Second Try Idol

“If I had another chance to live…”

In-ear monitors had been part of me for so long that I could instantly recognize the voice shouting in anger as my own. It hit me then that this was all a dream.

“I wouldn’t live the same way again.”

Where I was and who I was yelling at didn’t really matter. My attention was locked on another version of myself, one still marked by burn scars.

Seeing my past self appear like this usually meant one thing—that I was having a terrible nightmare. Even knowing it was just a dream, I felt trapped and was unable to move. It was like the dream wanted me to just watch in silence.

“It’s so unfair. Why me? What did I do to deserve this?”

I wondered who the sobbing, broken version of me was pleading with. My curiosity was tingling, but the dream-like fog dampened the urgency to know.

Then, everything shifted. My past self’s face was buried in my hands, and I suddenly looked up into the void before speaking again. “Alright. I will make the deal.”

A gust of wind swirled around and pulled me down into an endless abyss. In this void, a formless entity with a large, laughing mouth emerged.

It sneered at me.

***

“Agh!” I jerked awake. Su-Hwan and Joo-Han were standing by my bed. They stared for a moment before cracking up.

“What was that? Were you falling in your dream?”

“...Ugh, I was falling nonstop. Am I going to grow taller or what?” [1]

“Grow even taller?” Joo-Han laughed as he and Su-Hwan headed for the door.

“We are here to wake you. Get up, wash your face, and join us.”

“Alright.”

“You’ve got time before we start today. Come eat something.”

“Sure.”

Once they left, I got out of bed. My heart was still pounding.

“Man, that was one bizarre nightmare.” I muttered while gazing into the mirror. I frowned, and my reflection looked haggard, as if I’d spent the night crying. I touched my face as the memories from the night before slowly came back.

‘I can’t remember anything past a certain point.’

Where had my consciousness cut off? After having a drink and feeling a slight buzz from playing the Game of Truth for a while, Joo-Han added about half a glass more. As the alcohol slowly took effect, I received a question I didn't want to answer and ended up downing the rest of my glass.

I think I wanted to deflect the question without really addressing it in such a setting, but I didn't remember anything after that.

“Tsk.”

Had I passed out or just blacked out? If I had blurted out something embarrassing, it would have been a nightmare. I always thought I could handle about three and a half glasses of soju, but maybe the recent stress had lowered my tolerance.

From the nonchalant looks on Su-Hwan and Joo-Han’s faces earlier, perhaps I hadn’t made a fool of myself. But still, I wasn’t sure.

Goh Yoo-Joon popped his head through the door while towel-drying his hair. “Hey, are you coming? Joo-Han hyung is asking for you.”

“Goh Yoo-Joon.” I quickly pulled him in and shut the door.

“What’s up? I’m starving, and Su-Hwan hyung brought stew.”

“How did I end up asleep last night?”

“You?” Goh Yoo-Joon paused and shrugged. “You just crashed on the couch. Lucky for you, I moved you because Joo-Han hyung asked me to. Ugh, I don’t wanna be your roommate anymore.”

According to him, I hadn’t blacked out. I’d just drifted off without realizing it.

“Did I…” I wondered if asking about talking in my sleep would make me look suspicious, so I remained silent while contemplating.

During this pause, Goh Yoo-Joon stared intently at me and asked, “What do you remember?”

“...I remember everything.”

As I responded, Goh Yoo-Joon laughed sarcastically and pointed at me. “Look at your face. You obviously don’t remember a thing. Wow, how could you blackout from just that little bit of alcohol? Never drink with anyone other than us, dude.”

“Did I say anything? I’m pretty sure I didn’t, but just out of curiosity. Not like I have anything to say."

“...If you have nothing to say, why do you look so anxious?"

“..."

Goh Yoo-Joon wasn’t joking anymore. Instead, he looked at me with a serious, almost interrogating gaze.

‘Is this a joke? Maybe it's just a joke. Isn’t this usually when he would joke around?’

At that moment, my mind felt chillingly empty, but I managed to keep my composure and retorted with a laugh. “Not at all. I didn't drink that much, so why worry?"

Goh Yoo-Joon snorted and nodded. “True, you didn’t say much. But you only spoke off-topic stuff, so Joo-Han scolded you."

“Ah, but why are you so serious? It's annoying."

Seeing that he wasn’t laughing excessively, it seemed this wasn't a joke after all. That was fine then. If I hadn’t said much, there was nothing to be concerned about while drinking with the members. Maybe I should check with Jin-Sung or Yoon-Chan later just to be sure.

“Come out and eat. They said we should have a hangover cure. I mean, I only had two drinks, what cure do I need, hahahaha!" Goh Yoo-Joon chuckled, tossed his used wet towel over my shoulder and disappeared.

***

Later, I seized the opportunity to ask Jin-Sung and Yoon-Chan about what had happened. According to them, it didn’t seem like there had been any issues during the time period I couldn’t remember.

“When you were supposed to pick someone, you kept repeating, ‘I just wanted to be with you guys.’"

“Did I?"

“Yeah, and when Joo-Han hyung got frustrated because we were already together, you just kept saying, ‘I want to be with you too.’"

It seemed like a harmless mistake, but… The moment those words spilled from Jin-Sung's mouth, I felt a surge of cold sweat. Fortunately, it seemed no one else grasped the true meaning behind my words.

“After that, the Game of Truth kind of fizzled out. Joo-Han hyung told Yoon-Chan hyung and me to go to bed. The older members stayed up talking about adult stuff. That's when I went to bed, and I don't know anything that happened after that."

To sum it up, I babbled some nonsense about wanting to be together after I blacked out, got reprimanded by Joo-Han, and then Yoon-Chan and Jin-Sung went to bed. There wasn’t much else that happened until I crawled onto the couch to sleep.

From what the members said, there seemed to be no need for concern. That was, of course, assuming the members were honest with me.

After he finished his explanation, Jin-Sung hummed thoughtfully and added, “Hyung, I will listen to you more from now on."

“What?"

Although it was reassuring to hear him say he’d listen more, his sudden pledge caught me off guard. I asked him again what he meant by that, but Jin-Sung appeared satisfied with his declaration, merely smacked his lips, nodded, and gave my shoulder a couple of taps before disappearing.

...Hmm, was everything truly alright?

To be honest, the intense scrutiny in Goh Yoo-Joon’s earlier gaze was still troubling. But since he insisted it was nothing, what more could I do? Even if the alcohol had loosened my tongue, the idea that I had spoken truths about coming back from the dead would be dismissed by nearly everyone as just drunken babble.

“They would consider it as the booze talking," I reassured myself.

I hurriedly laced up my shoes. “I will see you later.”

It was time to head to work. Two bunny-like younger members and the fox-like Joo-Han, as well as the very benevolent Goh Yoo-Joon peeked out from the living room and looked at me. “Come home with lots of money~."

I casually waved off Goh Yoo-Joon’s remark and made brief eye contact with the members, noticing something particularly earnest in Yoon-Chan's gaze. “Yoon-Chan, what is it? Got something to say?"

“No, not really... Have a good day." Yoon-Chan shook his head. His face brimmed with unspoken words, but he managed a light smile.

I nodded and left with Su-Hwan for the Newbie Crew filming site. As we drove toward the location, I broke the silence. “Yoon-Chan has a shoot today, right?"

“Yoon-Chan will be leaving with Tae-Seong in a bit. There’s still some time before his schedule."

“Ah." I pondered whether Yoon-Chan had patched things up with Joo-Han. Considering everyone’s mood during breakfast, things seemed to have gone well between the two.

“...Oh, right. Didn’t we talk about being more casual to each other yesterday, hyung?”

“I said I don’t really mind. Feel free to speak comfortably, Hyun-Woo.”

“Nah, you should drop the formalities first for me to feel comfortable. Everyone knows I speak informally with Joo-Han hyung privately, why can't you do the same with us—"

Pop!

I stopped talking when I heard the messenger notification. It was from Yoon-Chan.

- Hyun-Woo hyung, good luck today. I will do my best at the shoot too. I have practice early in the morning. Could you help me?

- It's okay if you are tired!

- I will practice hard so I can deliver a flawless performance in the future. I realized yesterday how much you value performances. Thanks for being patient.

- I will really work hard.

- Have a great day!

“..."

- Let's practice together

I quickly replied before asking Su-Hwan, “Was there really nothing unusual with me yesterday, hyung?"

“Not really."

“Really? Because I just got this message." I showed Su-Hwan the message from Yoon-Chan. “Earlier, Jin-Sung suddenly said he’d be more attentive, was there really nothing?"

The members' attitudes seemed very suspicious. Jin-Sung reflecting on himself? Yoon-Chan's message filled with passion? And thinking about it, Goh Yoo-Joon’s pranks and Joo-Han's nagging were much less intense than usual today.

Since I was probing with a suspicious tone, Su-Hwan scrunched his face and sighed deeply.

“There was something."

I didn't respond since I didn’t want to interrupt him.

Su-Hwan glanced at me through the rearview mirror and said, “You cried a lot and talked quite a bit while crying. But to me, it just sounded like mumbling."

“...Really?" No wonder I looked like a mess this morning.

“Yes, I will also try to be a better manager from now on. We got this," Su-Hwan said matter-of-factly before looking away.

1. Koreans say that if you dream of falling from a tall building or the sky, you will grow taller. ☜

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