Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Chapter 48: The Barck Beer Brawl

Okay Pete, you’ve got this. It's just a small curve ball!

Let’s run down what I’ve got.

[Flesh to Stone] was essentially a second life.

[Flash of Insight] could give me the correct course of action in a pinch.

[Power Pick] would come in handy if I… thought of a mug as a pick? Doubtful, but worth a try.

[Ingredient Scan] wouldn’t be much help. I’m still dying to go to the market and test it, which should be possible later this week.

[Strength of All: Held] should help with holding onto my tankard.

The ever awesome [Regeneration] would ensure I couldn't get taken out in one hit.

Finally, my high vitality meant it’d take a lot to knock me out.

Then there’s this handy dandy new Milestone, courtesy of a Quest that I’ve been purposefully avoiding...

Slay

You may not have demonstrated any prowess, but you put on a good show anyways!!

Slain: 10/10 Monsters

Reward: [Basic Slash]

I’ve been putting off any thoughts about the stoneant incident, and I think the only thing keeping me from getting some PTSD has been the absolute rollercoaster of the past week. [Basic Slash] should work fine with any weapon, including a chair and would likely come in clutch.

[Basic Slash]

You add an additional 5 strength to an attack with a melee weapon.

This ability can be used once every thirty six seconds.

It definitely had an I HAVE THE POWER kind of feel to it. An awesome Milestone that was practically necessary to become an adventurer.

I also hated it and never planned to use it. Balin took to combat like… well, a dwarf to combat, but it just wasn't for me.

Finally… I had a secret weapon that I just couldn’t bring myself to use. Opal had been a bit loose in her description of Specializations. It wasn’t that the stuff you were doing at the moment you got your fifth Milestone determined the available Specializations, instead…

Congratulations!

You have obtained 5 Milestones and may combine them into a Specialization!

Do you wish to combine [Outworlder], [Stabilize Mixture], [Power Pick], [Ingredient Scan], and [Basic Slash] into a Specialization?

Yes/No

I hadn’t chosen anything yet, but the option was there. I’d asked Copperpot about it and he’d said most people just go for their Specialization as soon as they hit five Milestones. A Specialization was just that powerful. However… the four Specialization options you’d get were always based on the Milestones you’d combined. In other words, this current set of Milestones was likely to get me some combat related Specializations.

I couldn’t bring myself to do that. Not with [Carbonate] and now [Adjust Taste] right within reach. If I could get some kind of magic Milestone, that would be even better. But according to Copperpot, stuff like that was more likely to show up after my first or second Specialization.

“NOW ANNOUNCING THE MAIN EVENT!”

My attention was pulled to an armoured-tuxedo clad dwarf with a megaphone of some kind standing next to the trophy. I was with the other contestants, kneeling underneath the Lord’s box as he imperiously surveyed the coliseum.

“THESE TEN CONTESTANTS WILL COMPETE TO DETERMINE THE GREATEST DRINKER IN ALL OF MINNOVA.”

Muh ears!

“THE RULES ARE AS FOLLOWS! THE TEN CONTESTANTS WILL TAKE THEIR SEATS WITHIN THE RING! THE LORD HIMSELF SHALL HIT THE GONG TO BEGIN! FROM THEN ON THE GONG SHALL SOUND EVERY TEN SECONDS! A CONTESTANT THAT LEAVES THE RING OR IS UNABLE TO FULLY COMPLETE A DRINK WITHIN THOSE TEN SECONDS WILL FORFEIT!”

Alright, there was the trick. If I could keep someone from finishing their drink within ten seconds, they were out. That was actually very beneficial for me, since I could just pound down a drink in one second and then spend the next nine to eighteen seconds dodging.

“LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE TOP TEN!”

The stadium roared, and I do mean ROARED. It sounded like a very happy bomb had gone off. Every seat was packed, and I could barely make out my cheering squad now. The only reason I could pick them out was the giant collection of pink banners sitting behind them. Spoils from the fan wars? Raspberrysyrup kept giving me angry glances, and I tried to ignore them. Not my fault!

The four pro drinkers, as I’d come to learn they were called, Beatbox, Emerelda, Jim, and Rumbob glowed with pride. Millenia of scorn turned around in an instant by imperial recognition. I was happy for them, especially as a newfound cultural appreciation for competitive drinking could be very lucrative for us!

“NOW FOR A WORD FROM OUR TEN CONTESTANTS!”

OY! Nobody said anything about a speech!

Rumbob was first, and said some platitudes thanking his family and the Gods for the opportunity. Beatbox was quite the same. The crowd cheered dutifully after each short speech. It was like listening to the Oscars, except these competitors actually meant those thank yous.

The only standout was Raspberrysyrup, who did a whole song, dance, and pose. Complete with an “I wuv you my adoring fans, make sure to come see my concert next week!” There was a mix of cheers and stunned silence. I was right that advertising wasn’t really a thing. She glared at me as she turned off the stage, and I winced as I realized those pink banners up behind Aqua were probably part of her ad package.

Then it was my turn, and my stage fright vanished as I took a deep breath and reached down into my CEO and marketing lizard brain.

“HELLO MINNOVA! ARE YOU THIRSTY!?”

The crowd roared their approval. Good start, good start!

“I HOPE YOU LIKE THE TASTE OF TEARS! BECAUSE YOU’RE ABOUT TO SEE A LOT OF ‘EM!”

Laughter, good. This was definitely a crowd that was used to the showmanship of pro-wrestling. I could work with this.

“I HOPE NONE OF YOU PAID FULL PRICE FOR THOSE SEATS, BECAUSE YOU’RE ONLY GOING TO USE THE EDGE!”

More scattered cheers, and then a growing swell of laughter as the crowd got it. The hidden benefit of [Outworlder] was that all the old jokes are new here!

“I’M PETER ROUGHTUFF, AND I’M HERE REPRESENTING THIRSTY GOAT BREWERY! IF YOU AND YOUR PALS WANT TO DRINK WITH A CHAMPION DRINKER AFTER THE COMPETITION, COME DROP BY THIRSTY GOAT BREWERY, WHERE WE DON’T KID AROUND WITH BEER!”

Unlike Raspberrysyrup’s pitch, the crowd wholeheartedly approved of my approach. There was a lot of shouting and raised fists. I pumped my fist as well, and pointed towards a shell-shocked little blonde figure up in the stands. Annie waved nervously as the crowd turned towards them and cheered some more.

Your Charisma has increased by 1!

Your new Charisma is 12!

Score!

It took a minute for the MC to calm the crowd, and then it was time for the last few speeches. I wasn’t really paying attention; I needed to get into the zone.

I pulled out my second-to-last bar of butter.

—

“Nice speech, Pete.” Rumbob sotto-voce’d as we walked down the stage towards our seats.

“Thanks, Rumbob.”

“I’ll need to come to the afterparty at Thirsty Goat.”

“The more champions, the better, Rumbob. Especially when they’re going to be drinking with the winner.”

“Why, thank you for the support!”

“I was talking about me!” We both laughed as we pulled out our chairs. Rumbob was seated at my left and Brewski was on my right. We were inside the ring of the table, which was about ten meters in diameter; it was fairly big, but not massive. Each seat had an assigned host standing outside the ring with a collection of tankards and a keg. They would be putting a tankard at each spot every ten seconds.

“Barck’s Luck, Pete.”

“Uh, you too.”

I took my seat, and we all turned to look at the Lord. He held up his hand and the crowd fell silent. Then he took up a massive hammer in one ruby gemmed glove, and swung it.

*GOOONGGG*

The crowd cheered, the first tankard was placed before me, and I breathed out, opened wide, and drained it. Then I ducked under the table.

Rumbob’s fist flew over my head as Brewski ran through my now ex-chair and plowed into Rumbob.

"[Immovable]!!"

And bounced. The two of them swore in various forms of Godly clothing and body parts, before they met with a crash on top of the wreckage of my chair.

There was a brief pause as they each struggled to gain control of the clinch. Which was exactly when a certain no-good villain cheap-shot Brewski with a [Basic Slash] to the knee. My tankard exploded on his kneecap, and he roared with pain, which gave Rumbob the opening he needed.

Rumbob got Brewski into an armbar then held him tight. Rumbob was massive, and he applied that leverage to keep Brewski in check while he happily downed his first drink. Brewski struggled and swore, but his lonely drink lay just out of reach, undrunk.

*GOOONGGG*

Rumbob dropped the now despondent Brewski. I snuck a hand out to grab my next tankard, but was arrested as a hand like a vice clamped around my ankle.

“Sorry about this, Pete!” Rumbob yanked me out from under the table and held me upside down. I struggled as he reached over and grabbed his new drink, unphased. He lifted it to his lips just as a hollering Beatbox ran over and tossed a chair our way. Rumbob lifted me up as a makeshift fleshy shield, but I had an escape ready to go.

“[Flesh to Stone]!!”

Rumbob cried out an oath and dropped me as I became too heavy to hold. That oath was drowned out by a howl of pain when my statuesque body fell on top of Beatbox. The two of us crashed to the ground, but I jumped right back to my feet as I ended [Flesh to Stone]. Beatbox stayed down and Rumbob was busy with his drink. I ran back to my spot and downed the beer. Ugh, it was even more sour than usual! Was it the butter affecting my taste buds? No time to think!

*GOOONGGG*

I ran around the ring, Rumbob on my tail. Up ahead, I saw Jim sitting in his chair and drinking as everyone ignored him. I could feel my wisdom resist the compulsion to look away from him, and I was uncomfortably reminded of Tim. They even had the same name-ish!

Which was why I grabbed the smashed remains of a nearby chair, and called the only war cry I knew as I went in for a [Power Pick].

“Fer Crack and Annie!”

—

“Did he just yell ‘Fer Crack and Annie?’” Aqua asked, as they watched the carnage unfold. The volume was magically amplified to ensure everyone could enjoy the action, and Pete’s warcry had echoed through the colosseum.

Pete had done well surviving the first ten seconds; they’d been worried he would be knocked out right away. Two competitors were already down, and Pete was about to take out a third. He might even make the top three at this rate.

Annie had turned pink after Pete’s little speech earlier, and was slowly turning crimson as sections of the crowd looked their way again. Some titters rose above the general volume of the fighting, and Annie hunched down into her chair.

“Hey! That’s my line!” Balin cried, in feigned indignation. “Ouf!”

He doubled over as a fist propelled by desperate embarrassment found his solar plexus.

—

Jim went down without a sound. It turned out that [Power Pick] worked fine as long as the weapon was pick-like. Such as the back of a chair broken into a basic uppercase ‘T’. I turned towards my seat, and realized that… I was too far away. Rumbob had met up with Chuck and the two of them were tussling for control in the center of the ring, while Tania and Emerelda whaled on each other with their fists. My tankard of beer was way on the other side….

“[Flash of Inspiration]!!” My head ached with the flow of knowledge as my mind considered everything I knew and saw. I'd practiced it a bunch recently, and avoided falling over from the shock. The answer came instantly: the rules didn’t say I had to drink my own tankard! I reached down, breathed out, and drained Jim’s now unattended tankard.

*GOOONGGG*

“Have at thee, varlet!” A voice to my side wheezed out, and I doubled over as a leg found my gut. The leg was followed up by a fist to the side of my head that bounced off my ornamental skullcap. The attack flowed into a smooth kata, and I realized with horror that Lord Samuel had me in some kind of combo.

"[Expert Combo]!"

I was struck a half dozen times and my head swam as his fist came up to meet my nose. The only thing keeping me up was my high vitality. The gong rang again, or maybe that was my brain getting knocked around. I could see his knee coming for my forehead, and there was nothing I could do to avoid it when…

*AAAHHHHHH!!!*

My eardrums practically burst, and Lord Samuel fell back, clutching his ears. Raspberrysyrup advanced on us, her voice magically enhanced by a Blessing or Milestone of some kind. She continued to scream at the top of her lungs, and Lord Samuel cried out in pain. I felt [Regeneration] pull me back from the cusp of unconsciousness, and I jammed my fingers into my ears. Lord Samuel fell to the ground beside me; I guess his old ear-bones couldn’t hold up against a sonic attack. With Lord Samuel down, Raspberrysyrup aimed her full might at me, and I was forced to use the only weapon I had in hand. I reached up and stuffed my last bar of butter into her open mouth.

Then I ran, and drained an unattended tankard of beer as I went. Raspberrysyrup desperately clawed at the wad of butter in her mouth as she tried to drink, but was unsuccessful.

*GOOONGGG*

Up ahead, Tania’s fist found Emerelda’s chin, and the poor dwarfess toppled like a statue. Tania’s plate armour was barely even dented. She turned towards me, her feet slow and plodding. I fled, and she activated a Milestone.

“[Advanced Charge]!”

I’d seen Brock use that skill, and it was a straight line! I flung myself sideways and felt a mass of metal rocket through where I’d been standing. Tania crashed into the table as I scrambled to my feet. I had zero confidence that I could take her out, so I ran to where Rumbob and Chuck were duking it out. I ducked past them and grabbed another tankard and downed it. Chuck and Rumbob took a short break to drink as well, and Tania downed hers at the last second.

*GOOONGGG*

Tania and I each immediately drained the new mug, and I used my precious second or so head start to try and make some distance.

I dodged and weaved, but she cornered me with the confidence and skill of a primal hunter. She raised a plated fist to bring it down on my head, and I had to make a decision. If I chose to Specialize, I could get a new pair of Blessings. That could be enough to turn the tide, but I would be pigeonholed into a combat Specialization.

I watched the fist inch towards my nose, and closed my eyes. No. There would be other opportunities to save the brewery, and I was done getting yanked around by circumstances. I would not sacrifice my future in this world on a split-second decision.

That was when a struggling Chuck and Rumbob tripped over Tania and all four of the final competitors fell in a groaning heap.

*GOOONGGG*

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