Redo of a Romanceless Author’s Life Devoid of Love; Another Chance at Youth

Chapter 79.

Chapter 79. Irene. (4/7)

“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. So what if it’s a little older and a bit run down? Who cares how random people you don’t know look at you? They know nothing about you, so why care what they think?”

“And if you have a friend who’s shallow enough to give a damn about the outward appearance of your home, then they’re just shallow pieces of shit you shouldn’t have ever befriended in the first place. You should cut all ties with such lousy friends immediately, they’re not worth your time and only want to use you for what you can provide them with.”

“It’s what’s inside the house that matters. I don’t mean the outward appearance of the inside. I mean how it feels when you’re inside it. If it feels welcoming and you can find comfort and solace inside your home, even if it’s modest, that’s really all that matters.”

Welcoming, comfort, and solace, is it? It was definitely a different standard from my own. Her values seemed quite different from my own. Still, Rosa’s gentle words seemed to reach Alicia.

Alicia opened her arms wide and gave Rosa a big bear hug while looking extremely happy. “You really are the best girlfriend I have!”

“Hahaha, I guess I scored pretty high just now. Did you fall for me?”

“Yeah, I totally fell for you.” She nodded her head up and down several times, completely serious.

It must be nice being pretty girls. If two macho men reproduced this exact scene, it’d just make my skin crawl.

I couldn’t help but envision it, and as I thought, a chill ran down my back while the hair on my body all stood on ends. I’ll need to push that image to the back of my mind and never draw upon it again. It was cursed. Truly, too cursed.

What if it was two slender handsome guys instead? I couldn’t help but think a certain group of people might actually be a fan of that… but, I was not such a person in that group of people. I similarly tossed that image to the back of my mind to never be thought of again.

After that little girl's love moment, with me being the third wheel, the three of us entered Alicia’s home. I couldn’t help but feel I was completely unnecessary in this scene and I was just here to be a witness to the blossoming romance between the two girls. You know, I was still Rosa’s boyfriend, but it felt less and less like that over time. Somehow, I felt I didn’t belong here. I was an unnecessary hindrance to the growth of their relationship and I should just leave these two alone. 

It might really be... best to not return here after work. I don’t belong as expected. Not in this home, not next to Rosa, not anywhere. I could come up with some sort of convincing excuse after work. Something came up out of the blue. As for Rosa being a hostage? Utter rubbish. As if a flimsy weak reason like that would be enough to force me to return here.

Being my second visit, I sat down on the couch in the living room without much thought. Rosa, on the other hand, looked about the place curiously. Similar to how I’d been introduced to her father, Alicia did the same for her. It went much smoother than when she awkwardly introduced me. Rosa, in return, paid her respect to her friend's father.

The two got along so well to the point it was unnatural. I simply sat there in silence while I watched them interact for hours. I remained like that for hours until it was time for me to leave for my shift. In the end, I wasn’t able to say a single word.

This was how things always ended up for me though. I could never keep things going. Relationships were tiring. My true nature was one that enjoyed peace and quiet. When there were two talkative people, I felt no need to join in the conversation to keep it going. I simply remained as the outsider and listened in quietly.

Those retorts I occasionally had in my head typically never left my mouth. I might ruin the mood between the two happily conversing together. If that was the case, it was better to remain silent in groups. This was how I always found myself in a world of isolation. I could deal with a single person, but the more that got involved, the more unnecessary I felt my presence, my tiny insignificant existence was. 

I couldn’t be around other people for a long time. In a sense, I was probably the embodiment of the very person who abandoned me. But there was nothing I could do about genetics. It was in my blood to live as a piece of shit, a worthless existence that contributed nothing to society. I was a pesky parasite, perhaps a disease. I didn’t want to be like that, so it was best to keep others away to not infect them. To not leach off of them.

Have I thought about trying to change myself? Of course, however, in the end, deep down… I don’t think I really want to change. The reason I don’t change is simple, I’m fine being the way I am. I’ve come to accept who I am as a person. I’ve come to accept I’ll always be this piece of shit. But honestly, I’m content with being a bottom feeder. I can live a happy enough life just by doing the things I enjoy the most.

I don’t need things like love to survive. Love is, and has always been, something dead to me.

I left Alicia’s place behind and made my way to work as such dark thoughts swirled about inside my head.

With the same neutral face, I completed my shift as usual with Yuna. When I left the store after work, it was snowing. I plugged my earbuds into my phone while I walked. I wanted to listen to some music as I made my way to my home through the thick snow that had piled up and hadn’t been cleared away.

The snow had already reached halfway up my knees. Truly, it was a shitty day. I would not return to Alicia’s.

I’d simply use the snow as an excuse for being unable to make it. Busses were very delayed due to heavy snow and I couldn’t catch one headed their way no matter how long I waited, I’d simply make that sort of claim. It should be good enough.

Today was coincidentally the longest night of the year. The winter solstice. It was almost Christmas, but I couldn’t help but feel it was more natural for me to be alone.

Rosa and I… we should really break up.

I’ve resolved her troubles. She’d be fine. Alicia, who she adored, would be there by her side from now on. On Christmas as well.

Haaaah. Christmas was the time of the year where these sorts of thoughts always came over me. It wasn’t a time for joy, or a time of love and cheer for someone like me. It was just another day that didn’t particularly mean anything to a person without family or friends.

The light in my eyes dimmed even more than they usually were. I remembered my words from on the roof and couldn’t help but feel how true it was.

I’d like to disappear like a melting snowflake and evaporate. To remove myself from the world and become no more than a transparent ghost that nobody can see. To become something invisible to all those cold distant eyes from the past engraved deep into my body and soul.

While I walked through the snow and the snowflakes piled up on my shoulders, I vacantly searched on my phone for a song that fit my current mood best. While I scrolled through my recommendation feed, the snowflakes which landed on the screen melted and returned to their liquid state before they eventually trickled down to the edge and dripped to the ground.

They were reminiscent of cold translucent tears. Like the world was crying or taking pity on me as I trudged through the thick snow. I don’t need your pity world. Nobody’s pity at that.

The liquid that remained on the screen made it difficult to scroll and eventually a video was selected at random.

I was about to press the back button, but I heard the opening soundtrack and suddenly felt like it fit quite well.

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