Only Villains Do That

2.5 In Which the Dark Lord gets the Lay of the Land

Of course, it couldnt be that simple.

Time was dragging on and the hike back to North Watch wasnt insignificant, so after a relatively short exchange of words in which I figured out that my questions were going to take some time to get answered, I opted to put that aside and prepare to move out. Well, the main event had gone according to plan for once so I was inclined to accept the need to adjust my strategy to allow for the preparatory steps before I got down to extracting the intelligence I needed. This involved cleaning up the camp by removing all the food and money, and what weapons we could carry, as well as a few other sundries that might be useful. The bandits didnt have much but we took most of it, along with their remaining personnel.

What was left looked like what it was: a bandit camp that had been attacked, destroyed, and looted, with the bodies of the slain left where theyd fallen. We took the precaution of removing the bloodied ropes and I had left none of my hallmark slimes on the site, so whoever found this shouldnt be able to connect it back to me. The plan was for Clan Olumnach, which they learned of this, to assume it was Lady Grays handiwork.

Hopefully.

Then there was the matter of moving out, which was tricky. While Id done (if I say so myself) a good job of inspiring the new bandits into joining my righteous crusade against civilization in general, I had then killed a bunch of their friends right in front of them. Granted, that was mostly at their own exhortation, but the fact remained that Id just press-ganged a bunch of flight risks. While I was optimistic about my and Minifrits ability to integrate them with the rest of the group, for now we had to arrange our formation so that the new blood were surrounded by my more seasoned followers.

More seasoned followers carrying loaded crossbows.

And then there was the tricky matter of transporting that arrangement of people through the khora forest in the dark. We were no longer sneaking up on anybody, sure, but we were moving surreptitiously through territory ostensibly owned by various Clans and in practice patrolled by rival bandit gangs. This was still no time for me to be lighting up the night with Orbs of Light; that could be visible from well beyond the range of Biribos senses.

Supervising all this kept me fully occupied for the first leg of our return journey. In addition to keeping an eye on everyone (vicariously through Biribo, for the most part), I had to provide spot illumination via Light Beam to help navigate some tricky parts, plus the occasional bit of healing. Moving in the dark in this terrain was tricky enough when we werent managingnot quite prisoners, but lets say, new friends who required a close watch. There were numerous falls, mostly resulting in minor scrapes and bruises, though a couple of crossbow misfires occurred and one unfortunate girl did something truly nasty to her ankle. I dont know whether it was sprained or broken and didnt waste time diagnosing what I could instantly fix.

It was clear we were going to be moving at a snails pace and requiring my constant oversight until the sun came up or we got back to the old road (which was a broken and overgrown excuse for a road after a century of disuse but still better than the wild khora). As it happened, these occurred at around the same time. And so, finally, I was able to walk at the head of the column along with Auron and ask him some questions.

Oh, that wasnt when Lady Gray learned about our camps location, he said. I figure shes known for a while. Couldnt tell you why she never made a move on it, but I guess shes got her own reasons. Nobody else has made a move on it cos Highlord Caldimer keeps the Kingsguard and the Kings Guild paid off to leave it be, and with us bein on Olumnach land, nobody else has the authority to make a move unless they wanna start more shit than theyre ready for.

So your location was kind of anopen secret?

Maybe not the exact location, but cmon. Its a patch of khora forest not far from the waystation, and people get robbed around there. I assume most folks who matter had it figured out. Its not heart surgery.

I guess not, I acknowledged. What kept the other Clans from deploying their Clansguard? I understand Olumnachs hold on the bandits on Dount is another open secret. I gotta figure everybodys tired of his shit by now.

Fflyr Clans dont fight each other, Auron said, shrugging. As to why, youd have to ask em, I dont exactly get my ass invited to high tea. I dont understand noble politics, but I do know that whatevers going on between the Clans, they keep it to meddling in each others business interests and spreading scandals. No open war, and no assassinations. Nobles dont spill noble blood.

Hm. That was very much contrary to everything I knew about aristocracy as a concept. Aster, any insight?

Do I look like I get my ass invited to high tea? she demanded. Auldmaer might have some knowledge of that. Or Minifrit, for that matter.

Good idea, Ill ask around.

Whatever the reason, its a big deal, said Auron. Our only standing orders from Highlord Caldimer came down to that. We were ordered never to attack highborn under any circumstances, and handle em real careful-like if a few turned up in merchant caravans we raided. Orders are not to kill highborn for any reason, no excuses allowed, and try not to ruffle em any more than absolutely necessary if things went bad. And the boys were not to put their hands or anything else of theirs on highborn women. No exceptions. The Highlord made it clear that if those rules were ever broken during a bandit raid on our turf, the next thing thatd happen is the Olumnach Clansguard wiping us out like the filthy nest of rats we were. His exact words, he added with a little smirk.

Yeah, I figured. If those were the standing orders, I gather there would be specific ones?

Yeah, from time to time. Hed send Clansguard to deliver em. Not on any regular schedule, just whenever he was cooking something up. Orders to attack or not attack this or that caravan, or to avoid the road during a certain period. Occasionally hunt down a smaller target moving around our turf, or be on watch for something like that. It was always something different and we never understood it. Options for us were to do as we were told or get butchered. Guess which choice we picked.

I nodded, thinking. Yeah, it made sense that Auldmaer and I werent the first people to try this. You can manipulate the hell out of the markets if you can determine which shipments do or dont get where theyre heading. Never mind acquiring the shipments themselves; if youre one of the people moving capital around in significant amounts the opportunities are limitless.

Were you ever able to identify a pattern in these orders? Anything that would hint at his overall goals?

I, uh Sorry, Lord Seiji. Auron shook his head, giving me a nervous sidelong look. I didnt bother to reassure him; words only counted for much, and after his life experiences thus far it would take time to make him believe I didnt punish bad news. Not beyond the overall objective of make money. Im sure it wouldve all made a lot more sense if youve got a scraws-eye view of Clan politics and the trade networks, but

Yes, weve addressed the subject of your ass and high tea. Hm Im interested in developing a better general understanding of this HighlordCaldimer, was it?

Caldimer, he enunciated.

Thats what I said.

You saidCarudimeru? Im not sure where the extra syllables

Aster cleared her throat loudly. Lord Seiji does not have an accent, Auron. Id have appreciated the show of loyalty more if she wasnt smirking at me. Or if Biribo didnt laugh himself out of the air.

Ah, yes, of course. Thats my mistake, my lord, Im sorry. I dont hear so good anymore. Its rough living that does it.

I wasnt sure whether it was a good or bad thing how quickly he got over being afraid of me, though I was starting to get the impression that Auron, at least, was going to fit in just fine with the crew. That, too, could be good or bad, affecting both my operational efficiency and the already high and still rising amount of sass I had to endure. For now I opted to focus on practicalities.

Yes, well, anyway. Ill ask you for more details about him in a more comfortable setting, when I have the luxury of devoting my full concentration to the subject.

I never met the man, Lord Seiji, but Im happy to empty my skull for you, Auron assured me, nodding, and I repressed a grimace. Why were all the Fflyrs colloquialisms soicky? Just from secondhand knowledge I got a moren passing impression Caldimer Olumnachs a shitty piece of work even for a highborn. Be my pleasure to contribute any tidbit that ruins his day.

Thats something to look forward to, then. In the meantime, I need intel on other bandit gangs on Dount. Most importantly their locations, but anything else you can add will help.

Oh, that I can do. Yeah, its like how I said with our campI couldnt walk you right to their front door, but I know enough from talking with others in the trade where generally a few of the camps are. Close enough to track em down, if youve got a decent tracker.

I nodded, glancing at Biribo. Sakin was a decent tracker, but in this case a familiar was even more useful.

What about around here? I need to expand the territory under our controlwe need the income from raiding, and also the food from having space to hunt and forage. But your camp is the only one whose location I knew, and I chose to abandon rather than seize it because its hell and gone from our home base. Next priority is to annex territory closer to us.

Yeah, makes sense, he agreed, nodding. You dont wanna be trooping back and forth through other gangs turf, thats askin for an edgewind full of shit. Yeah, Lord Seiji, I can point you to a few camps, like I said. Lets see, were in the great western forest out here Depending on how far north we are and your base is, theres either one or two gangs between you and the waystation camp. Up norths a crew based in the ravine maze thats probably not too hard to take down. They rely on the terrain around em for defense, and dont even raid trade roads, just hit the outlying villages and farms. Way I hear it, theyre sneak thieves rathern proper bandits. Pushovers, once you root em out.

Good to know. But thats up north; what about more directly between here and the waystation territory?

That news is less good, he said, grimacing. Yeah, thats another group Ive got a general idea where theyre located, but those fuckers are bad news, Lord Seiji. Bad.

How so?

Its Auron paused, narrowing his eyes in thought. Well, actually, you laid out the exact problem, back at the camp. That was a good speech, by the way. But yeah, theres basically two kinds of bandits. You got the folks who had shitty luck or just couldnt fit in and got chased out of, uh, normal society. And then you got the fuckers who love being out of normal society. The ones that live to gut people and generally wreck their shit. Different gangs have a differentbalance, lets call it. My group was a pretty even blend cos we had high turnover; we were right on Olumnachs actual owned lands, so theyd send us new people directly when they found em. Theres gangs like the one I mentioned up north that actively try not to cause any more trouble than they gotta to survive. Hell, Ive heard of a group way out east that only hits highborn and tries to help out peasants when they can.

I nodded. Im familiar with that group. In fact, Ive already reached out to them. But Im getting the impression that youre leading up to a reveal that the nearest gang is the opposite of that.

Yeah, he said, grimacing. The reason is, thats Clan Yldyllich land, Lord Seiji. The Yldyllich Clansguard do not fuck around. They catch you doing shit on their turf, youre feeding the crawns. Clan Yldyllich makes a lot of its money operating a toll road where they guarantee safe passage and charge out the ass for it. Last time I heard of them actually catching bandits on their land, they force-marched em to the edge of their territory, where they were in view of the major trade road, doused the poor bastards in asauthec and lit em on fire.

Aster winced. Thats one way to make a statement.

Yeah, Id found that fire sent an emphatic message. Not that I wanted to dwell on it.

So, I said slowly, naturally, any bandits that operate in their territory are both highly skilled

And the most vicious sons of bitches ever to take up the trade, he finished, nodding. Yeah, that crew may not be the worst on the island, but trust me, theyre up there.

Not recruitment prospects, then, I murmured. Good. Thatll besimpler.

Auron eyed me sidelong. Hm. I was about to ask a stupid question, but Yeah, I guess the honest-to-goddess Dark Lord can wipe out a crew like that, huh? Alone, probably.

Doing it alone sounds like a needless risk, I said, allowing myself a faint smile, but yes. Im not really worried about my chances. If anything, its needing to hold back that makes thingstactically challenging. Solving problems by destroying everything in the vicinity isnt the most productive strategy under the majority of circumstances, but damn does it save time.

Ill bet, Auron agreed in a carefully neutral tone. Anyway, thats one of the few crews that might not even answer to Highlord Caldimer. Theres only a few gangs on the island he doesnt control, the ones thatre either too wild to handle, too weak to be worth it, or have an ideological issue like those do-gooders out east. I dunno for certain, but given the risks hed be taking by sending forces to bring em to heel in Clan Yldyllichs territory, I bet its a blank spot in his map.

Even better. Nobody will miss them. Taking their territory might not be immediately productive as it sounded like I wasnt ready to throw down with the Yldyllich Clansguard, either, but it would give us a relatively safe corridor to the valuable central territory wed just seized, which I needed to assert control over before Clan Olumnach or someone else moved in. This group would definitely be my next target.

Then to the south, Auron continued, in the area surrounding Gwyllthean, you got a bigger number of smaller gangs with a smaller territory each. Thats farming country, divvied up by dinky little Clans thatre direct vassals of Clan Aelthwyn. Yknow, the brown-haired ones whose fortress is a house with an unusually high garden wall, and whose Clansguard is five guys who take turns carrying the spear. Clans like that are pretty much helpless, and since Clan Aelthwyn doesnt seem to give a fuckyou get open banditry way closer to the city itself than there should be. Those gangsre the poor bastards Caldimers been using to push in on Lady Grays territory in the Gutters. Way I hear it, that womans an even bigger monster than that gang over there on Yldyllich land.

Yeah, Ive had the pleasure of her acquaintance, I said dryly.

I reckon youll find that more fertile ground, Lord Seiji. Lot of those boys and girls are that first type of bandit I mentioned, folks whore desperate and grabbing at the only job they can hold down because its that or starve. Especially with this turf war going onnobody wants to mix it up with that psycho bitch and her crews. Theres theholy shit!

Ah, I said, quite pleased at the reaction. Home sweet home.

We had just drawn close enough to see the towers and battlements of North Watch between the khora branches ahead, rearing up out of the forest itself with the mountains dramatically framed behind it. Most Ephemeral construction revealed the alien nature of its components in both their vivid colors and the more organic shapes the shell pieces encouraged, but the fortress was just a fortress. Stacked blocks, designed for stark utility; it looked like anything that might have been built in the medieval period on Earth, at least in its design. The akorthist bricks of which it was made also tended to overall look grayish and not unlike stone in dimmer light, thanks to their muted shades and the cloudy patina that akorthist apparently acquired when left outdoors for decades and not cleaned. Sometimes, though, like right now when the early morning sun glinted on it, you could see the moss-green, midnight blue and dark ivory shades of those bricks. Seen from a distance, under direct illumination, it almost looked made of candy.

Also, it was impressive because it was a fortress, and it was mine.

Were way up in No way, Auron breathed. Thats North Watch! Holy shit, I wouldnt have believed this heap was still standing!

Well, mostly, I said modestly. Youll be able to see better once were inside, but its, ah, still kind of a work in progress.

Uh His impressed expression transitioned to one of worry. Itsan actual fortress. Like, yeah, I can definitely see the advantage of that, but Lord Seiji, once the Clans find out youre running a massive bandit operation out of a real fortress, its gonna be war. I mean, actual, for real, armies-on-the-march war. Im honestly surprised you havent already stirred up the lizardfolk, they get pissy whenever any shenanigans happen too close to Viryan territory. Youhavent had trouble with the lizardfolk, have you?

Havent even seen em. Dont worry, Auron, I know exactly how much of a provocation this is. I have a plan.

He didnt look terribly reassured, so of course I didnt elaborate that my plan was actually several possible plans depending on how events unfolded from here, and several of them boiled down to Immolate everybody until they fuck off out of my business.

We should be just about in time for breakfasta good time to get you lot settled in. Well get a hot meal into you and then you can rest off the hike for a couple hours, since we pretty well ruined your cozy nights sleep. This afternoon you can join up for training.

Training? He turned a surprised look on me. No offense, Lord Seiji, but weve been doing this for a while. Everybody here knows which end of a crossbow to use.

One of the Alley cats snorted loudly, and two others laughed.

Auron, I said kindly, I have good news and bad news, and both are that youre not a bunch of bumbling fuckoffs rolling around in the forest anymore. We are here to get shit accomplished. Welcome to the Dark Crusade.

That incited cheers from those behind meincluding, to judge by the male voices joining in, from some of our new hires.

I, however, frowned. Biribo, do I really have to call it the Dark Crusade? Thats just soedgelord.

Boss, the nice thing about being Dark Lord is you can do whatever the fuck you feel like. But you gotta earn that privilege by demonstrating you have the power to do whatever the fuck you feel like and kick the shit out of whoever tells you not to. Its gonna take some time to build to that point. In the short term, its probably best to play along with peoples expectations.

Ooh, can we call it the Pink Crusade? Lionit chirped. We could get matching uniforms! I look great in pink.

Okay, note to self, I said aloud. Lionit is never to be in charge of decorating anything.

Aww.

How about Seijis Circus of Terror? Aster suggested, grinning.

How about the Bad Bitches? added Noraen.

Ugh, thats even worse than the first one, Mierit groaned.

As of right now, I stated, raising my voice, the Dark Lord is not accepting proposals to re-name the Dark Crusade!

Boo!

Thats not fair!

You used to be fun, Lord Seiji!

When did he use to be fun? Aster demanded.

This Auron had to stop, blink, and clear his throat. is not what I was expecting.

I sighed and patted him heavily on the shoulder. I feel you, man.

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