought that would be your last words. Yes, I was strong, unsurpassed even. But everyone can break. You draw your strength from others. If those others are no longer with you, are you merely a hollow shell?”

“No. No.” The scene blurred, and this memory I could barely hold together with what little mental strength I had left. Tamamo-no-Mae looked around, intrigued, at the faded, almost glass-like scene. “If all I do… is… take… strength… not… fair.” I had to start omitting words, as my willpower was bottoming out. “…right to… be strong… them… also… for myself.”

I don’t think I can do it. I haven’t… the strength. But… in a month… just maybe… she’d be…

“So what is this? You were right. It was not boring for once.” She glanced around at the bright lights and bustle of Las Vegas, the hordes of people, seemingly made of shadows and stained glass. “I have seen similar already…”

“Sorry.” I croaked again, collapsing most of my Split Thoughts into one desperate surge of will, holding the pain in another. Only… seconds… or what feels like it… “But… you could have done this… easy… way…”

With all my might I pulled on the invisible tail of Tamamo-no-Mae I held. It wasn’t the firm grasp I had like on Shinkume-no-Hana’s, even weakened and a shadow of her former majesty, Tamamo-no-Mae was proud, unyielding. But she was weaker perhaps even than I was now. It’s quite possible to die from pain, or at least break into an idiot. But I need to remember… I may be spent, but compared to what she’s endured…

Tamamo-no-Mae shimmered, the thought-form of her wavering. Her tails stood up and she cried out, but I was resolute, clamping all of my will down on her tail like it was my lifeline, which indeed it was. “I shall not… yield…” She declared. “Even Nurarihyon cannot…. bind… me…”

“That was… then. Sorry. I don’t want… to… enslave you… but I need you to… stop this!”

“I warned you, I cannot, I am too weak, too worn… no!” She widened her eyes, realising she was vulnerable.

“Just… try. All… I ask.” She shuddered, drool scattering from her mouth, convulsing as she struggled, a fox caught in a trap. It evaporated, and the image I had used to distract her faded to a cage of mirrors. Everywhere she looked she could see herself, and me. I can’t hold this… long. “You set… it… in… motion. Release me, and…”

“…and?” She gnawed on her lip, tearing it open. Her chest heaved as she tried to resist, but even as the pain she had experienced continued to flay my last defences, I could feel her withdrawing her darkness element, and cracks were spreading through her dreamscape, light seeping in, looking like sunlight creeping through dark clouds.

“...we’ll talk about it. After!” I pushed through a limit I would have surrendered to, if I wasn’t aware I just needed to go a little further, a little faster, not to die. Rejecting the pain but accepting the suffering Tamamo-no-Mae had endured, I pulled, and overlapped her with my Silver Connection, for the first time, being truly synchronised. Doing so was a different sort of pain. As her Sea of Thought, as Daiyu called it, collapsed, all her remembered pain gushed into me, my actual Astral body and mind, and the sudden torrent would have drowned me, washed me away, perhaps even killed me, but… It might have just been an illusion, but it felt real to me… so… I let it wash through me, and more to the point, took it. The burden on the Kitsune lessened, her consciousness rising from the dark corner she had hidden it in, a bitter, frightened being who had let everything burn down to embers just to preserve one quiet, solitary sense of self. As my eyes flickered open in the Boundary, I found myself still holding Tamamo-no-Mae, lying on the lap of Shaeula, who was grinning happily. Everyone else looked sour, but on seeing me open my eyes, they smiled, relief on their faces.

Shaeula reached down with one soft hand and stroked my hair gently. “So, you woke-woke up. I never did harbour any doubts you would, but-but…” Her smile was now blindingly radiant. “…I still-still believe you need to apologise for making them worry.”

Relief flooded me, and I glanced at the fox in my arms, as her eyelids began to flutter, and her tails slowly twitched. Is that it… did we… do the impossible? Exhausted, the brief time I had spent in her mental world seeming now a distant, yet awful eternity, I drew a long, shuddering breath, tasting ash and sulphur, as well as a rich, earthy smell. I never want to have to do this again…

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