Chapter 307: It’s Okay Not To Be Okay
[HAWI]
"No, Ruru. I don't agree with you," Hawi said and Rukiya Greyson looked at her mate, wondering what the fuck the mad woman was on this time.
"What?" Ruru asked as she squinted her eyes at her mate who was still bloodied.
"I said no," Hawi insisted and Ruru wasn't sure what to tell her mate, really.
"Well then, it is what it is. We have better things to do and focusing on grief when we might lose more along the way isn't exactly a way to deal with this. I don't know what's wrong with you right now…
"… But I expected you more than anyone to understand," Ruru said disappointedly.
Chapter Experience:
She was right though. Hawi wasn't giving her a reason and just saying no like this was some yes or no situation. Their fates were bound, their lives were fucked long before they were born and all she had was a no ready on her lips.
It wasn't exactly fair, and Hawi needed to understand that.
"You're not listening to me, Ruru—" Hawi said.
"What else is there, Hawi? What else can we do? That bastard isn't saying anything, and we have been at it with him for hours. We have been touching our fresh wounds over and over because of him and yet he sits there like he didn't just screw our lives.
"What do you want me to say? That we should kill him? That I can make him turn into Adolf because I can get my best friend back? Because guess what…. Not all of us have best friends who are granted the immortality spells.
"Some of us had to live like normal people. Some of us had to experience loss at its worst, and some of us had to force ourselves to keep working even though it wasn't exactly the best of things… I'm trying here Hawi.
"I'm really trying not to break down. I distract myself with everything along the way. I'm trying my very best not to let my grief consume me. I'm holding on by a thin thread and that bastard isn't making it any easier.
"The man has cost me more than eight thousand wolves. Where the fuck will I even get them back? My people don't have graves to visit their dead because we burned the bodies because they were too screwed up.
"I don't have a place to go talk to my best friend because Atticus thought it wise to fuck the spell you cast. Tell me, little mate. Tell me what else you want me to do. I am trying, Hawi.
"I really am and I don't think you understand that," Ruru let out angrily and Hawi inched back from her instantly even though she wasn't shocked. She had expected this outburst.
She had expected that Ruru would snap eventually because Ruru was not used to losing. Sure, she was a strong alpha but she wasn't used to the kind of pain that came with having to use everything in one go.
It was something so new to her and Hawi had wanted to tell her that it would be okay. But now, Hawi knew that nothing would ever be okay. She had been hoping that if she lived in the fantasy of having an understanding mate, that they would make it through together.
"I… I'm sorry I was selfish… I didn't mean to invalidate your pain, Ruru. I'm really sorry," Hawi said earnestly, the sincerity in her voice breaking Rukiya's heart even more than she had expected.
Hawi then pushed herself forward, staring into her mate's scared eyes, closing the distance between her and Ruru, kissing her woman's forehead before she instantly vanished like she hadn't been there before.
She left Ruru standing in the middle of the biggest room in the entire pack house and the Greyson alpha wasn't sure what to do anymore. She had intended for it to happen like that, but then it did.
She had been honest with Hawi though.
Losing so many people hadn't dawned on her and each time she tried to forget, she was reminded that there was a chance that she would lose more people because of the war in Sicario.
Maybe it was an unfair fate, but then they had to face it together regardless.
"Oh, Hawi," Rukiya whispered defeatedly as she let herself fall to the ground on her knees.
She hadn't intended to sound so harsh, but she was in so much pain.
The Greyson Alpha hadn't even been able to go back to her people and see how they were doing because she knew if she went to Greysin she wouldn't ever come back to this side.
She wasn't strong enough to leave her people again and that was understandable.
She had spent her entire life around those wolves and they were home to her. Maybe that was why Hawi didn't fight her when she said that she would stay, but now, Rukiya wasn't sure what she needed to do.
Ruru could still hear the apology and the sincerity in Hawi's voice and it was breaking her apart. She hadn't intended for it to happen like this, and now she didn't know where Hawi had one.
Who was to say that she hadn't gone to self-destruct somewhere in the realm this time because she was feeling guilty for what had befallen Rukiya and the Greysons?
Then again, a part of Rukiya hoped that with all they had gone through together, Hawi wouldn't let herself be taken that far back into a past they had all worked so hard to get her out of.
As she kneeled on the floor, her bloody hands on her thighs defeatedly, a portal suddenly opened and Rukiya started hopefully thinking that it was Hawi who had come back to her.
She knew Hawi wasn't ever going to blame her and she wanted to tell Hawi that the promise would still stay the same. That they were a team and that no matter what happened they would fight this war together.
Rukiya Greyson wanted to tell Hawi that it was just a sudden outburst because she had been feeling a little too much lately. Oh, Rukiya wanted to let her mate know that it wasn't anyone's fault but the prisoners in there.
Of course, Hawi had to have known that, but seeing Ruru breakdown was way beyond her and she couldn't handle it, that much was obvious.
Staring at the portal Ruru waited to see Hawi again. So, when the first person stepped out, the only word she could breathe out softly was "Hawi…"
"Asmodeus said the stench of your sex filled the entire Sicario and all I see is blood. You sneaky bastards," Malika said excitedly as she walked out of the portal along with Mbali and Elodie who were facepalming at the protector's statement.
"Must have really been fun seeing how the blood status is coming under the bed. You hemorrhage that much?" Mbali asked and Elodie had to smack the woman to shut her up. They had come from Greyson and were excited to meet their unhinged crew.
Malika stared at Rukiya a second time before she realized that the woman was hurting, and there were real tears on her face, not sweat or blood there. The stench of pain had filled the room and only Malika could sense it.
"What happened here Greyson… Where is my Mistress?"
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