Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Chapter 49: And The Winner Is....

Four competitors, four mugs of ale. Chuck grabbed my foot and Rumbob thumped him in the nose. Tania tried to clinch Rumbob's neck, but his girth prevented it. I used [Basic Slash] with my fist on Chuck's fingers and broke his grip. Finally we were all forced to disengage as we reached out and desperately grabbed at various handles.

“[Disarm]!”

Tania’s gauntlet pounded into my wrist, and my fingers shook. [Strength of All: Held] kept me from dropping the mug, but it was enough to cost me a single desperate second as I regained my grip. I breathed out and -

*GOOONGGG*

I stared in disbelief at the half-full tankard at my lips.

A host called me out from the ring and I rolled under the table. Adrenaline kept the sound of blood beating in my brain and the crowd was like the roar of the sea in my ears. Everything had that surreal feeling that came with a major win or loss.

That’s right… I’d lost. Fourth place, not even the top three. Wreck had been right, I just… wasn’t strong enough. I was the fastest drinker here, but I still lacked the level of personal power necessary to compete at the very top of dwarven society.

The competition continued. Chuck got taken out by a double-team of Rumbob and Tania, and then the two of them suddenly stopped in mid-combat. Rumbob held up a hand, and called over the MC. The gong was paused during some whispered conversation, and then the MC pulled out his megaphone.

“EVERYONE! THE TWO REMAINING CHAMPIONS HAVE DECIDED TO CHANGE THINGS UP FOR FIRST PLACE! THEY WANT TO SEE WHO CAN TRULY DOWN THE MOST!”

The crowd muttered confusedly for a while.

“THEY SAY IF WE ARE GOING TO SEND THE BIGGEST DRINKER IN MINNOVA, IT NEEDS TO BE THE ONE WITH THE GREATEST LOVE FOR THE BREW!”

That got the crowd cheering. A short intermission later, Rumbob and Tania sat across from each other on a small square table in the center of the ring. The Lord dropped his hand as the first drinks hit the table.

There was no more gong, simply one beer after another. The crowd grew silent as the conga line of empty beer mugs grew longer and longer. My eyes grew wider and wider as each empty mug hit the table. Where the hell were they keeping all that beer? Then I heard it. I was standing close enough to the action that I caught their whispered cheats.

“[Expand Stomach]”

“[Compress Fluid]”

“[Remove Poison]”

“[Subspace Gullet]”

They had Godsdamn drinking Milestones!? This competition had been rigged from the start! What kind of cockamamie weirdass God handed out something that made your stomach bigger!? Barck, it was probably Barck.

In my indignation, I almost missed the moment Tania let out a massive burp and then collapsed. Rumbob stood and thrust both fists into the air. The crowd went wild.

—

My place was just beside the podium, a grinning Chuck at my side on the third place riser. I was still a bit despondent, but all wasn’t lost. Rumbob and some of the rest had agreed to come to the after party at the Thirsty Goat, which was sure to help drum up business. We should have won a good amount of gold on our bet and I’d done some free advertising.

I might not have managed to get onto the brewery floor this time, but slow and steady won the race. I looked up for Balin, Annie, and Aqua, but didn’t see them. They were probably at the Thirsty Goat getting things ready for the party. I’d need to apologize later for getting their hopes up. To be fair, I hadn’t told them about any of this initially, but still.

The Lord came down on stage to personally present our awards. The massive trophy filled with mithril got handed to Rumbob, who lifted it up into the sky to the cheers of the crowd. There were similar cheers as Tania and Chuck were handed small wooden boxes. The Lord made some speech about Minnova being proud of its sons and daughters, but I was busy thinking about my next move.

That was when the pilsner glass landed in my hand.

I stared at it. It was indeed my vase shaped pilsner glass. With a faintly familiar gnome etched in gold on the side. My eyes snapped over to the Lord, who was still talking. His voice echoed through the Arena, but he didn’t need a megaphone, it was just… easy to hear him.

“- thank Whistlemop’s Fineries for being a major sponsor as well as providing these genuine Whistlemugs for the top ten!”

Just down the line, Brewski gave a tiny fist pump and I could make out his whisper.

“Score! These are from the first run! I can sell this for serious gold!”

I stared down at the glass in a fresh round of disbelief. Whistlemug?!

I pulled up a quest that I had been curious about for a while now.

Quest: New Brew Part 6/10

The dwarves need your help. Influence 100,000 dwarves with your otherworldly alcohol knowledge.

Influence: 74,324/100,000

Reward: [Carbonate]

Accept Quest?

[Yes] /No

As I watched, the Lord handed a mug to Tania.

“Thank you, my Lord. I’ve been wanting one of these, but my adventuring in Green Tree kept me from obtaining one. They’re always sold out!” She said cheerfully.

The number ticked up to 74,325.

HOLY SHIT!

I’d been wondering why nobody knew about radlers! It was because a certain Whitlerat had been selling my pilsner glass!

The Lord continued down the line and handed a glass to Emerelda. She smiled and nodded, but this time the counter didn’t tick up. She was coming to the after party, so I’d ask her more about it there. If my suspicions were correct, I may have just discovered another avenue that I could extort - I mean collect - gold from.

—

I strode towards the Thirsty Goat alongside Rumbob, Beatbox, Emerelda, Tania, Chuck, and Jim. The pro drinkers were a great crowd, and we had some wonderful discussions about the future of competitive drinking as we left the stadium. Tania and Chuck fit right in, and were overjoyed at having met some fellow drinkers. Jim was a bit sore about my cheap shot to the back of his head, but I explained my experience with Tim and he understood.

A parade formed behind us as Rumbob walked down Main Street carrying his massive trophy. Word had spread that the champion drinkers of Minnova were headed to the Thirsty Goat for a party. I spent most of the walk chatting with Rumbob, who was apparently a rather well known [Tavernic Matchmaker].

“Your work is seriously just hooking people up in taverns?” My mind fought to connect the enormously rotund and jovial white-haired Rumbob with my internal image of the matchmaker from Mulan.

“That’s an interesting way of puttin’ it.” Rumbob thumbed at his fourth chin in thought. “I’d say it’s about right though.”

“What does that even look like?”

“He grabs their heads, knocks them together and says ‘Now, KISS!’” Beatbox quipped and dodged a playful swat from Rumbob.

“It’s mostly about puttin’ folks at ease. Find a quiet tavern, sip a few drinks, and then just talk. I do have some Milestones that help too. Got a nice one after I ‘hooked up’ my thousandth couple!”

“That can’t be all there is to it.”

“There’s also makin’ sure they’ve got compatible families, and similar expectations. Lotta young folks don’t ask the right questions when they’re fallin’ in love!”

“I can understand that. You need to make sure everyone wants children, and that they put the toilet paper roll the right way up.”

There was some general laughter. Come to think of it, I was probably the youngest person here.

“Enough about me though.” Rumbob’s smile turned cheeky. “Tell me, Pete. How did you get involved with the Goat?”

“I was in the Mine a while back with Annie.” I admitted.

“Ah, a reformed dwarf. Are ya pinin’ over her? I heard your little warcry!” He slapped me on the back with a guffaw.

I sweated a bit. Shit, Balin was going to kill me. “She actually got romantically involved with me brother, Balin. I was just copying his warcry.”

Beatbox leaned in and tittered. “That’s going to be a fun little misunderstanding! My daughter is already cheering you on.” He pointed to a small crowd of gnomes that were walking in the parade. A mousey-haired gnome girl waved back energetically. “Everyone in the drinking community knows the bashful blonde firebrand Annie Goldstone! Has yer brother been killed by Jeremiah Goldstone yet?”

Rumbob held up his hand. “Let me check, [Sense Connections].” After a moment, he nodded. “Yer strongest connection is over by tha Thirsty Goat. Assumin’ that’s him, he’s still alive!”

“That’s hard to believe!” Emerelda put in. “Do you remember that time Goldstone locked a suitor in a barrel and mailed him out of town?”

“They never proved that!” Beatbox chided with mock indignation.

Oh Gods… Goldstone. I’d dropped a massive party on them with zero warning. I needed to check how much gold we’d made too. First place had eluded me, but we should have won a fair bit nevertheless. “I need to go check in!”

A massive crowd met us at the entrance to 4th Street. Multiple dwarf standard picnic tables lined the streets, and I could see gnomes from the general store helping out as waiters. They were passing out Thirsty Goat beer, as well as cured meats, fish, and other goodies from the store. The crowd roared a welcome as we arrived, and Rumbob held up his trophy for everyone to admire.

“Drinks are on me!” He bellowed, as he poured a small pile of mithril into the hands of a shocked gnomess in an apron. She stuttered and then ran back into the brewery. The various dwarves and gnomes cheered their approval and started up a chant of “Rum Tum Rumbob!”

A table was emptied for the champions and we took a seat to much back slapping and arm punching. Drinks were brought out and Rumbob led the toast to Crack and Minnova. I begged a moment to go see Goldstone and went to the front door. I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, and walked in.

“It’s Pete!!!” was the first thing I heard, and I was promptly knocked over by a blue bowling ball.

What in tha nether?

“Gerroff me, Aqua!” I struggled as her beard tickled my nose. *Achoo!!*

I escaped from Aqua’s smothering hug, and stood up just in time to meet Annie’s eyes. She stood there in a serving apron with her arms folded. Her long blonde waves done up in a style vaguely reminiscent of a certain galactic princess. Penelope stood beside her and *maah*’d a happy greeting.

“Penelope, go say hello to Pete.”

Penelope came over and nuzzled my knees while I tickled under her chin.

*meeeeh* [Translated from Prima Donna Goat] “How art thou, fine sir?”

“Good to see you too, Penelope.”

I grinned widely as I looked back at Annie, whose lips were now a thin, frustrated line.

“Since when were you two such good friends?”

“I…. I’m sorry.” My smile slipped. “I tried, but I didn’t quite make it. I’m sorry for getting your hopes up.”

“Are you kidding!?” Aqua blurted. “Do you know what -”

“WHERE IS HE!?” The tall and muscular form of Goldstone burst in from the mess hall. You wouldn’t think something as short as a dwarf could loom but Jeremiah Goldstone certainly could.

“Er, Mr. Goldstone, I can explain…” I backed up as he advanced, and winced as his arms went back -

And then scooped me into a giant bear hug. What?

“You did it! We’ve nearly sold our whole stock, and Annie brought back enough to keep us running for a couple of months! I’m still going to kill that girl for betting all our money, but you did it!”

What!? I turned an incredulous look over at Annie, and she shrugged and mouthed ‘top ten’.

Goldstone continued. “I talked to everyone about it, and we’ve decided that you’re serious enough about this that we can let you into the brewing hall. Heck, you’ve done enough to practically consider you a partner!” Goldstone pounded me on the back and roared with laughter. “Only practically, though!” He gestured to the wooden portal that contained my wildest dreams.

WHAT!?

“Do you want to go in?” He gave me a mischievous wink.

WHAT!?!

I stared at the door, which just a moment ago had seemed out of reach. I looked at Goldstone and raised my eyebrows in a plaintive ‘really’? He waggled his back, ‘Aye’.

I put my hand on the doorknob, turned it, and walked inside.

—

Somewhere else, in a gazebo on a mountaintop, a bearded figurine moved across the board.

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