Thank You For Being Trash

Chapter 88: What Sincerity (4)

My thoughts overflowed. Thoughts that had been tucked away in the recesses of my consciousness now ran rampant, clawing, trampling, and shattering.

As emotions suffocated me, I extracted the hidden truths, unable to bear their weight. Yet, overwhelmed by their magnitude, I hastily pushed them back, seeking solace in illusions. The lines between reality and fantasy blurred, entangled and merged, leaving me unable to discern what was true.

Despair took root in my fractured heart, while my shattered reason lay paralyzed, and all that remained was a ceaseless stream of tears.

‘I’ll just live the life I was given. Why did I dream of becoming a human?'

Regret always accompanied my thoughts, lingering as I confronted the dreadful conclusions.

Each time I reached the bitter end, I retraced my steps back to the beginning, contemplating my mistakes. I had lived a life marred by wrong choices, treading paths I shouldn't have taken, and taking everyone's life easy…

There was nothing I could do but blame myself as I lamented over the wreckage I had caused.

Amidst the enduring agony, a glimmer of hope flickered in my memory—a note that held a promise. With fervent anticipation, I clung to that small ray of warmth.

Come pick me up. Make me live like a human… save me.

It was an honest feeling on the edge of a precipice.

I was drained of all strength, feeling as though I had been consumed by a fleeting inferno. This torment was the consequence of denying my own genuine emotions, paving the way for such a hellish experience.

Swallowed whole by the chilling atmosphere and engulfed in darkness, I found myself yearning for an end, clinging to the hope of death in the end.

Save me. Let me live by death.

A white beam of light shone in the dark and cold space. In the blurry vision, dazzled by the beam of light, I could see the knights’ uniforms.

My heart thumped with anticipation.

H-he came to get me…

My heart was full of joy. I forgot my situation and looked forward to the pure white light that covered my eyes. Even though I already knew that my end had reached ruin, I had such vain expectations.

‘Please come out.’

In that instant, when an unfamiliar voice reached my ears, all hope came crashing down. My life was relentlessly consumed by the consequences of my own misfortune.

What I could have once grasped slipped through my fingers, reduced to a handful of ashes. Despite my repeated attempts to hold onto it, I couldn't prevent its escape. I had merely extinguished my true feelings.

It seemed that pleasure was all that filled my body.

I couldn’t expect anymore, what expectations, what happiness, what lo…ve.

‘Struggling with pleasure for a long time, my eyes closed. People don't change easily. I thought so.'

Fading light, fading hope… and all that was left was hatred for him.

And fear.

That was how my heart died.

* * *

At times, her sanity slipped away, and she found herself screaming and weeping uncontrollably. The overwhelming emotions surge within her, consuming her fragile existence. It was a relationship that seemed to be endlessly devoured by misfortune, a relationship she despises.

The pleasure I longed for.

Because that pleasure wasn’t beautiful, it didn’t help me live.

It made me sad that I lost my mind. Even though I lost everything, even though my heart was wounded and in disarray, none of it provided any relief, and I couldn't bear it any longer.

‘Is it bad to live selfishly?’

Was it bad to be born wrong?

Only questions that couldn’t be spit out.

That's when I should have died with him. I should have killed him.

Only regrets about the unchangeable past.

Only endless questions ate away at my thoughts, and even though I did not want to live like this, I took the road to ruin. A road that leads to his ruin… may my life also be consumed by his ruin.

‘I'm declaring war on Michaelo Temple.'

Red blood dripped onto the floor as the smell of blood filled the room.

The scent was fragrant.

It's a scent that suits us so well.

The pungent odor of blood seemed to harmonize with both him and me as if it were a scent that truly belonged to us. Just like me, who was intertwined with death, he too seemed out of place in the realm of the living.

He reached out his hand towards her, smearing me with crimson stains of blood.

It was as if his sole focus was on me, willing to do anything for my sake. Even though she didn't reach out to take his hand, he didn't withdraw his bloodied hand either. The ground around us was stained with pools of blood, and lifeless bodies lay scattered nearby.

Despite the chaos and the lives he had ended, he appeared unnervingly composed. Could there be anything worse than this?

…I provoked him.

‘I didn’t deliberately rebel.’

‘I love you. But, don't ask for more than this.'

I was envious of him, seeing him parting his heart with precision as if measured with a ruler. I questioned whether the life he led now brought him happiness. It was akin to a love affair that had been decisively terminated. I wondered if he cut off dread and fear.

I was envious.

Then, my current life could have been happy.

I'm sure he’s not human.

Blame, shout, resent.

The body of the empty shell breathed and laughed to suit his taste and lived a life of pleasure. Live a day getting out of breath. If I lived like this, would there come one day I could love someone who looked like him? Or, would the day come when I would be saved by someone else?

Like the note that was left behind… would someone come pick me up?

‘Rebellion has happened. Run away, Your Majesty!'

And then, the end I wanted.

I thought of him in a funny way at the end, where everything was destroyed. A new beginning at the end of ruin, I wanted that beginning to be my happiness.

Eris.

Eris… I desperately wanted him to be the one who would come out to greet me. I longed for him, to pull me up once again at the end of my life's despair.

‘Arne.’

Why… was he… there…

Why?

My heart, which had been filled with joy, was frustrated.

‘I missed you.’

…I couldn’t love Eris while he was alive. The unfiltered heart spat out words of resentment.

‘At first, I felt stunned rather than happy.’

The one who rescued me from the edge of the abyss had to be Eris.

Rewan had to be dead.

‘He, with shy eyes, acted as if no tragedy had happened to me.’

She held her breath at the sight of him.

It was the result of the hell she made on him. Because I was a broken person, she knew he was broken somewhere, so he could pretend to look like nothing was wrong, like me. Still, wouldn't death be better than that?

Therefore…

‘Will he come back alive? I felt afraid.'

I hope he dies. Die for me, Rewan.

Please die… so that my breath is no longer choked by a false heart.

I wished he had died.

A terribly cruel, terribly selfish heart… that was her sincerity towards him.

‘A rough hand with calluses was placed on top of mine.’

If you ignore that and run towards him right now, you know he's in trouble.

A small spoonful of pity kept me from doing it.

I wished that there was something of Rewan in the scent of blood that overflowed and irritated my nose, and I prayed and prayed again.

* * *

Rewan lived.

…In that rebellion, he lived.

‘Thank you… for… loving me. I am happy and thankful for that love.’

‘By the way, I'm sorry I couldn't accept it.'

I love you so much.

Confessing false feelings, my heart beat in pain.

Why was he alive?

I spoke words that are half-sincere and half-false.

‘Will you kill me?'

‘I don't hold grudges.'

It had been such a breathtaking day that I didn’t know how I held up. I thought I would be punished for deceiving others. Like that, like that… If I just held on like that, what kind of life was it? I just wanted to die. I thought I wanted to end everything now.

Then, I met Distria, who was about to die. Ironically, she was afraid of death when she saw him on the verge of death.

Why.

It was because it was the death of someone like me.

His death reminded me of my death.

It was funny. It was kind of dull.

‘It’s so easy for you to make fun of other people’s lives. That's why you can easily kill anyone.'

Derhan’s words sounded like they were talking to me. I was the one who fitted best with Distria… because she wanted his destruction and easily thought about the lives of others.

I was afraid.

The violence Derhan inflicted on Distria felt like hitting me. I felt hurt together.

‘Don't go. Don't go. Arne. Don't go.'

Arne, you can't be happy… so come to my side.

I knew… but I didn’t want to die.

* * *

I met Rewan.

‘If it's hard for you to see me, I'll leave.'

He said he would leave first.

‘Don't leave me.'

Leave me so I can be happy.

His profession of love left me unmoved. When would his broken facade be unveiled? The anticipation of that moment sent my heart pounding with trepidation.

And she, a fool, only mistakes it for love again. Blinded by false hope, she believed Rewan's words about leaving on his own accord. It was a decision I was making for myself, though I couldn’t understand why.

Perhaps it was my selfishness, my inherent nature to prioritize my own desires. I justified it by convincing myself that it was to avoid encountering Rewan, the consequence of my sin.

I yearn for him to leave me soon, for liberation from this burden of guilt and sympathy. Rather than dwell on such thoughts, rather than succumb to ruin, she craved present happiness as she longed to taste the sweetness of happiness.

She thought that with Eris, she would be happy. Look into the abyss, settle those emotions, and so… she thought she could live.

The golden eyes faced the pouring rain.

‘Today must be a little noisy.’

A light start. The results were disastrous.

And Eris died… The man I loved died.

I regretted drinking that day. I regretted that it rained that day. I hated my heart for imagining that we could be happy, and I made decisions that may have disastrous consequences. I regretted running away.

I should have just lived with Rewan… then he might not have died.

I regretted, regretted, regretted bitterly.

‘Lock everything in the abyss. I can't blame him for putting everything to rest.'

She was just like him.

That said, she didn't have the courage to take it out and face it now that Eris wasn't around because there was no one to hold her.

‘I will live for you from now on. I will live thinking of you.’

And so, I lied again.

* * *

‘That's why I loved you. I told you so.’

I regretted not being able to whisper my love to him, even with a false heart.

My heart beat like this, and my heart ached so much, it was because I loved him. I regret my love for not saying anything or doing anything.

The hearts that couldn't come out went back to the abyss.

The day it rained when he died… her sincerity also died.

* * *

Sending Acacia, she thought of death.

Needlessly, she wanted to tell Rewan the whole truth, spat out all the wrongdoings, and end her regret-filled life. This was the last outburst of her abyss, but she couldn't die because Rewan didn't kill me.

He went over easily. He didn’t get angry.

The end of a false start… what kind of ruin was the end?

[ Did you love someone other than me? When will you love me? ]

I love Eris, and only him for the rest of my life… so I want you to kill me.

Her sincerity, her abyss, that even she didn’t know… and the truths that would be ignored in the end.

Sometimes, I did meaningless things that I didn’t know why.

I wish for death.

__

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