The Principle of a Philosopher by Eternal Fool “Asley”

Chapter, The Twin Black Emperors’ Secret Meeting

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“To prevent misunderstandings, I must ask bluntly… Are you suggesting we hold a Devil King Cup?”

“For the ladies who wish to confess their love to our beloved Devil King, it’s the perfect event.”

“I can’t fathom your thoughts. What exactly are you planning?”

“Don’t overthink it. The objective is straightforward, and the reason for it is even simpler…”

“What reason?”

“Lina and the others have been holding back their feelings for far too long.”

“And because His Majesty remains oblivious to their affections, you propose this Devil King Cup?”

“Yes. A battle to vent their frustrations, to compete with worthy rivals — all for the grand prize.”

“With our coffers nearly empty, it’s difficult to offer gold or treasures from the Holy Demon Kingdom.”

“True, but if we’re going to do this, shouldn’t we make it lavish?”

“The prize WILL be lavish, at least to them… something of immense personal value.”

“A personal treasure? Ah, you mean a date with His Majesty.”

“Exactly. However, we cannot allow anyone to actually win it.”

“Agreed. No one must become his singular favorite.”

“We need to devise a clever strategy.”

“A bold move is necessary. They mustn’t catch on.”

“A dream prize that remains out of reach. Striking that balance is crucial.”

“Deceive without lying, keep it hidden… Well, I suppose it’s nothing different from the usual.”

“They say a wise hawk hides its talons, but our hand is already known.”

“I sure envy the hawk right now. So, where do we start with balancing this?”

“I propose starting with the Princess.”

“Miss Haruhana… if it’s to be a combat competition, she might indeed be necessary.”

“If this works, it will set the stage for rigging the cooking contest…”

“Will she be excluded?”

“No, of course not. It’s the Devil King Cup… where anything goes for the sake of victory.”

“I see your point. Very well, it’s our domain then.”

“Of course, we’ll need accidents and incidents to prevent any true victories… that’s the challenging part.”

“Insurance, you mean? Don’t worry, it’s all calculated.”

“Calculated… do you mean you’ve already devised a plan?”

“I did say we need a bold move, didn’t I? Well, isn’t that simple enough… Junior Minister?”

“You don’t say… So one of us will…?”

“You DO get it. Splendid! You truly live up to your title of Black Emperor!”

************************************************

Final Volume Commemoration

Extra Short Story 2 – Great Disturbance

Right after the plotting for the second volume of the ‘Principles of a Philosopher’ was completed…

“Hah! Hup! Boing! Master, the bed springs are fantastic today!”

Pochi greeted Asley in her usual energetic manner, bouncing on the king-sized bed reserved for the Devil King.

“Ah…”

Asley’s response was devoid of energy, his voice weak and lifeless as he shuffled towards the bed.

Pochi stopped mid-bounce, tilting her head in confusion.

“What’s the matter, Master? You seem really down.”

“…Yeah…”

Asley’s reply was reluctant, barely managing to muster the strength to speak.

“You haven’t pushed yourself too hard today, have you? Why don’t you drink that Pochibitan-D on the table?” Pochi suggested, glancing towards the small table beside the bed.

On the table sat a small bottle of Pochibitan-D.

Asley slowly turned his head towards it, reaching out with a trembling hand.

The next moment, he collapsed, dragging the table down with him and shattering the bottle with a sharp, piercing sound.

Pochi’s eyes widened in shock.

She stood up on the bed, feeling a cold, unpleasant shiver run down her spine.

“Master!?”

Pochi rushed to Asley’s side, but there was no response.

The sight of Asley’s pale face struck Pochi with terror. All she could do was shout,

“Master! Master!? Did you paint yourself or something? Your face is blue! Master!? Oh no! This is bad! Someone, help! HELLLLLLPPPPPP!!!”

Pochi’s desperate cries echoed through the Holy Demon Castle.

Soon, Lylia arrived, followed by Leon, Bright, and Warren.

Asley’s head lay on Pochi’s belly. His face had turned ghostly pale, and his teeth chattered uncontrollably. The severity of the situation etched worry onto everyone’s faces.

“How is he, Warren?”

“…It’s a cold brought on by exhaustion,” Warren diagnosed.

Upon hearing the words, Pochi froze… Then, she erupted in panic.

“OH NO! This is terrible! Despite his immortality, a cold COULD kill him! What should we do, Warren!? My Master will be okay, right!? Right!? RIGHT!?”

Warren did not respond immediately.

Instead, he exchanged glances with Bright and Leon, who then left the room.

Lylia stayed behind and asked,

“Is it serious?”

“No, that was just a simple gag order,” Warren replied. “Regardless of the nature of His Majesty’s illness, we cannot let this information leak outside the castle. Miss Lylia, stay here with His Majesty. I’ll fetch an ice pack.”

As Warren moved to leave, Pochi’s voice stopped him.

“Wait, Warren! My Master will be okay, right!? Right!? Right…?”

Pochi’s voice, filled with worry, gradually lost its strength. Warren, maintaining his composure, said what he had to.

“There are no guarantees with illness… But we will do everything we can. That said, there IS an issue…”

“And what would that be…?”

◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆

“Pochi! I know it’s a lot to ask for, but please move so I can get Asley’s head off your stomach!”

“Why do I have to give up this spot, Warren!? Don’t tell me… you want to use my Master as a pillow?”

“I assure you, I have no such inclinations! Though I HAVE used Asley’s arm as a pillow before!”

“That’s news to me! When did this happen, Master!?”

“Asley needs rest, Pochi! If you want him to recover quickly, you need to move now!”

“No!”

“I need to place this ice pack under his head!”

“Can’t you just place it anywhere!? Just leave it on his stomach or something!”

“That will only add a stomachache to his condition! No, it must go under his head!”

“This is my spot!”

“Think about it! This is a nice, cold ice pillow!”

“I won’t let some ice take my place!”

“Damn it, you stubborn blockhead!”

“I don’t even know what those words mean!”

Lylia, watching the two with her hand on her forehead, let out a long sigh.

“Warren, do your job… please?”

Lylia’s words made Warren freeze. He turned to her, then adjusted his glasses, realizing his own impatience.

He acknowledged Pochi’s attachment to his place — and after communicating as such with a subtle change of his expression, he groaned.

“All right, Pochi, I understand.”

“You do?”

“Yes… We’ll place the ice pack on his forehead. Lylia, we must ensure no information leaks. I trust you with selecting the caregivers.”

“Understood.”

Lylia nodded and quietly left the room.

“Pochi, please take care of His Majesty.”

“Of course!”

Warren allowed himself a small smile before leaving the room.

“Master… please get well soon.”

◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆

The next day…

“U-uh… Pochi? Don’t you think that is a bit much?”

Lina had come to check on Asley.

Before her stood a massive stack of blankets, piled high to her eye level, all placed by Pochi.

“What do you think? This way, Master will sweat a lot! And he looks really uncomfortable too!”

“So… heavy…”

Asley groaned under the weight, and Pochi beamed with pride.

“See? He’s moved by my dedication! YES!”

“I don’t think that’s what he’s saying… Hahaha…”

Lina responded with a dry laugh, but Pochi’s enthusiasm was relentless. Pochi had returned to being Asley’s pillow, putting her all into everything. Lina alone could not rein in Pochi’s fervor.

That was exactly why Lylia, the one in charge, had decided multiple caretakers were necessary for Asley.

“Three.”

Tifa appeared, holding up three fingers.

Pochi tilted her head at the voice coming from beyond her blanket fortress.

“Three?”

“According to the latest medical research in Beilanea, stacking three blankets is ideal for a cold. So this is too many, Pochi.”

“WHAT!?”

“And with the antipyretic working, piling on too many blankets is counterproductive. Hydration is crucial. Also, we need to keep it quiet around here, Lina.”

With a glance from Tifa, Lina adjusted the number of blankets from twelve to three, sighing in relief as she did.

Tifa acknowledged the gesture with a peace sign, replacing the earlier three fingers.

“I brought some rice porridge~”

Haruhana entered quietly, carrying a tray with rice porridge and grated apple.

The scent of pickled plums and shiso leaves tickled Pochi’s nose.

“Ahh–!? Pochi! You are drooling on Sir Asley!”

“Oh! I’m so sorry! How careless of me!”

“Well, to be fair… you’re almost always careless, Pochi…”

Asley managed a weak, raspy comment.

“Master!!”

Pochi’s eyes sparkled with joy as she saw Asley respond.

“Sir Asley, you’re awake… Thank goodness.”

“Good, good.”

“Lina, if you could scoot over…”

“Yes, of course.”

Haruhana set the tray in front of Asley, sitting beside Lina.

Tifa stood behind Lina, looking worriedly at Asley.

Pochi darted between watching the porridge and Asley.

“Thank you, Haruhana.”

“Eat it while it’s hot.”

Asley thanked Haruka and began eating the porridge slowly. Despite his lacking appetite, the three caretakers saw signs of recovery and exchanged pleased glances.

Suddenly, voices came from the hallway, beyond the door behind the three.

“No, Miss Irene, you mustn’t!”

“Let me through! This is all too suspicious! What are you hiding!? Asley!? Asley, are you in there!? I’m coming in!”

The door to the Demon King’s chamber burst open.

Asley, spoon in mouth, greeted Irene and Fuyu as they let themselves in.

Fuyu sighed, while Irene quickly assessed Asley’s condition.

“What, you caught a cold? That’s it?”

“Hahaha… As ashamed as I am to admit, yes.” 

Outside, Warren rubbed his forehead in frustration.

“I made the mistake of sending Miss Lylia off for a lunch break, thinking Lina and the others could handle everything…”

“No one’s going to blab,” Irene said, turning to Warren.

“Good grief, our nation’s understaffing is dire…”

“We could transfer Egd here.”

“No, please keep him right where he currently is, thank you.”

As Warren firmly rejected Irene’s suggestion, Asley chuckled.

“Haha, poor guy…”

“Egd is indispensable to the War Demon Empire. Ever since Sir Charlie’s departure, he’s the only one capable of leading the Guardian Warriors.”

“That’s true… Hahaha.”

“Anyway, I’m relieved to see you’re in better shape than I feared,” Warren said, visibly relaxing as Asley nodded slightly in appreciation.

“Sorry for the concern. With this rice porridge and some rest, I’ll be back on my feet soon.”

Asley glanced over at Haruka, causing the latter to blush. Seeing this, Lina and Tifa puffed out their cheeks in mild jealousy.

Fuyu, not wanting to be left out, hurried to Asley’s bedside, her expression clearly showing her feelings even to Warren and Irene.

“Speaking of which, Sir Charlie went along with Sir Argent, didn’t he?” Fuyu said to Asley.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah. That’s what I heard from Betty, at least.”

“Miss Betty?”

“Apparently, Sir Argent sent a letter to Betty’s mother, Miss Belia — saying he and Charlie are aiming to ‘master the sword’.”

With that, Asley took another spoonful of porridge.

“That’s quite intriguing,” Warren said, sitting down beside Fuyu.

“Well, those two are probably doing fine,” Irene added, pulling up a chair next to Warren.

As Lylia returned from lunch and observed the scene from the doorway, yet another visitor arrived.

“Well, well, what’s this? Are we having another Demon King Cup today? Hahaha!”

It was Bruce, carrying a basket brimming with colorful fruits.

“What, you’re here too?” Asley said, slightly embarrassed.

“And what’s wrong with that?” Bruce replied, rubbing his nose. “I’m here on behalf of Silver Corporation. And this is from Lala.”

“Oh, thanks. Just put it there.”

Bruce placed the basket on a nearby table.

“By the way, I was on patrol in the Northern Alliance recently.”

“Patrolling another territory? That’s odd.”

“Hahaha… Yeah, I guess, but it’s fine. Sir Barun gave his approval.”

“Sure… so, what did you find?”

“Old man Dallas was there. Seems like he’s finally settling down. Hahaha!”

Hearing this, Warren’s expression grew serious.

“Sir Dallas, settling down…?”

“It’s been hectic, hasn’t it?” Fuyu remarked.

Warren nodded and continued,

“By the way, Tifa, I heard from Miss Irene that you’re officially becoming a lecturer at the Magic University…”

“”Huh!?””

All eyes turned to Tifa.

“Yup. Special lecturer,” Tifa declared, flashing a peace sign.

“Just like me, a part-time position. It was Tangalán’s groveling that sealed the deal, wasn’t it?”

“Sir Tangalán’s… groveling!?”

Asley’s shock was palpable.

Tifa shook her head.

“It was the five thousand gold daily wage that did it.” She held up five fingers.

“Five thousand!?” Bruce was astonished, as expected. “That’s my monthly salary!”

“What the hell, Bruce!? How come you’re paid more than me!?” Asley exclaimed.

He turned to Haruhana, the Human Resources Manager at Silver Corporation.

“That is the benefit of working for a good company. Though Sir Bruce’s emergency response team doesn’t see much action, Miss Betty’s planning department is extremely busy,” Haruhana explained.

Lina, remembering something, chimed in,

“Oh, by the way, is the ‘Women’s Survival Guide’ series selling well?”

“Yes. It is almost as popular as Itsuki’s ‘Principles of Itsuk.”

“Gah! So that’s why Betty’s been living so luxuriously lately!”

Bruce groaned, making everyone laugh.

“On the topic of money… His Majesty’s salary varies by month,” Warren added, addressing Asley’s earlier question.

“Really? I didn’t know that.”

“I can’t provide exact numbers, but much of it goes to Pochi’s insurance plan. No other Familiar insurance in the Holy Demon Kingdom is as extensive as His Majesty’s. Considering Pochi’s food costs, it’s impossible to cover with just your salary, you see. Miscellaneous expenses and research funds are covered by the treasury, making it quite a privileged position.”

“T-that makes sense!”

As Asley’s energy returned, Pochi looked up at him with a mixture of happiness and drool.

“Oh, there you are, Miss Irene! I’ve been searching for you!”

Hornel came running up, passing Lylia.

As soon as Irene saw his face, her expression turned gloomy, seemingly disappointed.

“Hmm? What happened to the Demon King? …Did he catch a cold?” Hornel asked, tilting his head. Asley scratched his cheek.

“Ugh, wonderful… Well, he’s safe, so it’s all good — He really shouldn’t stay long in this condition, though” Irene said, standing up and promptly walking past Hornel to leave the room.

“W-wait, Miss Irene! If you wander off, I’ll get scolded by Chancellor Gaston!” Hornel chased after her, shouting.

“You’re one to talk, Hornel. You come over here to dine in at Dilmud Kitchen all the time!”

“The town and the Demon King’s room are worlds apart!”

“That’s just splitting hairs.”

“Ugh, you always have a comeback!”

Their voices faded away, though one set of footsteps returned.

Hornel peeked in and spoke to Asley.

“Get well soon, man.”

Without waiting for a response, he left.

Bruce grinned and turned to leave as well.

“Welp, what he said. Don’t stay sick for long. Later!”

“Y-yeah. Thanks, Bruce.”

One by one, everyone returned to their responsibilities, wishing Asley a swift recovery.

Lina and Tifa, who stayed to nurse him, would also leave when night fell.

As the night deepened, with Asley resting his head on Pochi’s stomach, Pochi spoke,

“Everyone was worried about you.”

“Yeah.”

“Did you get your strength back?”

“Yeah.”

“Then there’s no need to worry now!”

“…Yeah.”

And so the night passed, with only the quiet sound of their breathing filling the room.

◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆

“Oh no, oh no, oh no…! This is bad, Warren!”

“Oh, Your Majesty? It seems you’re feeling better… Hmm?”

Warren tilted his head, puzzled by the old unformal tone from Asley. Before he could react, he was yanked with astonishing strength and dragged all the way to the Demon King’s chamber.

“…Wht’s this?”

As soon as they arrived, Warren realized the reason.

“Hah… hah… Oh, Warren…? Am I… am I going to die…?”

Pochi lay sprawled on the bed, looking utterly exhausted.

“It’s as if you share one body… Pochi has caught a cold.”

“A cold!? That means she’ll be okay, right!? Warren!? She’ll recover, right!? Pochi will be fine, right!? Right!? RIGHT!?”

Asley gripped Warren’s shoulders tightly, shaking him fervently. Warren, maintaining his composure, responded calmly.

“At this rate, my spine will break before she ever dies…”

“Why would you say that!?”

“Hahaha… Because you’re tearing me apart, Asley!”

“A-anyway, you’ve got to do something!”

Asley pressed his forehead against Warren’s, so close that their noses and lips almost touched.

Lylia, watching from the doorway, covered her eyes in embarrassment, but peeked through her fingers, unable to look away.

Warren sighed, resigned to the daily disasters that seemed to plague him, though his face showed no displeasure.

“There are no guarantees with illness… But we will do everything we can.

“Please do!”

“That said, there IS an issue…”

“And what would that be…?”

◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆

“Like I said…! I know it’s a lot to ask for, but please refrain from using her stomach as a pillow for the time being!”

“Then where am I supposed to sleep!? You’re not suggesting… outdoors, are you!?”

It was no wonder Warren thought, “Here we go again…”

************************************************

April Fools’ 2022 Special

Extra Short Story 3 – A Good Day For Lies

“So, this April Fools’ thing… What’s it even supposed to mean?”

“Don’t make me repeat myself so many times, Master! Warren said it’s a day when you can lie without getting in trouble!”

Warren’s up to his usual tricks again, isn’t he?

Still, April Fools’, huh? I wonder if it has anything to do with my reputation as the Eternal Fool… Nah, no way. That’s just ridiculous.

“So, where does this April Fool’s come from?”

“It’s a tradition from a far western continent, across the sea… apparently!”

“From the west, huh… And you want to bring that tradition here?”

“We don’t have many events in the newly founded Holy Demon Kingdom, so I thought I’d start spreading it! That’s why I’m talking about it with you now, sir!”

For once, Pochi seems to have a sensible idea.

“Well, good luck with that next year… wait, what’s with that face?”

“W-w-w-why next year? We should start it this year!”

Ah, there’s the usual Pochi.

“You realize that telling people today is like announcing you’re going to lie, right?”

“And what’s wrong with my lies, sir!?”

“I just don’t like lies! If you’re going to lie, do it right, you damn furball!”

“I already have! I’m covered in lies!”

“What lies have you told!?”

“Figuring that out is your job, Master!”

Damn it — this isn’t going anywhere. It’s pointless to argue with a switched-on Pochi.

So, maybe there was a lie hidden in our conversation… but what part could it be?

“…The part about it being a western tradition is a lie, isn’t it?”

“No–!?”

“No?”

“No way! How could you say that, Master!”

Her eyes dart nervously.

It’s clear the lie was in that claim. Maybe Warren didn’t tell her anything at all. Finding the truth in a two-option guess was no great feat.

Hehehe… yet another achievement of the Philosopher!

“What’s with that face, sir!?”

“This is the face of a Philosopher! One of confidence!”

“T-then what kind of lies would you tell, Master?”

“Me? I don’t lie.”

“Because you’re a Fool?”

“A Philosopher considers the friction caused by lies, you know.”

I’m not sure why Pochi seems so put off, but I’m VERY sure I wasn’t wrong.

“Hah… That was such a silly lie, sir. Why do you even bother?”

Why is she looking at me with such pity?

“I didn’t lie!”

“Calling yourself a Philosopher is a huge lie! Saying that right away is really foolish, Master! It makes me sad enough to cry!”

“That’s a lie! You’re not crying!”

“Master, your existence is like a lie!”

“So is yours!”

As our usual banter unfolds, I hear soft laughter from the corner of the room.

“Hahaha, you haven’t changed a bit, Asley.”

“Warren? What brings you here?”

Warren rarely comes to my lab.

And it’s nearly midnight — what is this Black Emperor doing here?

“I came to tell a lie.”

Shit, this can’t be good…

“No, wait, April Fools’ isn’t–“

“–Tomorrow’s dinner with Miss Irene and Sir Gaston has been canceled.”

“What? Why?”

“The Demon King has holed up in his lab, ignoring the ever-growing stack of documents needing his signature. The floor is about to collapse, so I’ve come to fetch you.”

“Hahaha, that’s a good one.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it, Your Majesty,” Warren says, pulling out his pocket watch.

He seems to be keeping an eye on the time.

“What’s going on?”

“Five, four, three, two, one… zero. The first day of the fourth month, and thus April Fools’, is officially over. Time for the truth to come out,” Warren declares.

Immediately, Pochi raises a front paw.

“Yes! Yes, yes, yes!”

“Go ahead, Pochi.”

“The part about April Fools’ coming from the west was a lie!”

“I knew that already!”.

“Well, I confessed properly!”

“Just admit it gracefully!”

Pochi then turns to Warren.

“What about your lie, Warren?”

“The lie was that I came to tell a lie,” Warren says, a creepy smile spreading across his face.

Pochi holds her breath, watching him intently.

I, on the other hand–

“Wait, so the part about the documents piling up was…”

“Absolutely true,” Warren confirms, bowing deeply.

“Oh wow! Your face is turning blue, Master! You look like a delicious bluefish!” Pochi chirps with glee.

Unlike Pochi’s joy, I feel a wave of despair wash over me.

“Uh, so… Warren?”

“Being locked in your lab for eighty days with no accumulated paperwork? That’s like a lie itself. Now, Your Majesty… to the office.”

“Please… tell me this is a lie…”

My plea falls on deaf ears. Pochi licks my cheek, and Warren smiles angelically.

In the end, I’m dragged to the office by Lylia and confined there for eight days, surrounded by mountains of documents and witnessing Pochi’s insatiable appetite firsthand.

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