Vaudevillain

Chapter 12: Completing the Theme

Dylan knew all good villains had about two or three notable minions. He already had three types of minions in mind: the loyal servant, the opportunist, and the ambitious one who wants to lead. He could see it now, Dr. Zlo surrounded by his deadly lackeys sending the Jacques off to attack a site while he waited in the background. And he knew exactly what to base the minions off.

The first would be a loyal butler character, but a slightly bungling one. Sticking with his theme, Dylan based his new minion off a classic comedy actor.

Cass the Butler

The personal butler of Dr. Zlo and completely loyal. Cass speaks like the words are racing from his mouth and is a bit of a klutz. That doesn't stop the man from making a perfect martini for his liege and does a mean comedy bit.

Tuxedo (1 suit)

Lackey (1)

The art of Butlering (1 book)

Who's on First? (1 recording)

Bartending for Dummies (1 book)

Yes, a butler was perfect for his loyal minion. Especially one based on the classic comedy actor. His next minion would be the opportunist, and female. Any kids villain group needed one female character in it.

Momma Mabel

A follower of Dr. Zlo who joined the villain to learn his ways. She has her own power to control small groups of people. She calls all her minions her children and makes them call her Mom. Momma Mabel is known for her crass language and love of young men.

Sundress (1)

Lackey (1)

Southern Livin' (1 magazine)

Cantankerous joke book (1)

Phlebotinium (1 g)

"Dang I can't just give minions powers." Oh well, Dylan would just grab more of the stuff when he found the secret lab making it. And since he was going to have one minion with powers why not go for two?

Quartet

A follower of Dr. Zlo who wants to take over the evil doctor's position but acts as a loyal minion to gain the villain's trust. Quartet can split himself into four men and harmonize with each other to produce sonic waves that harm those who hear it. He frequently argues with Cass.

Striped suit vest and trousers (1)

Lackey (1)

Boating hat (1)

Hello My Baby (1 recording)

Phlebotinium (2 g)

"Perfect!" Dylan cried. "Now to get to work!" He rushed off to grab the required items for creating the minions.

Minutes later Dylan commanded a Jacques to stand before him. He placed a tuxedo on the ground next to the two books and recording and combined all the items. The materials spun into the air around the minion, rotating faster and faster until Jacques was no longer visible in the tornado. As it spun, the tornado tightened, showing the minions arms and legs poking from a fine tuxedo. White gloves settled over the arms and the tornado shrunk down to cover only the head, exposing the rest of the tuxedo. The tornado finished by launching off the minion and transforming into a silver plate with a martini on top that landed neatly in the butler's hands.

"Oh hey there boss," The butler said in a wheezy voice. "Brought you your favorite drink."

"It! lives!" Dylan shouted.

"Well of course I live boss I mean whaddya take me for, some zombie? Hey you gonna drink this or what?" Cass held the drink out to Dylan.

"Later Cass," he replied. "Right now I'm working."

"Yeah I'll make ya one later then. Hey you don't mind if I drink this one do ya? It's just I've been standing around all day and my lips are a bit parched."

"Go ahead. But only the one! I need you in top form for our heist later."

"Yeah yeah sure thing." Cass downed the martini in one large gulp.

Dylan noticed everything about Cass was large. He was as wide as Dr. Zlo was tall and had a voice twice as loud. But it was obvious Cass was a minion. His skin was the silvery chrome of a futuristic robot and his entire body was blocky. He was perfect all the same.

"So what's the plan boss?" Cass asked.

"I'm about to send our army of hatbot scouts out into the world to find us a secret laboratory that produces phlebotinium, a resource I need to create the more elaborate gadgets."

"Well gee boss I don't think you gotta go find a secret base for that."

"Oh? Why not?"

"I got plenty of phlegm in my lungs. I can cough it out for ya."

Dylan had to choke back a laugh. He was the straight man here, he couldnt laugh! Instead, he rapped Cass on the head. "Phlebotinium not phlegm you dolt."

The butler held his head in his hands, exaggerating his pain. "Why they gotta make it sound so similar then?"

"Probably to confuse you."

"Oh yeah that makes sense. Thanks boss."

"Anytime Cass. And now! Let us be off!"

Dylan bounded up the stairs two at a time, reaching the room as quick as he could. Cass followed after, checking each step to clean it of dirt. When he reached the hatbot room Dylan had already sent off the majority of the bots to search for the secret lab. "You got a lot of Deloris's in here boss."

"Deloris?"

"Yeah the hats boss. Deloris."

One of the hatbots nearby chirped.

"Well I suppose I do."

"So now what boss?"

"Now Cass. We wait."

Hatbot #0000001 (Deloris One) sat proudly atop the head of its pigeon slave. It was the first, and therefore most important, hatbot created and sent out into the world. It was the first to be given a mission, tail the Jacques, and the first to be given a second mission, find a secret laboratory with phlebotinium. Deloris One didn't know what the material was, or why it was needed, but it knew it was important. So if it wanted to find phlebotinium it needed to find important things.

This proved to be much harder than Deloris One thought. It had been searching around for hours and had learned that many things were important. Food was important, many of the walkers below talked of eating food and how it gave them energy. But when Doloris One commanded its pigeon to a food factory the Great One had called it back. This happened for the drink bar as well, and a place called a strip club.

Some of the other walkers talked about reputation and how it was important. But Doloris One could find no factory or laboratory that made this reputation. The problem was so distressing Doloris spent the next few hours staring at a tree. The Great One had called it back again after that.

After a nice recycle Doloris One was ready to take on the world again. It grabbed its pigeon by the feathers and took off into the sky. The hatbot set the pigeon down next to a group of smaller walkers standing around some paper. Doloris One listened in, learning the group was looking for something important called treasure.

As Doloris One listened it learned that treasure was always found at the bottom of the ocean. Maybe that was where the phlebotinium was! Excited, the little bot directed its pigeon towards the edge of the island. Sparkling blue water crashed onto pearly white beaches as many of the walkers lounged around.

The hatbot tried to head under the waves but no matter how much Doloris One poked, prodded, goaded, or cajoled; the pigeon would not go into the water. It seemed Doloris One would have to take matters into its own feelers. It scanned the beaches and waves, looking for a suitable vehicle to use. Its camera eye landed on a group of wobbling sacks lazing about on one of the docks. These sacks would sit on the docks for a time before jumping off into the waves.

Doloris One watched as the sack sank into the ocean and then rocketed out of the blue water back onto the docks. It was exactly the vehicle it needed. Doloris One forced the pigeon to land on the dock and jumped off as it landed. The old vehicle flapped away, but that was alright, Doloris One was creeping towards a new one.

As the bot crept closer Doloris one saw the sacks had glossy brown skin and whiskers on one side. The four corners of the sack had pinched flat edges that waved around, sometimes clapping together. The glossy skin could be a challenge, there was no way to tell if Doloris' feelers would latch on.

The bot crept closer to one of the glossy vehicles and then pounced in one fluid motion onto the thing's head. Feelers attached firmly on the sack's head and for a moment Doloris One sat triumphant, a proud new owner of a submersible vehicle. Then the pinched end of the sack swatted at the hatbot. Doloris went from conquering hero to panicked rider clinging for dear life on the bull it had so naively jumped on.

But Doloris would not give up, the great one was counting on it! With a yank and a tug, the hatbot pushed its testy vehicle into the water. A spray of bubbles blinded the tiny contraption as it sank down below the waves. The vehicle had stopped fighting them, instead using its weird pinched ends to push itself through the water.

Doloris came upon a whole new world, one of deep blues and darkness. As the hatbot's camera switched to darkvision the world opened up. Long grey stalks rose from below, waving back and forth as Doloris and its vehicle moved through them. Strange oval-shaped creatures with triangular ends appeared in front only to swim away in a flash of bubbles.

Doloris One forced its vehicle to dive deeper, following the sloping ground. Since treasure was located at the bottom it made sense to keep going down. But there came a point when Doloris One's vehicle no longer dove, no matter how hard it tugged. Angry for the first time in its short life, the little bot let go for a second to grab a more sensitive area. It was a mistake.

Doloris One's ride rocketed out from under the hatbot and disappeared into the dark blackness. A shockwave of water shoved the hatbot and Doloris One tumbled down to the bottom of the ocean. Dizzy, the bot couldn't tell up from down and the spray of bubbles the vehicle had left in its wake didn't help. But despite the harrowing fall, Doloris One sank slowly down onto the soft sand of the ocean bed.

It was there an octopus picked up the hatbot. Curious, the cephalopod reached out with a tentacle and tapped the fedora. Plastic feelers extended from the opening in the hat in an attempt to latch onto the tentacle. The octopus let it, bringing the curiosity up to its eyes.

Doloris One was looking at a being of terrible power. This was nothing like the Great One it served, but more like Doloris One's own anatomy. But instead of six feelers, this monster had eight. And each was ten times the size of Doloris One!

Panicked, the bot tried to detach itself from the distressing being but found itself stuck to the feeler. It shivered in fear as the tentacle brought it up to an eye the size of Doloris One's head. The eye blinked and Doloris One could do nothing but watch.

And then the monster did something unexpected. It brought the tentacle above its eye and towards its head. Once there it let go and Doloris One plopped on top of the terrible thing.

The hatbot didn't understand. Was this its new vehicle? In trepidation, Doloris One reached out a feeler to try and control this demi-god. The bot pushed down and retreated in fear as the entire being shook in anger. Doloris One realized it was not the driver, only a passenger.

Another spray of bubbles appeared above the hatbot and Doloris One watched as an oval larger than any it'd ever seen pushed past the demi-god of anger. The end of the oval spun and released countless bubbles behind it. The demi-god shook and attempted to follow the oval. Doloris One did its best to hold on as its driver pulsed along the seafloor.

The bubbling oval sunk down below a cliff and out of sight. The demi-god followed, revealing an underwater building illuminated by gigantic floodlights. Ovals of all sizes zipped in and out of the building and Doloris One saw walkers in strange outfits on the outside.

The Great One contacted her. Doloris One stiffened. Was it about to be called back once again? To know the agony of failure one more time? No. No! The Great One was delighted. Doloris One had found it! The location of the important phlebotinium was here!

Nothing could ruin this moment for the hatbot, not even the anger of the great demi-god as Doloris One tap-danced on top its head. The hatbot had completed their mission and had thus cemented themselves as the most important minion. All was right with the world.

Dylan clapped in excitement as one of the hatbots stumbled across an underwater base. "There!" He shouted to Cass.

Cass looked over Dylans shoulder at the sparkling underwater base. "You sure boss? Doesn't seem like a good place to go shopping."

Dylan ignored his minions witless remark. "The phlebotinium is there Cass, I'm sure of it!"

Turning away from the screens and bounding down the stairs Dylan shouted, "Jacques! Get ready!"

Three minions appeared before him at the bottom of the stairs. Each one stood at attention, hands behind their back and chests puffed out.

Cass came down shortly after Dr. Zlo. He took one look at the three minions and commented, "Eh, boss? I don't think you got enough guys to take this place. I saw the building, they had a whole lotta men in there."

Surprisingly the butler was correct. Dylan knew there was no way he could conquer this secret base with four minions. "Hmm I'll need a lot more minions if we're to conquer this underwater base."

"Plus you need to find a way to get down there."

"Quite right! It's a good thing I'm an evil genius."

"You gonna make a submarine then?"

"Oh... Something like that."

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