Only Villains Do That

1.29 In Which the Dark Lord Gets Played

Theres my girl!

Junko came barreling out of the fortress pretty much as soon as we were close enough to see it; Id started to hear her distant barking around the same time Id spied the watchtower through a gap in the khora foliage above. Now I knelt in the broken old road, setting down my crossbow and attempting to scratch her ears the way she liked. Only occasionally succeeding, what with the way she was jumping all over me, yipping and whining.

Id never had a dog before; the experience of anyone or anything being this happy to see me was entirely new. Frankly, right now I really needed it.

Lord Seiji, Twigs greeted me, approaching from the gates at a much more sedate pace. We were beginning to worry. Is everything all right? She looked pointedly at the sizable bloodstain running down the front of my clothes from the obvious hole in my shirt.

Things did not go quite according to plan, but we handled it, I said, straightening up but continuing to scratch Junkos head as she pressed against my leg. Any issues here?

In fact, my lord, you have visitors again. Maugro, with another goblin whos not been here before. They arrived over an hour ago; Ive been up front on watch, but nobodys come to tell me they left again.

I closed my eyes, drew in a steadying breath and let it out slowly.

I was not in the mood for goblin shenanigans right now. Coming up on two full days without sleep, right off an almost day-long hike, with the confrontation with the bandits before that, and before that another brutal traversal through the worst Cat Alley had to offer. My mental equilibrium hung in rags, and this was when Maugro came back with what sounded like a new goblin representative with whom Id have to negotiate. Also, an hour ago? It was fully dark now; that wouldve been past dusk. These goblins were clearly trying to play head games with me.

That fact alone might have made me tell them to fuck off and come back when they were serious, if I didnt urgently need what they were selling. Goblin alchemy, and crossbows. My long term plans required these assets. With my only available source of mass recruits being a bunch of prostitutes, a disturbing number of whom were teenagers, I needed combat strategies that didnt depend on upper body strength.

Pink light burst around us as I cast a quick Heal on myself, causing Twigs to squint against the glare. The soreness in my legs dissipated, but the fatigue did not; Id known it wouldnt, but it was the only thing I could try aside from eight hours of sleep. The spell didnt seem to affect natural conditions like weariness, hunger, thirstanything youd normally remedy yourself. And I had theorized that it didnt replace severed limbs because it couldnt create matter, but that theory was shot to hell by todays discovery that it could replenish blood; Id been left with no signs of anemia after spewing what had tove been a liter from the hole in my gut. Whatever the rules of Heal were, they seemed arbitrary.

This new goblin, I said aloud, warily. I dont suppose its a girl? A pretty one?

I havent seen her, Twigs said solemnly. She was normally the most serious and quiet of the crew, but now her lips quivered as she clamped down on a smirk. Dont worry, Lord Seiji, Goose and Sakin are entertaining the guests. Donon is not being left alone with them.

Thank god for small favors, I muttered. Goose and Sakin, good choice; they were both smart and competent, and at least one was completely sane. The less good news was that this personnel choice was probably not a coincidence. I might have trouble if this Sneppit had identified the crack in my organization and started sending goblin floozies to bat their eyes at Donon. Based on how sharp Maugro seemed to think she was, I would not put anything past her.

What god are you talking about? Aster asked.

Never mind, its just an expression. I swiftly shuffled out of my Healer getup, handing the cloak, coat, and mask to Twigs, and then retrieved my new crossbow from where Id left it in the road. All right, Aster, looks like theres no rest for the wicked. Lets go deal with more goblin bullshit before I pass out for the night. Cmon, Junko.

Considering who I was dealing with, obscuring the connection between the Healer and Lord Seiji might have been a futile effort, but I was making a habit of being security-conscious on general principles. Anyway, right now that wouldnt be the first thing to get anyones attention. My nondescript shirt and trousers were made very descript by being soaked in stiffened deluge of dried blood that went from the hole just below my sternum all the way down the pants.

As a distraction, it served its purpose.

Had a little mishap with your new toy, Lord Seiji? Maugro asked as soon as I strode into the kitchen, glancing from the huge bloodstain to the crossbow in my right hand. I know a simple beginners trick to help with that: try pointing it at the other guy.

Nobodys paying you for your comedy stylings, Maugro. Not here, not anywhere.

Aw, cmon, you dont know that.

I am very confident. Ah, I see someone around here has finally picked up on my rules about hospitality. Thank you, Donon.

My pleasure, Lord Seiji!

Apparently theyd been waiting long enough to get properly settled in. Maugro had his usual cup of wine; the other guest had a cup of the fragrant, spicy tea the Fflyr liked because every fucking thing here was spicy for some godforsaken reason, and there was even soup and sliced bread laid out on the table at which the two goblins sat. To judge by the dishes, both had partaken, and Donon was still hovering to one side like a waiter. Good; aside from being a basic virtue that all civilized people should practice, hospitality was part of my campaign to get on the goblins collective good side.

Something told me I was gonna need every tick in the pro-Seiji column I could scrounge after tonights work.

The new arrival was, indeed, a woman. I supposed she was pretty enough; I could probably cast Enjoin on her. Since Id landed on Ephemera, that kind of thing was no longer one of the first data points I noticed about women, being shuffled below how likely and able is this person to kill me? In this case, probably more than most.

She wore a black leather trench coat and managed not to make it look like an affectation. Below it, her shirt was a deep crimson, mostly hidden beneath the coat and leather vest which if I was not mistaken was subtly armored. Her black trousers definitely had patches of leather armor sewed on over the thighs and shins; the boots looked heavy enough I wouldnt want to be kicked by them even with her short legs. Atop all that, the womans pixie cut hair would have looked incongruous, but something in the set of her eyes ensured I didnt even think about finding her amusing.

Well, glad to see ya anyway, Lord Seiji, Maugro said with his usual ebullient grin. Cant fault the way you treat guests, even when youre not here to do it in person! Sorry we caught you away onuh, business. He looked speculatively at the blood again.

I glanced quickly at Goose and Sakin, the latter of whom gave me a cheerful grin. He was positioned between the two doors that opened onto the kitchen; Aster now took up her normal post to the other side of the corridor which led to the mess hall. Goose was across the room, lounging against the wall close enough to Maugros customary pair of bodyguards that they were watching her closely.

Thank you for joining us, Lord Seiji, the new goblin said in a sardonic tone. Are you in the habit of keeping your business associates waiting for hours on end?

I swear, I felt something in the back of my head audibly snap.

Junko felt it too. The dog went on point, laying her ears back and growling low in her throat. As usual, Maugro and his bodyguards twitched and shifted backward from her in alarm, but not the new girl. She just turned an icy stare on Junko and reached one hand into her coat.

Yeah, this one was trouble.

Maugro, I said quietly, my eyes fixed on the new arrival, do introduce me to your friend.

He cleared his throat, expression rueful. Ahem. This is Gizmit, Lord Seiji. Shes from Miss Sneppits organization. Brought you that contract you were waiting on.

Now that youre

Shut up, I interrupted her. Maugro, how long does it take someone like Sneppit to draw up a contract?

Oh, half an hour, absolute tops, he said with a knowing grin. Sneppits famous for her contract work. Shes probably got templates just sitting around her office ready to have the proper nouns and exact numbers filled in, but even working from scratch she could throw together a document like that in her sleep.

Are you being paid to divulge that information, Maugro? Gizmit asked him coolly.

He turned his sharks grin on her, spreading his hands in a broad shrug. Maugro doesnt tell lies at any price, hon. Maugro does, if so contracted, actively preserve the privacy of his clients. Lord Seiji has paid for that service. Miss Sneppit has not.

So, I continued, still staring at her, not only has your boss kept me waiting for a week, when you finally deign to show up, the first thing out of your mouth is a jab at me for not being around when you popped in with no appointment and no warning at an hour when you could reasonably expect everyone here to be asleep?

Everyone else in the room was watching me with open wariness now. Gizmit did not seem intimidated in the slightest, either by me or by Junkos ongoing quiet growl.

Excuse me, she said evenly, I was not aware of any agreed upon terms dictating when you would receive Miss Sneppits reply.

I looked her up and down, slowly; she didnt react to that, either.

So, whatre you then? Sneppitsgardener? Taste tester? Astrologist?

The maid, said the obvious assassin.

Right. Clearly. Maugro, in your honest assessment, have I dealt fairly with you?

Absolutely, he said without hesitation. Youre straightforward, willing to work with me on unusual circumstances, and you give fair compensation for services rendered. Not to mention youre more hospitable and open to dealing with goblins than literally any other human Ive dealt with on this islandand my clientele roster is mostly humans. I feel comfortable staking my professional reputation on recommending you as a business partner. In fact, I specifically have in this instance.

There you go, I said, my eyes still on Gizmit. I am fully willing to meet your employer halfway and establish a mutually profitable business relationship. Once weve had time to build trust, Ill even be willing to overlook the odd foible, because that is what civilized people do for each other. But right out of the gate, your Sneppit seems to have the impression that she gets to jerk me around with impunity. I need you to impress upon her that on that point she is as wrong as she has ever been.

Gizmit stared up at me with the calm expression of someone who saw more threatening things on the weekly. I will relay that message, Lord Seiji. Are you no longer interested in doing business, then?

Christ, this one was even worse than Zui. Did Sneppit exclusively employ the most insufferable women she could find?

I held out my hand, not caring that the gesture was imperious or that I still had dried blood crusting under my nails. Let me see the contract.

Without comment, thankfully, she withdrew a folded sheaf of paper from inside her coat and handed it over.

The paper itself was goblin-sized, which wasnt terribly convenient, but not a hardship. At least it wasnt printed too small to be easily legible, as I had half expected. I was still exhausted, hence the fraying of my temper, but in a way that had worked out. Anger sharpened my consciousness enough for me to focus as I read through the document, slowly and with care, not interested in the slightest with how long I was keeping my audience waiting. It wasnt too bad; I could believe Sneppit was a master of contract negotiations, given how carefully she covered all her bases, but it seemed goblins preferred to conduct their formal business in plain speech, without bogging it down in legalese. Or maybe that was my Blessing of Wisdom, translating the intent as clearly as the words.

I couldve used a second pair of eyes on this, but Maugro was specifically a neutral party here who was not taking my side, and Id had no indication any of my followers were adept at this kind of thing. Even Sakin, mysterious as his talents were, didnt seem to have the attention span for this kind of focused, detailed examination. Biribos input would have been helpful, but my official policy was to continue concealing him while the goblins were around. I actually didnt know where he was at that moment; probably in his customary pocket in Asters coat.

Most of this is agreeable to me, I said finally after reading through it twice to be sure my sleep-deprived brain hadnt missed anything important. As an additional stipulation, my own business takes precedence and I may not be here whenever your companys representatives feel like showing up. Id like to establish a schedule of regular appointments, with the condition that extenuating circumstances will be respected and neither party will be held in breach of contract if either is unable to make a regular meeting for any reasonable cause.

Thats a common enough consideration, Gizmit agreed, nodding. I doubt Miss Sneppit will object.

Also, I would like it in writing that I have the prerogative to consult with your alchemist and receive recommendations in good faith for new wares to purchase with my slimes. Im not interested in being locked into a single package of goods on every exchange.

She tilted her head, considering that. Miss Sneppit will of course be the final arbiter of any such agreement, but I dont think shell find that unreasonable. So, if there are no other stipulations you wish to add, she can draw up a revised contract. If thats agreeable?

Sounds good. I re-folded the document and held it out to her.

Gizmit grasped the paper, but I tightened my grip.

And one other thing. Sneppit is done wasting my time. The revised document will be here tomorrow, no later than sunset, or the quantity of slimes you get per exchange drops by ten percent, permanently. And then a further ten percent for every time she fails to communicate promptly any further revisions. If I dont hear from you for any three consecutive days prior to the finalization of our agreement, I will take my business elsewhere.

The goblins red eyes, a shade darker than Maugros, met mine without flinching. Neither of us let go of the folded contract. Are you so certain you have access to another source of goblin alchemy, Lord Seiji?

Maugro? I asked, still holding her stare.

Sneppits company is your best bet, in terms of how much theyre able to offer, he said, thats why I set you up with em first. But yeah, therere any number of tunnel outfits whod love to have a deal with you, Lord Seiji. If youre willing to take a slight hit in quantity and quality, youve got no shortage of options. I can hook you up with another crew by tomorrow.

Gizmit broke eye contact with me to shoot him an openly annoyed look, the closest to a rise either of us had gotten out of her yet, then returned her gaze to mine. My employer will not enjoy hearing that, Lord Seiji. You might keep in mind that if you are not going to be in business with us, the only thing of value Miss Sneppit will have gained from this interaction is knowledge of your location. Maugro may be contracted to keep that information private, but as he pointed out, we have not.

And before you threaten me again, I said quietly, you should consider that your expectation that humans wont come into your tunnels is based on general familiarity with the Fflyr. I am not from around here. Understand?

We locked eyes, and the silence stretched out for long, tense seconds. Junko growled again, louder; Gizmit didnt even glance at her.

Lord Seiji, please dont stab the messenger, Aster finally said quietly. Shes just doing her job.

Gizmit, I do not recommend you antagonize this guy, Maugro added, and you can repeat that to Sneppit. If she and him end up not doing business, best to leave it at that. Remember theres more at stake here than just your company, or mine.

Very well, Gizmit said finally. I will communicate all of this to my boss. I expect she will probably be amenable to your terms, Lord Seiji.

I released my hold on the paper, and gave her a wintry smile as she retreated with it. Pleasure doing business.

All right! Maugro slapped both his thighs and hopped down from his chair as Gizmit silently withdrew to the tunnel mouth, where his bodyguards made room for her. That leaves the other matter you hired me for. I got your dossier on that adventuring party; it took the week cos I had to reach out to my contacts on the mainland. This groups from Fflyrdylle. He pulled another folder of papers out from inside his coat and offered it to me, his expression growing serious. First things first, I need to inform you that since you didnt request this information be kept private, Ive already shared it with multiple interested parties in the tunnels.

I felt my left eye begin to twitch involuntarily. That may have been why Maugro quickly backed up the second hed released the folder into my hands. Any particular reason for that?

Yeah: its goblin business, he said seriously. Specifically, this party is on Dount to answer the local Kings Guilds call for adventurers to investigate goblin activity and possibly enter our tunnels with suppressive intent.

I narrowed my eyes, not opening the folder yet. Odd. Why would they come all the way here for that? Why wouldnt local parties answer the call first?

For the second part, adventurers dont like taking goblin-related quests, he explained. Like you were just mentioning, they hate going underground. Its a big fat taboo in their religion, and even the less faithful Fflyr seem to think theyll fall through the bottom of the island if they crack the surface. So they gotta be heavily motivated to do so, and the Kings Guild saying hey, maybe somebody look into this is not enough incentive. Which is exactly what makes the first part so curious. The same is usually true of all Fflyr. We are real interested in learning why this group from the capital would be willing to take this onand not just willing, but interested enough to leave the big city for a backwater like Dount.

That didnt come up in your research?

He spread his arms in one of those expressive shrugs of his. What I found is all there in the dossier.

And I will definitely be studying it in detail when Im less dead on my feet, but would you mind running me through the high points?

Not at all. The foreign boy, Shinonome Yoshi, is a complete unknown. Something tells me youre more familiar with him than my people ever could be. Only thing of note is a suspicion that hes Blessed with Wisdom, which is rare. Hes followed around by a sparkly little Spirit critter nobody can identify; it could be a familiar. The elf is Highlady Flaethwyn of Clan Adellaird. Shes a fifth daughter, not important to the succession, so shes notoriously spoiled and allowed to run around doing whatever; thats about the only reason she gets to be an adventurer. Blessed with Might, and carries an artifact rapier thats a known treasure of her Clan. It grants its wielder mastery of rapier fighting, plus accelerated movement, precision, and general agility. A serious concern even in the hands of an inexperienced kid like that. Also, Clan Adellaird has a longstanding beef with Clan Aelthwyn, so its pretty brassy of her to show her face in their territory. Makes me even more curious whats so damn important to this crew about the local goblins.

That explains some of what I saw in Gwyllthean, I murmured. Go on?

Right. The other nobles Lady Pashilyn of Clan Fremond. Theyre a subordinate clan allied with the Adellairds; she and Flaethwyn have been friends since childhood. Pashilyn is also an ordained priestess in the Radiant Convocation as well as a member of the Kings Guild. Blessed with Magic; her spell arsenal is known to include Windburst, Soothe Wounds, Firecracker, Light Barrier, and Radiance. Seems she mostly follows Flaethwyn around, and has a reputation for being calmer and much more reasonable to deal with. Rumor is shes the elfs all-but-official handler, paid by Clan Adellaird to minimize the trouble they get into. Thats the best news, Im afraid; there was less information to be had about the two lowborn.

Thats not surprising.

Yeah, they tend not to make much of a splash. The other guy, Raffan Talimonder, is basically an unknown. Hes Blessed with Might and carries an artifact spear, but I wasnt able to dig up any word on what exactly it does. Run of the mill Kings Guild lowborn, lucky he managed to get Blessed at his age and mostly busy with fetch quests and other grunt work. He seems tove taken Yoshi under his wing when the kid showed up in Fflyrdylle, though how that led to this party forming I wasnt able to uncover. Usually, the two noblewomen would be way out of the league of guys like that. Then theres the girl, Saviadora Amell. Shes an alchemist, which is a weird choice for an adventuring party. Lots of adventurers have a preferred alchemist they go to for potions and stuff, but its not generally smart to bring somebody like that along to fight monsters. Girls not even Blessed. Though I did find out that the hair is the result of an experiment of hers that went wrong. Apparently it changes color every so often.

Hm. Nothing on why theyd decide to attack me in the middle of a public street?

Nothing on why these kids do anything, and that has become a legitimate concern, Lord Seiji. Maugros expression was fully serious now, quite unlike his usual amiable presentation. Their movements in general dont make sense, and theyre apparently on Dount specifically to cause trouble for goblins. So, look. I know you contracted me for info here, but youve obviously got some connection to them, or at least to the boy. Its not much of a stretch to figure hes from the same country as you. If you can offer any insight into what we can expect from this group and how to deal with them, I will both pay prime rates for that intel and make sure youre known as the source of it around the tunnels. Thatll help you out with any further dealings you have with goblins on Dount.

Damn it, I was too tired for this How to balance my interests here? Getting in good with the goblins was explicitly what I was trying to do, at least part of it, and here a golden opportunity had been handed to me on a plate. But on the other hand, I did not want to get Yoshi hurt or killed, or preferably any of his little harem either. Especially not when the whole deal involved making it known who had ratted them out. My longer-term plans involved staying on his good side as much as possible; the two of us together had a much better chance of standing up to the goddesses, provided I could manage to convince him of the necessity of doing that.

I thinkYoshi is the angle youll want to take, I said slowly. Hes a good kid. Naive, but good-hearted. Where he comes from, hell have been raised on stories about how goblins are all monsters, and Im sure the crowd hes fallen in with will have encouraged that, but theres no malice in the boy. What he thinks of as beginner dungeon-delving is actually breaking into peoples homes to murder them and steal their stuff, right? Basically banditry. If you can get him to see that, you can probably nip this whole thing in the bud. The rest of his party will listen to him.

Is he the Hero?

I jerked my head around, only realizing now that shed spoken that Gizmit was still there, lurking just inside the mouth of the tunnel.

Excuse me, the what?

Im trying to imagine why else youre so confident a party like that would listen to its least experienced member, she said, watching me with a bland expression. Its altogether an interesting situation, Lord Seiji. Here we have two mysterious young men who show up out of nowhere from a country nobodys ever heard of. One holes up in a fortress in the khora and begins gathering bandits to his side and reaching out to goblins. Another joins an adventuring party with an idiosyncratic composition, including two devout followers of Sanora who ordinarily wouldnt give him the time of day. Theres a familiar story taking shape there, for those of us whove read the lore.

Wellthatsan interesting theory, I fumbled, trying to make my tone wry. Maugro was watching this conversation with an alarming lack of expression.

Youre new at this, Lord Seiji, Gizmit said with a faint smile which made me desire to kick her, not that I was fool enough to try. Bold claims are easy enough to deny, if they arent specifically true. Plus, on the subject of people being Blessed with Wisdom, its quite fascinating that you can read Kazid.

Fffffuck. The contract. Only in hindsight did I realize that it wasnt printed in Fflyr scripta fact which any human would at least comment on even if they could read it for whatever reason, considering how unlikely it seemed to be that any human would be that familiar with goblin culture. This wasnt the first time the odd experience of understanding languages I had never actually learned had tripped me up. It was the first time someone had used that to deftly set a trap for me, though.

I found myself really hoping I had not made a very big mistake by getting involved with the mysterious Miss Sneppit and her crew.

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